OPP

[UncleHasBeen]

Originally Posted by hydeparkk

I tried to talk to him about it.. offering to see doc with him etc but he doesn't want.

Any suggestions on how I can convince him to seek medical help?

From what u had shared, i think it would be more effective and less detrimental if he goes seek help on his own.
But u can actually nudge him subtly on that.

Since u guys have a sexless marriage, do u guys get intimate at all?

[hydeparkk]

I have tried to nudge him subtly, but he says he doesn't know where to go or what to tell the doctor. How shld i go abt this? Make appt for him?

What is your definition of "get intimate"?

Originally Posted by UncleHasBeen

From what u had shared, i think it would be more effective and less detrimental if he goes seek help on his own.
But u can actually nudge him subtly on that.

Since u guys have a sexless marriage, do u guys get intimate at all?

[hydeparkk]

Thanks sis..

Yes my only concern now is keeping discreet. My friend and I agreed that we will bring this secret of ours to our graves. And we will take all precautions to ensure that it remains just between the 2 of us.

Originally Posted by WIBlack

Hugz hugz...

Please don't think about it. Just look ahead and stay discreet ya.

Our bros here are able to teach us how to not think too much and not to be guilty. This is something I always wonder how they think and can still stay in a way as if they have done nothing wrong (ok, this is more relating to how my hb behaves even right now).

Just enjoy whatever makes you happy, but don't be caught. Use your guts feel if need be. 🙂

[hydeparkk]

Thank you for the suggestion. Guess we will start with GP first.

Originally Posted by whitebull

Sis hydeparkk, a tiny pill from most GPs would have solved the problem, no treatment needed, just a simple check to ascertain ur hubby got no heart problems.

[Koloncleanse]

Originally Posted by hydeparkk

Compared to your situation, I am more guilty because technically my husb didn't do anything wrong (not that I know of) besides not wanting sex. So yes I am very guilty most of the time. But at this point in time, I don't know how else can I have my own needs met.

Hey Hydeparkk, it is absolutely normal for you to have these feelings of guilt. You've shown tremendous courage and empowerment to find a someone to fulfill your needs. Your story caught my eye because it mirrors what i have with my wife, only for me it's my wife's physical issues. I love her greatly too, and go through the same emotional rollercoaster when i meet with someone else. IMO, it's straying only if your heart has left your husband.

[loneyheart]

How nice to meet a Soul Mate n keep it discreet

[UncleHasBeen]

Originally Posted by hydeparkk

I have tried to nudge him subtly, but he says he doesn't know where to go or what to tell the doctor. How shld i go abt this? Make appt for him?

What is your definition of "get intimate"?

Get intimate as in are there any physical contact between the two of u that is triggered by passion.
Kisses, caresses or cuddling.

Since there is no penetrative sex in the bedroom, then what does the bedroom scene looks like without penetrative sex.
Are there mutually assistance gratification?

Then this will be followed by what i suggested about nudging him subtly for med check or at least self-evaluation.

If both are u dont have sex but are active in getting physical, there is still a lot of hope.

Do u pleasure yourselves in front of one another?
Or mutually assisted pleasure-giving?
Assisted orgasm while mutually assisted?

These are very powerful and heavy non penetrative pleasures.
If u can get him to enjoy all these, u are one step closer to nudge him to get it check so that the pleasure can go to the next level, penetrative.

[BoxerBoy]

Originally Posted by hydeparkk

All my life, I had been a believer of no sex before marriage. Even though I feel I am quite a sexual person - I've always liked the intimacy and the connection, I told myself I will save the penetrative sex for my marriage. So throughout my dating years, my ex bfs and I engaged in all sorts of sexual acts except for the actual penetration.

Hi Sis,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I also married, but sex life not as great as before after 3 children come into our life and both me and my wife are busy with work. Similar situation like you, I have a good friend I knew many years, she is married but husband also don't like sex due to some personal issues.

From sharing about our work, our problems, our sex life after married, and eventually sharing about our sex desires that even our partner also won't know. Just happen 1 day me and my friend meet up for dinner and chit chatting at the beach, we end up kissing each other and have a great sex that night. The feeling is like 2 persons who has controlled our desire for very long and suddenly got a release. We started our relationship with agreement that will bring this secret to our grave.

Do we feel guilty to our partner when they do nothing wrong? Definitely. But it is hard to resist the desire when you found someone who enjoying sex like you do and willing to keep secret.

When back home, we continue to be a good husband/wife and won't contact each other unnecessary.

[hydeparkk]

Thanks for sharing.

Sexual compatibility is a very real thing, and is something that can change over time. However, there remains judgement on either party when there is a mismatch. Common assumptions are 1 party is lazy or another is asking for too much, mostly on either ends of the spectrum. But many forget that sexual needs is normal, and requires effort to upkeep.

Happy for you that you also found a regular partner who is sexually compatible with you at this point in time. For me, I'd try to liken my current situation to e.g. my husband doesn't like to watch movie or he doesn't like to eat spicy food. I won't force him to do it with me, I'd simply find friends to do it with. Same with sex. But at the end of the day, I still go back home to carry out my wife duties.

Originally Posted by BoxerBoy

Hi Sis,

Do we feel guilty to our partner when they do nothing wrong? Definitely. But it is hard to resist the desire when you found someone who enjoying sex like you do and willing to keep secret.

When back home, we continue to be a good husband/wife and won't contact each other unnecessary.

[hydeparkk]

We hardly have such physical intimacies as described by you, probably once every few months? Perhaps, we both know that it will not lead to penetrative sex so we are not as motivated. But as you have rightly pointed out, these non penetrative pleasures can be very powerful as well.

As I reflect, perhaps there's more that I can do. I can initiate more intimacies with my husb w/o expecting penetrative sex. This is something I shall work on.

I have been holding back with my husband on my sexual needs as I do not wish to come across as needy/sex-crazed esp with my previous conviction of no penetrative sex before marriage. I don't want him to feel like I have changed after getting married. So I am still quite "prim & proper" with him as I am also afraid that he will judge me.

But I show a completely different side of myself when I am with friend. I really let myself go, be slutty, talk dirty and am up for different sexual adventures (outdoor, in car, cum on face, cum in mouth and swallowing etc). Because we agreed, no judgement, just enjoyment.

Originally Posted by UncleHasBeen

These are very powerful and heavy non penetrative pleasures.
If u can get him to enjoy all these, u are one step closer to nudge him to get it check so that the pleasure can go to the next level, penetrative.

[curious11]

Originally Posted by BoxerBoy

Hi Sis,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I also married, but sex life not as great as before after 3 children come into our life and both me and my wife are busy with work. Similar situation like you, I have a good friend I knew many years, she is married but husband also don't like sex due to some personal issues.

From sharing about our work, our problems, our sex life after married, and eventually sharing about our sex desires that even our partner also won't know. Just happen 1 day me and my friend meet up for dinner and chit chatting at the beach, we end up kissing each other and have a great sex that night. The feeling is like 2 persons who has controlled our desire for very long and suddenly got a release. We started our relationship with agreement that will bring this secret to our grave.

Do we feel guilty to our partner when they do nothing wrong? Definitely. But it is hard to resist the desire when you found someone who enjoying sex like you do and willing to keep secret.

When back home, we continue to be a good husband/wife and won't contact each other unnecessary.

i also have such a situation where i’m close to an ex colleague after we both left the company. texted each other for years and also talked about sex and family and the rest. have hinted that i do treat her more than friend cos we literally share any personal challenges with each other. it’s those things where usually we just text, but if it’s urgent we’ll just pick up the phone and call, knowing the other party will pick up and help in whatever issues we happen to find ourselves in.

but all these years, no hints from her sexually.. so not sure if it’s one party (me) getting too excited or she taking me for a ride all this years and im a sucker all this while lol.

[UncleHasBeen]

Originally Posted by hydeparkk

We hardly have such physical intimacies as described by you, probably once every few months? Perhaps, we both know that it will not lead to penetrative sex so we are not as motivated. But as you have rightly pointed out, these non penetrative pleasures can be very powerful as well.

As I reflect, perhaps there's more that I can do. I can initiate more intimacies with my husb w/o expecting penetrative sex. This is something I shall work on.

I have been holding back with my husband on my sexual needs as I do not wish to come across as needy/sex-crazed esp with my previous conviction of no penetrative sex before marriage. I don't want him to feel like I have changed after getting married. So I am still quite "prim & proper" with him as I am also afraid that he will judge me.

But I show a completely different side of myself when I am with friend. I really let myself go, be slutty, talk dirty and am up for different sexual adventures (outdoor, in car, cum on face, cum in mouth and swallowing etc). Because we agreed, no judgement, just enjoyment.

Thanks for opening up, i appreciate such candid sharing.
The way your marriage works seem to be like how married couples behave probably in the 1920's and earlier.

There is a code of respectable behaviour even between married couples for the West and the Orient as well.

If there is no animosity, malice or hatred between a couple, even such respectable behaviour is not detrimental albeit no sex.

Well, u actually have a rather sound foundation for a marriage and i am not being sarcastic, no ma'am.

So work on the getting closer to your hub part first.
Then slowly up the game with mild intimacies.
Take your time. Your needs, u can have your friend do that part.

As u progress and i really hope u will make progress with your hub.
Once he is more accustom to the intimate vibe in your home, let's hope he would let himself loose.

There is a wounded child in all of us.
If he can let u know exactly what is his 'wounded child' is about, u guys can bring your relationship to the next level.

[hydeparkk]

My friend and I was like that for more than 10 years. We were just really good friends and talk about everything and be there for each other.

When we finally became sexual, he revealed to me that he has fantasised about me, dropped hints here and there but didn't push for anything for fear of ruining the friendship. For us, friendship comes first.

If I were to put myself in your ex-colleague's shoes, I would say that while she is comfortable telling you everything but at this point in time, her love/sex life is probably satisfying enough to not push her to seek intimacy elsewhere. She is really seeing u as a good friend now.

I guess girls are wired differently from guys. Most girls will not seek to cheat if they are sufficiently satisfied in their relationship. But for guys, I assume that it is a "the more the merrier" kind of situation - if there's an opportunity, why not?

If your intention is to keep her as a good friend, I suggest that u just keep doing what ure doing now. Even if she's doesn't act on your hints, so be it, you both are still good friends. Who knows, one fine day when things in her life change, your relationship may change too. Just like how it did in me and friend's case.

However, if your intention is to eventually be sexual with her, I'd say you probably have to target elsewhere.

Originally Posted by curious11

i also have such a situation where i’m close to an ex colleague after we both left the company. texted each other for years and also talked about sex and family and the rest. have hinted that i do treat her more than friend cos we literally share any personal challenges with each other. it’s those things where usually we just text, but if it’s urgent we’ll just pick up the phone and call, knowing the other party will pick up and help in whatever issues we happen to find ourselves in.

but all these years, no hints from her sexually.. so not sure if it’s one party (me) getting too excited or she taking me for a ride all this years and im a sucker all this while lol.

[hydeparkk]

Your 1920s comment cracked me up! 🤣 I guess a part of me still wants to maintain a respectable image infront of my husband. I am good in my work, have a healthy social circle, take care of my family and myself so in a way I am trying not to spoil my own image infront of him.

I will follow your advice to build intimacy with him first. It will be something that we both need to get used to. Hopefully, it will help him open up and find the need to do something about the situation.

Originally Posted by UncleHasBeen

Thanks for opening up, i appreciate such candid sharing.
The way your marriage works seem to be like how married couples behave probably in the 1920's and earlier.

There is a code of respectable behaviour even between married couples for the West and the Orient as well.

If there is no animosity, malice or hatred between a couple, even such respectable behaviour is not detrimental albeit no sex.

Well, u actually have a rather sound foundation for a marriage and i am not being sarcastic, no ma'am.

So work on the getting closer to your hub part first.
Then slowly up the game with mild intimacies.
Take your time. Your needs, u can have your friend do that part.

As u progress and i really hope u will make progress with your hub.
Once he is more accustom to the intimate vibe in your home, let's hope he would let himself loose.

There is a wounded child in all of us.
If he can let u know exactly what is his 'wounded child' is about, u guys can bring your relationship to the next level.

[yang punk]

Originally Posted by hydeparkk

Your 1920s comment cracked me up! 🤣 I guess a part of me still wants to maintain a respectable image infront of my husband. I am good in my work, have a healthy social circle, take care of my family and myself so in a way I am trying not to spoil my own image infront of him.

I will follow your advice to build intimacy with him first. It will be something that we both need to get used to. Hopefully, it will help him open up and find the need to do something about the situation.

You mentioned 'take care of my family' which I presumed refer to just your hubby and yourself not including any children right?

Before marriage have you both talked about having children after marriages? If you have than you can start talking about having children again. But no penetrative sex how to? I presumed after marriage you both did attempt to have sex right? So what happened? He can't maintain his erection? Even after you tried to stimulate him?

Then either he has a medical problem which he can only find out by consulting a doctor or he is gay (homosexual). If he is gay and out of embarrassment or family/social pressure he is hiding behind a sham marriage to save face then if you are happy to remain in such a situation then no advice is required. Just continue satisfying yourself with your extramarital affairs.

But if he is having a medical problem then how to have solution without consultation right? If he is so shy to speak to a doctor then you can speak to your gynaecologist first to ask for advice, eg if his problem can be solved with supplement or diet. Or perhaps the gynaecologist can recommend a specialist to treat him. If he is shy to speak to the doctor you can talk to the doctor first before he goes in or go together and you speak on his behalf.

If all this still come to nought then he is probably gay!