Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning before breakfast.

They were really into it, even performing oral sex on each other.

I'm still trying to understand just why the husband went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after breakfast.

[beary]

Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Melva.

"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"

Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do then?"

"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!"

[beary]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

[Cookies & Cream]

Empty Seat
Your Ad HereA Denver Broncos
fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket
to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the

[nightsmith]

AN eighteen-year-old Italian girl told her mother that she was expecting a baby. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picked up the phone and made a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stopped in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, stepped out of the Ferrari and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and said, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores, a townhouse, a seaside villa, and a £2m bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4m bank account. If it is twins, they will receive a factory and £2m each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You try again."

[Lionel Messi]

Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was asked.

He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."

[Lionel Messi]

Cheap Beer

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[Lionel Messi]

Husbands' Nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[Lionel Messi]

Blonde Speeder

A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop.

When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."

The blonde says, "No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43."

To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."

The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do.

After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her."

[nightsmith]

1)青春少女想作爱
青春少女想作爱,口中却说你真坏。
你坏你坏你真坏,骗我和你看黄带。
心头激动难忍耐,光想立马就作爱。
半推半就解衣带,两腿被你八字开。
又粗又长那一块,二话不说插进来。
宝贵贞操遭破坏,叫我日后咋交待。
转念一想也不赖,心里感觉很愉快。
反正己是你的菜,有种你就使劲来。
招招命中我要害,姿势千奇又百怪。
娇声娇气催你快,咱们今天来比赛。
看看究竞谁先败,就是尻死也值得
从今往后不怕赖,再也不把哥哥怪。
固定资产随身带,走南闯北挣外块。
睡罢哥哥睡伯伯,睡过老内睡老外。
投资不大见效快,两腿一夹几百块。
卖过以后货还在,用水一洗接着卖。
反复使用无大碍,皮不破来肉不坏。
只要裤子提起来,谁说姑娘不正派。[size="3"][/size]

[beary]

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

[beary]

WHO ENJOYS IT MORE?


A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this. When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[beary]

GETTING LUCKY?

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?"

[beary]

Q: Why is the 69 position is like driving in rush hour?
A. The asshole is always in front of you!


----------------


Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore.

He was sent to an upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt.

The whole session lasted less than five minutes.

The john was not happy.

"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.

The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully.

"Your face looks familiar."

[beary]

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."


---------------


Jon was looking for a little "action."

He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.

After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.

He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.

After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"