Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Lunch with My Friends


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend : The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams ... I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[bigbirdbird]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts



A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
So open your mouth. close your eyes, and give your tongue some exercise!



Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!




Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So that women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.



A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal." "Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband, too!"




I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy, or huge boobs.

[bigbirdbird]

Drop-In Visit





A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.


The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

[bigbirdbird]

Jimmy‘s New Watch


Johnny was in the playground with his friend, Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were having sex. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father

[MohdSalah]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Jimmy‘s New Watch


Johnny was in the playground with his friend, Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were having sex. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father

Nice one bro!

[4wheeels]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Very nice and thanks you for posting.

[cannister]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Lunch with My Friends


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend : The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams ... I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Great jokes bro!! Pls share more.

[typhoon10]

Originally Posted by warbird

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 200 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

thanks bro warbird

[krafol]

Very good thread, thanks bro bigbirdbird!

[ThisIsFirewood]

Originally Posted by warbird

Planning Ahead

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."

The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $50,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement

"I'll take it!" Declared the old man.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "Sir, there's NO money in that account!"

The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"

Very nice share, thanks bro!!

[bigbirdbird]

French Exam





On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are having passionate sex in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

[bigbirdbird]

NAME: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim but
so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will make a wonderful pet.

[bigbirdbird]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[bigbirdbird]

Crash Landing


Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super-models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best-looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle."

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"