Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Paddy Takes the Train


Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"

[bigbirdbird]

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.

"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."

"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

*****************

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

[35cents]

oooh..... nice nasty one bro....

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Speeding Ticket


A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.

The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer, you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

[Sanzara]

Originally Posted by 35cents

oooh..... nice nasty one bro....

Excellent i loved it too

[BadDecision2009]

A man laid struggling on bed fighting for his life not to meet his maker as best as possible,

He knows he is dying soon, yet hesitant to go...

His wife is at the bedside telling him that all will be fine and that she will be strong for them both

The man, seeing his wife's sincere and earnest disposition turns to look at her and says this to her,

"I know i can't last much longer,

I am not afraid of death

But i am afraid of losing you... *wheeze*

Look after yourself well after i go

Find a new partner in life after i go, but let him wear my clothes when you do.

The wife looks at him puzzled and ask the dying man, "but why so?"

The dying man replied the wife,

"This way i get to still be near you whenever he is with you wearing my clothes"

The woman in the midst of emotions blurted out,
"But your clothes are XL in size and he's a M size!...~"

Man gasps for one last breath *wheeze hack... urgh... ack."...

[michael_368]

Originally Posted by 35cents

oooh..... nice nasty one bro....

Thanks and up you back.

[MusoWrestler]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Speeding Ticket


A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.

The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer, you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

Nice one

[emgaimua]

Tks bro bird for champion jokes.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.

"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."

"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

*****************

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

[spaoldbird]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Paddy Takes the Train


Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"

Very good one, thx bro bigbirdbird.

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts



Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.



“It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

~ Lao Tzu



Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.



Recommended doses of Viagra:

New Girlfriend: No Need.

Old Girlfriend: Half Tablet.

Mistress: 1 Tablet.

Wife: 2 Tablets + Blue Film + Whisky + Will Power + Her Permission

[bigbirdbird]

The Legless Parrot and the Troubled Man


A guy is having marital problems.

He and the wife are not communicating at all, and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.

When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says,

"Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down on her inner left thigh.So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

***********

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!

[bigbirdbird]

Brown Eyes


A man was talking to his friend at the bar.

The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?"

"No, I didn't know that." The man replied.

"So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend.

The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out."

So, the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!"

Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here?"

[bigbirdbird]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys,
where means a smile and is a frown.

Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass

[paynow]

Tks for nice jokes.