Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[fabulously]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A man and his wife were in court to contest a divorce. The problem in contention was ....who should have the possession of the child? The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said:- "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour.... alone".

The judge then turned to the man and gave him the chance to defend himself and the man said:-
"My Lord, I have a question, when you insert your ATM card into the ATM machine and the money comes out does the money belong to you or the machine?"

😀😀😀😳🤔🙄
Court adjourned!!!

😬😁😜

Very good one LMAO

[Hurricane88]

[SBMEDSUP]

Thanks for all the. nice jokes

[Hurricane88]

*Cheeky old Pa* ... ..
*Air Force Joke* 👌🏿

I was at the Grocery store with Grandpa, who is a retd. Air force pilot, when two Girls in super short skirts walked by.

Grandpa said,
"Look at those Jet Skirts"
as we both admired the two Ladies.

I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt?

Grandpa replied, "It's a Skirt so short that *when they bend over you can see the Cock-pit."*
🤔😊

[Hurricane88]

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.”

But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.

The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”

Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars !!!😂🤣😂

[kaide]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.”

But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.

The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”

Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars !!!😂🤣😂

Thanks for 50 bucks jokes.

[dyelook]

laughter bumps...

[ah rat]

________________

[Hurricane88]

THIS IS SARCASM

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, *Is that Kronenbourg , Corona or Heineken*??
I said, *There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out*

*When you are over sixty who gives a shit*

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, *If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right*

I said, *If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you*

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

*************
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, *Nice legs*

The girl giggled and said with a smile, *Do you really think so*

I said *Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now*

When you are over sixty who gives a shit !!

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, *Go on then...try*

After about thirty minutes of fondling she began to lose patience and said, *Come on, what day was I born* ??

I said, *On your birthday*

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

************
I asked a Prostitute: *How Much For A Hand Job* ??

Lady: *50/- Do You Want One*

I : *No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self*

*When you are over 60 who gives a shit*

[Hurricane88]

[warbird]

The wife and the genie.

[warbird]

Let's hope they get a stiff sentence.

[Hurricane88]

Hi Friends!
Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year)
This one has some different questions than last year.

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert.
If you don’t use it, you will lose it !!
The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered.



#1. What do you put in a toaster ?












Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself. ;
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.







# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink ?



















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World.

However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.













# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from ?























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.



If you said 'green bricks', why
are you still reading this ? ; PLEASE, go and lie down !


But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.











# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating:



You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi.

at Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus.

At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on.

At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.


You then arrive at Changi.





Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?


















;
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud !

Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.



PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

Sorry for all the spaces... You'd be tempted to cheat otherwise...

If you had fun with this, send it on... I did... I already know that even when you missed a question, you went on to the next one, didn't you...😂😂😂😂😂

Congratulations.. life is like that, even when you fail, you keep going and persisting. Failure is no reason to give up... Stay blessed... ❤

[fallen11]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi.

at Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus.

At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on.

At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.

You then arrive at Changi.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver ?

i fell for this one

[ah rat]

__________