Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BaliHai]

A bloke pops round to visit a sick mate who has a broken leg.

"Anything I can do for you, mate?" he asks.

"My feet are freezing cold, mate," his friend replies. "Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please?"

The bloke goes upstairs and finds his mate's gorgeous, sixteen-year-old identical twin daughters in the bedroom, stark bollock naked.

"Hi, girls," he says, looking them up and down appraisingly. "It's your lucky day."

"Watcha mean?" said the first daughter, hurriedly slipping into a black, lace thong and bra while her sister covered herself with a towel.

"Your dad sent me up here to shag the arse off you," said the bloke.

The first daughter says, "Fuck off! He never did."

"He did too," replies the bloke, unzipping his trousers.

"No he never," said the second daughter, clutching the towel tightly to her heaving breasts.

"Oh yes he did," insisted the bloke, "want me to prove it?"

"Go on then," taunted the first daughter, staring boldly at him.

"Both of them?" the bloke yells down the stairs.

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them! They're a pair aren't they?"

[Lionel Messi]

The Pickle Slicer

"There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory.
One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, ""You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"""

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

"The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.
""You look okay,"" she said with a sigh of relief. ""So what happened to the pickle slicer?"""

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

[PussyDigger2]

I Was Looking for Sex


"Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine ""Sex"".
Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me.
I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, ""I was looking for Sex."""

My court case comes up next Thursday.

"One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said ""I would like to have one too!"" When I said ""But this is a dog,"" he said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, ""You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."""

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

"When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding.
I said, ""But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."""

"He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church.
I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there.
The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church."

"My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon.
When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex.
The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex.
Then I said, ""You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night"", and the clerk said,""Me too."""

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

"Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for.
Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, ""What seems to be the trouble?"""

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

[PussyDigger2]

Inspecting the Truck's Rear Axle

"A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife.
The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride."

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

"He got in his truck and began the journey home.
Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there."

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

"A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, ""Yes?"""

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

[yogi_b]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".

[yogi_b]

I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

[yogi_b]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[yogi_b]

THEY WALK AMONG US

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "Where?"

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff..."

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

While working at a pizza restaurant I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" she asked. Well, you might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The governor thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

[Roman city]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”. Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[Zousi]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

[Zousi]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[Zousi]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[Zousi]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[Zousi]

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[Zousi]

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''