Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ClickCassy]

Very good jokes!!

[BroLaughing]

Very good jokes. Thank you.

[Ramzai]

The Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children
and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance,
a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee
a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
considering their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so.
I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,
her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.
'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'You mean they actually chewed on your,
uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes..
Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

[bigbirdbird]

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, PD, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a vegan.

[bigbirdbird]

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeete......I kissed a Cock-or-two."

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two little boys are visiting their cousin in the country when they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road.

"Hey," one of the dumbass city boys says, "look, a poor cow lost one of its titties!"

"Let's go give it to the farmer!" the other one says.

So, they work they way up to the farm house. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer.

"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?"

The farmer, not in the mood for conducting a Sex-Ed seminar, said, "Sure, boys, here's a dollar for your trouble."

The boys hand over the rubber and head on back down the road. After a little while one says to the other, "You know, lardass, we could have got more than a buck if you hadn't drank the darn milk!"

Fucking stupid...
lol

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by Ramzai

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He ! examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

hehehehe...
fucking funny
lol

[devilchan78]

Thanks bro bigbirdbird for effortlessly posting in this thread 👍

[iRawyer]

Very good jokes, thanks to all who contributed

[Melissa2015]

Originally Posted by Playman

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't piss on my slippers. '

Haha, this is new knowledge for me at the Clinic.

[bigtube99]

Originally Posted by Ramzai

The Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children
and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family......

Haha this is funny

[marc5]

Originally Posted by devilchan78

��

Upped you back my 10.

[VietnamMan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeete......I kissed a Cock-or-two."

Thank you bro for posting to share.

[bigbirdbird]

A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer.

They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.

"Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"So, you've joined a fitness club then?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?"

"I've got a new girl friend," says Jim.

"But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?"

"Well" says Jim, "my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In fact she's like a wire brush down there!"

"So?" says the inquisitive friend.

"So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize your face at the same time!"

[bigbirdbird]

A friend of mine has just started teaching.

One day she arrived to her lesson a bit late and was a bit flustered.

Getting the chalk out of bag she started writing on the black board, on vaguely concious that something was a bit wrong. The writing was a bit feint and the kids were too quiet.

Then one of the girls on the front row said, "Miss, why are you writing with a tampon?"

Looking at her hand my friend realised that she did, indeed, have a tampon in her hand!

Without missing a beat she replied, "Oh dear. I hope I didn't make the same mistake in the toilet!"