Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[aLinux]

thanks all contributors of this thread.
a very good thread.

[Charlottes]

Relex Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the
passport-size photograph of his son for college admission.
Accidentally, the photograph dropped down from his pocket.
He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor below
the ends of a woman's saree.
He asked her, "Can you lift your saree? I wanna take photograph".....


THE REST IS HISTORY...

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was
suprised to see Jaswan Singh on the next bed to him in a worse condition.
Jaswan explained what happened to him.
He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late & missed the
last bus. He couldn't find any hotel nearby.
So he approached a nearby house & asked the owner whether he can stay
there for a night.
The owner replied "I have 2 grown-up daughters. Sorry, you can't stay
here."
Then he approached the next house & asked the owner whether he can stay
there for a night.
The owner too replied "I have 3 grown-up daughters. Sorry u can't stay
here.."
So he went to the next house & asked "Do you have grown-up daughters?"
The owner asked "Why?"and Jaswan replied,"I want to stay for a night."


THE REST IS HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF...

The moral of the story is :
WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T USE THEM CORRECTLY...

[Charlottes]

Once upon a time in Singapore , there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.

The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins. Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable "leng chais" (handsome guys). They got married and were preparing to set- off on their honeymoon.

As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them......
"Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... you all must use codes to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off.

A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter.

It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED.
They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"
Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".
Mr. & Mrs. Ng beamed with joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. And another.
There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried.

Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".
Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair. The motto was ...

"7 TIMES A WEEK, 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY, NON-STOP".

[Charlottes]

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms.
__________________________________________________ _____

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave.
__________________________________________________ _____

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[Charlottes]

A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Charlottes]

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

[seesaw]

The Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. 'What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your willy?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of thebar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'

The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, ''Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!''

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because ''Quality is Job One' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?'

The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY.....' Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!! KP

[soundlab]

A man has lost his urge for sex after years of marriage. He seeks
advise from his mate in the pub. His friend explains that he needs to
remind himself of the scent of a women’s fanny!
So that night while his wife is asleep, he rubs his fingers on his
wife’s snatch, and then wipes his moist fingers under his nose.
Starting to feel the urge again, he nudges his wife, ‘Wake up
darling’, he says ‘I've got something for you’.
She wakes up, turns to him and says ‘Why did you wake me up to just
tell me you have a nose bleed, you silly!’

[BaliHai]

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[Roman city]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

[Highboy]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”

The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”

“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”

“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”

“Right I’ll give you three choices…
1 You come fishing with me and the dog…
2 You give me a BLOW JOB….
3 or you take it up the ass!”

The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”

“Wife I’ve given you three options..

You’ll HAVE to do one of them!

I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”

“Great!” He says and drops his pants.

[marlborotan]

nice thread to relax Good jobs bro

[yogi_b]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

[BaliHai]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the magnate.

"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you do not own her."

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights."

[BaliHai]

Four men-an East Indian, a Jamaican, a Native American, and a white
man-gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Jamaican said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Native American said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.


-----------------

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.

On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says,

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank,I'm a lesbian."

"That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."