Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[cheekydick]

A favour for an old friend

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.

One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."

So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.

He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.

He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.

The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!"

[cheekydick]

Biting back

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother."

[cheekydick]

Cold hands ...

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[cheekydick]

Three little words


Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

[cheekydick]

Doggy style variations

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[zerosixfive]

A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.
Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?"
To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

[zerosixfive]

An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear.
The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out.
After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well....it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...".
The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".

[zerosixfive]

A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas.
They sucessfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immidately.
The men were very excited and could only speak of doin the job.
Suddenly the piolot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert.
Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around.
Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."

[zerosixfive]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[birdie8819]

GUY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers


3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra


6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place











If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN!

[birdie8819]

A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.

While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.

"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"

"Hundred bucks," she replied.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.

[birdie8819]

A woman was drying herself off in the shower when she suddenly slipped over and landed spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her pussy had stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move.

She called out to her husband for help, and he rushed in and tried with all his strength to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge.

So he went next door and got the neighbor. Both of them started pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge, she was well and truly stuck fast!

Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her pussy?"

"Great idea pal," said the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so that I can then push her over to the kitchen, the tiles are a lot cheaper in there!"

[seesaw]

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what is going on.


What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A Sweet Fuck.

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought

[seesaw]

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

[nightsmith]

Nurse: We are going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample.

Patient: Here, just take my underpants...

NS