Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

[birdie8819]

A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.

At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.

It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.

At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made. While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"

They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you kinky curly little bastard!"

With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "hey, there are fo white gentlemans before me."

[birdie8819]

Dear Continental, American Airlines, Southwest, Delta,
United, et all:

I have the solution to prevent hijackings and get our
airline industry back on its feet at the same time.

Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin'
strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten
old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food
anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin.

Muslim terrorists would be afraid to get on the planes
for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every
heterosexual businessman in this country would start
flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would
come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would
see record revenue.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[birdie8819]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[birdie8819]

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture.

I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?"

. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, want it hot, and I want it now. Bring imple-ments, toys, rubber, leather, and whips, everything you've got, in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[birdie8819]

Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town. Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he came to a barber shop.

"Well," he said to himself. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one."

He went in and sat down and the barber said, "What can I do for you?"

Little Johnny said, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!"

So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he said, "Would you like a singe?"

Little Johnny said, "I said I want the works, everything."

The shop had a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walked over and asked if he want a manicure.

He said, "I want the works, everything!"

So she started working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes. In a few minutes she asked, "Shall I push back the cuticle?"

Little Johnny said, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."

[birdie8819]

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air.

He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies, "I am telling the time."

The man tells the Indian that he does not believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.

He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up.

He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time.

He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.

He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating.

He asks this Indian, "And what the hell are you doing?"

The Indian replied, "I am winding my watch!"

[birdie8819]

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

[birdie8819]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[birdie8819]

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.

"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

[birdie8819]

An 18-year-old young woman arrived home very late from a first date with a guy. Her angry mother asked her "where the hell" she'd been all night.

"Mom, I'm an adult now," said the woman, "and I think I am in love!"

"What do you mean?" queried the concerned mother. "It was only your first date with the guy!"

"Yeah," replied the daughter, "but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass!"

"That's not LOVE, my daughter," replied mother. "That's LUST!"

"Then what's love?" asked daughter.

Mother explained, "When you get fucked in the ass first and then suck his dick, that's love!"

[birdie8819]

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

+

Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her husband, what has he obviously done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why did the blonde always blow her boyfriend after having sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it, too.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture

[birdie8819]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

Think about this.

When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[birdie8819]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. ...

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a good look at you

[birdie8819]

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."

"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."

"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.

"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."