Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[CopyRight]

A guy and his girlfriend have been dating for three years. With no sex. They decided to marry. Two week before the wedding a guy leads his girlfriend to her home. They go into the stairwell of her apartment building. The guy:
- Darling, please, let's have sex, right here in the stairwell, I can't wait any longer. Only two weeks are left to the wedding, this won't change anything. Please, I want it so much.
- Sorry, no, and I have three reasons:
1. If you have managed to wait for three years, you'll easily deal with two more weeks. 2. If anyone would see us making love in the stairwell, this would ruin everything. 3. I still feel terrible backache after sex in the stairwell.

[CopyRight]

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a
postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"

[pointmagnet]

A Singaporean boyboy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well boyboy, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call boyboy the People. The Filipina maid, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So boyboy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, feeling thirsty, he gets up to ask his parents for a glass of water. He hears his baby brother crying and goes to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. Then boyboy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. He tries to wake her up but she just shrugs him off. Boyboy then goes to the maid's room and knocks on the door but there was no reply. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having wild and kinky sex with the hot pinay. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, boyboy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, boyboy, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." Boyboy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and our Future is in Deep Shit .


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In case you are wondering about my points, I earned them at the "Free Rep Points for ALL" thread. No joke.

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[soundlab]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[soundlab]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[soundlab]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[soundlab]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[baconly]

Originally Posted by soundlab

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

lol heard before but still quite funny

[Advalorum]

Another variation:

Originally Posted by CopyRight

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys ..."

.... I see shit ahead

[pointmagnet]

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could hold it in until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he went to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long line. So he figured he could wait until he dropped her off.

When they pulled up onto her driveway, she exclaimed, "Oh goody, my parents are here. Come on in and meet them." Hoping that he would get lucky with the girl later on, he agreed although his arsehole was about to explode at this point. They went in and sat down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer and tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family dog Spot, in the hopes that they might blame the mutt for the horrendous smell.

The girl's father stood up and hollered "Spot!" and sat back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he started bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stood up, shouted "Spot!" and sat back down. Finally, he let it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt ripped through the dining room. The girl's father angrily stood up again and yelled "SPOT, GET THE FUCK OUT FROM UNDER HIM BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!"

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In case you are wondering about my points, I earned them at the "Free Rep Points for ALL" thread. No shit.

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[pointmagnet]

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 2 kilogramme weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 2kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/5 kilogramme program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 5 kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/10 kilogramme program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge sweaty hairy muscular guy standing there with a raging thirty centimetre boner wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "When I catch you baby, your arse is mine."

The man lost 30 kg that week and he is still running !

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In case you are wondering about my points, I earned them at the "Free Rep Points for ALL" thread.

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[pointmagnet]

Slut jokes are just whoreable.

Q: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A: Brothel sprouts.

Q: How do you get a whore pregnant?
A: Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
A: A fuckin know-it-all!

Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A pastatute.

Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or a whore?
A: A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

Q: What does bungee jumping and fucking whores have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
A: They like the part where the whore gives the money back.

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a whore with diarrhea?
A: Well, one shucks between fits and the other ...

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: Whores fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q: What do you call a group of whores on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

Q: What do you call a whore who gives blowjobs for a pair of Jimmy Choos?
A: Head Over Heels

Q: What do you call a whore in her own bed?
A: Rare!

Q: What do you call a whore with her hand down her panties?
A: Self Employed!

Q: If a new whore uses vaseline, what does an old whore use?
A: An old whore uses poly-grip super glue!

Q: Why do politicians never conduct business on the same street where a whore is working?
A: Professional courtesy!

Q: What do you call a scared prostitute?
A: Whore-ified.

Q: What do u call hooker that likes in in her ass?
A: a crack whore

The wind is such a whore, it blows everyone.

I heard she was born naked, that slut.

Wanna know what slut stands for sexy, large, unforgetable, tits

You can't make a whore a housewife but you can definitely make a housewife a whore.

If she was a dinosaur, she would be a bi*ch-a-whoreous.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs b!tch they're not a door.

I'm not saying she's a whore.... all I'm saying is that she's been on more weiners than ketchup.

I'm not saying she's a whore, but if her vagina was a video game it would be rated E for Everyone.

Hoe, I'd kick you in yo vagina but I don't wanna lose my shoe.

Sluts make whoreable friends.

Sorry whores, but L.O.V.E. does not stand for: Legs. Open. Very. Easy.

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In case you are wondering about my points, I earned them at the "Free Rep Points for ALL" thread.

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[pointmagnet]

Sex, Love and Marriage Jokes.

What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
Wedding Cake!

What are the four rings you need to get married?
Engagement Ring.
Wedding Ring.
Suffe-Ring.
Endu-Ring.

How do you get your girlfriend to immediately stop giving you blow-jobs forever?
Marry her.

Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Because he was married to the wrong woman.

Why do married men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is loud and obnoxious?
Bridezilla.

Three words to ruin your husband's ego ...
"Is it in?"

What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 kg.

How to turn chick into FOWL?
Marry the chick and it will quickly become Fat, Obnoxious, Wrinkled and Lazy!

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
Hopefully your wife.

What's the difference between a Maid of Honor and a Pit Bull?
Lipstick

A man inserted an ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

How do most men define a wedding?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

I just married Miss Right.
I didn't know until after the wedding her first name was Always!

What's the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

What is the ideal marriage?
One between a deaf man and a blind woman

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

What is the definition of a successful man and a successful woman?
A successful man earns more than what his wife can spend. A successful woman is that wife.

Remember weddings are the number one cause of divorce. 100% of all divorces started with a wedding!

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying

Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure!
Wife: What about the rest?
Husband: Well, the rest are married!

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In case you are wondering about my points, I earned them at the "Free Rep Points for ALL" thread.

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[bigbirdbird]

You may not know this but many inanimate objects have a gender...

Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons a re pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have

to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't

have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying!

[bigbirdbird]

WORDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SEX


"You feel almost as good as my wife."

"You know, your mother is so much better!"

"Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

"Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!! !

"Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."

"Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"

"Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol

"Oops I did it again."

"Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on in one minute."

"Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."

"Is it in yet?"

"Do you think your sister would like to join us?"

"I think we should paint the ceiling ivory"

"Are you sure you're not named 'Speedy Gonzales'."

"Oops, sorry I called you by your brother's name."

"Did you just have salami for lunch?"

Fart, giggling, fart, giggling, fart, giggling.

"WRONG HOLE!!!"

"Finished! I didn't think you started yet."

Laughing with the explanation: "I just remembered a joke I heard today."

"But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was over