Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[pop-step]

Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."

[beary]

Bumper Sticker Suggestions


1. Constipated people don't give a shit.

2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

[beary]

A woman was drying herself off in the shower when she suddenly slipped over and landed spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her pussy had stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move.

She called out to her husband for help, and he rushed in and tried with all his strength to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge.

So he went next door and got the neighbor. Both of them started pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge, she was well and truly stuck fast!

Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her pussy?"

"Great idea pal," said the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so that I can then push her over to the kitchen, the tiles are a lot cheaper in there!"

[beary]

A guy visited his friend's house and saw a rubber object on the lounge, so he asked his mate what it was.

"It's an artificial pussy," his mate replied, "And it's the best fuck I have ever had!"

"Bullshit!" cackled the other guy, "A fake pussy your best screw? You gotta be joking!"

"Don't believe me? Why don't you take it home and give it a try then?" said his friend.

The guy took the fake pussy home, tried it out, and found out it was true. It was the best screw of his entire life.

Later that day, the guy's wife walked into the kitchen and saw the rubber object on the table.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It's an artificial pussy and it's the best fuck I have ever had in my life!" replied the husband

"If it's so good," asked the wife, "What is it doing in the kitchen?"

"Well," said the guy, "As soon as I teach it to cook I am going to get rid of you!"

[beary]

Elderly Foreplay



The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Glenys!', he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole.'

[seesaw]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a Real Rugby player. They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his Penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down," "It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

[seesaw]

Have You Ever Danced?



An old prospector shuffled into small town Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. . . Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. . . But. . . I've always wanted to."



There are two lessons for us all here:



Don't waste ammunition.


And . . . Don't mess with old people.

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

1. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

2. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

3. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

4. A man's home is his castle in a manor of speaking.

5. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

6. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

7. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

11. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

13. Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

14. Banning the bra was a big flop.

15. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

16. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

17. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

18. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

19. What's the definition of a will? (Come on...It's a dead giveaway!)

20. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

21. If electricity comes from electrons... Does that mean that morality comes from morons?

22. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

23. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

24. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

25. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

26. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

27. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

28. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

29. Without geometry life is pointless.

30. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

31. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

32. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

33. A backward poet writes inverse.

34. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

35. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

36. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

37. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

38. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

39. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

40. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

41. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

42. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

43. Every calendar's days are numbered.

44. A lot of money is tainted. It ain't yours and it ain't mine.

45. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

46. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

47. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

48. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

49. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

50. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

51. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

52. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

53. The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of him self.

[birdie8819]

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy that comes when you go to work!"

[birdie8819]

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved, including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So he had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right through the screen door and attacked the mailman.

The old man ran out, pulled his dog off, and began apologizing to the mailman. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do!"

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

[birdie8819]

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Ten minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Fifteen minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Twenty minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty five minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder.

Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's penis in his mouth.

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A


Define "Crossbreeding": When a priest gets a nun pregnant.

I have a very small apartment. I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends.

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer.

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.

Hear about the new gay sitcom? Leave it, it's Beaver.

Why is sex is like software? For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

What's the most active muscle in a woman ? The penis.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the definition of a vicious circle? A pussy with teeth.

How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

How do you get a woman off during sex? Push her.

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer.

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South? A homo-sex-y'all.

Hear about the new gay sitcom? Leave it, it's Beaver.

Why is sex is like software? For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

What's the most active muscle in a woman ? The penis.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the definition of a vicious circle? A pussy with teeth.

How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

How do you get a woman off during sex? Push her.

[birdie8819]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband...

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[birdie8819]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will
not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and
that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she
comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

[birdie8819]

Be Careful When You Masturbate!

Let's just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.

And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.

And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.

And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.

Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).

Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.

That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.

This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.

Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.

AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.