Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."

[Cum_Luver]

Man rushes into a bar and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a double brandy before the trouble starts." The barman obliged, the man downed it in one and again said: "Quick, give me another double brandy before the trouble starts". Again he downed it in one : "Quick, give me another......" The barman said:" Just a minute, when's all this trouble going to start" The man replied "Anytime now, cos I've got no money.”

[Cum_Luver]

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence.

Well, one day, hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild party-goers. He called the devil over and said, "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence... but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

[Cum_Luver]

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[Cum_Luver]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[seesaw]

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are cute as you can be. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" the girl with two front teeth missing replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

The cuties go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.

They ring the door bell and once again and when the man opens the door, he grins and asks, "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy puffing his little chest out in pride.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" says the man.

Heads hung low, the children leave. Shortly the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"We're chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

[seesaw]

Why Halloween is better than sex...

10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes, then go again.

2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

[godslayer]

Doing if together...

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "...and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," acknowledged the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[godslayer]

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A Malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... Baby doll
3rd wife..... China doll
2nd wife.....Barbie doll
1st wife..... Panadol !

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night Men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 Peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

[godslayer]

ARAB MAN
An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel!"

SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and... Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

[godslayer]

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor!!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind fast, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. Wanted her tombstone to read:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

[beary]

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

*************

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19.

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

*************

Mary: Larry and Karen are getting a divorce.

Jill: You're kidding! I thought they had so much in common.

Mary: Actually, that's the problem. They both like pussy.

[beary]

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.


Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you!".


Then he turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."


He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends........$32,000.


Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.......................$3,000.


Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...................$8,500.


The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride doing the best man.............Priceless.


There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's


MASTERCARD

[beary]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. Again, the man reaches into his pockets and pulls out the tiny rat and the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and again proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[beachboyz]

Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.