Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Foggiares]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Foggiares]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[Foggiares]

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh."

[Foggiares]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

[Foggiares]

There are 3 dogs in a veterinarian clinic: a Poodle, a Chihuahua, and a Great Dane.
The poodle asks the Chihuahua," What are you in here for?" The Chihuahua says," Well usually I’m a good dog...but I have a huge problem with my mail man. I don’t know why, I just always have to bite him, and I gave him a serious injury. So... they’re going to put me to sleep today. What are you here for?" he asks the poodle.

The poodle says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but my owners son always sticks his finger in my food while I'm eating. And when he does that...I just got to bite him I don’t know why. And I really hurt him. So there going to put me to sleep today."

The two dogs look at the Great Dane, and the Great Dane is like 20 times bigger than them. And they ask," DAMN MAN!!! What are you in here for? You never see Great Danes in the pound." And the Great Dane says," Awwww, you guys wouldn't believe me if I told you." And they said, "JUST TELL US!"

So the Great Dane says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but you see I have like the hottest owner in the world. She’s a beautiful woman with a HOT RACK and SEXY ASS. One day when she got out of the shower, she bent over to get a towel. When she did, I totally lost all self-control. So I mounted her and started GOING AT IT!!!"

The two dogs say, "DAMN MAN!!! So they’re going to put you to sleep too huh???” And the Great Dane replies, "HELL NO, I'M JUST HERE TO GET MY NAILS TRIMMED!"

[LiLeeWah]

Nice thread.
Cheers

[nine6nine6]

very relaxing thread..

[kankachng]

The jokes are good and good for de-stress

[sideswapmi]

I camping here overnight

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

[bigbirdbird]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.


The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts..

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'.

'what do you mean?' asked his wife.

'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers, i think i got most of them back in.

[bigbirdbird]

One day a young man entered a pharmacy and asked the older lady behind
the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.
"I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "My sister and I are both
Pharmacists and we are partners in this business."

"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "My sister and I have been
pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so
what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with
erections. Once I become aroused, it won't go down for hours and
hours,no matter how much I use self stimulation or how many times I have
intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?"

"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him.
About 5 minutes later she returned to the counter.

"Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you
is $700 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

[bigbirdbird]

This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front
desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle
him. She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the
right. He does and just as they get started she starts screaming
from the pain.

He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that
he said he wanted a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go
down the hall and its the third door on the left. He does and once
again the woman starts screaming just as they get started.

Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know
you want a women that can handle you. She says, ok ok this time go
all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any
lights so just feel around till you hit something wet and stick
it in. He does this and just as they get started nothing happens
there isn't any screaming.

Well he thinks, finally, this could work. As he gets into it he
shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby". She replies "MOOOOOO"!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$

[Killer Eye]

oh ya,this thread is good.
after a hard day,one of the way to de-stress.

[Caponata]

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''