Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS


1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?


Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are
born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[beary]

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[beary]

WRONG BITCH

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine
walked the entire lengthlookingfor a seat.

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed
French woman,but whenhe got there, he saw it
was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marineasked, "Ma'am, may I
have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one
in particular, "Americans are sorude. My little
Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but
the only seat available wasunderthat dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude,
you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word;
he just picked up the little dog,tossed
it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me!
Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.

"Sir, you Americans seem to have apenchant
for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your autos on the wrong side of
the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out the window.

[beary]

A man named Butt walks into a grocery store where he sees one of his closest friends, Bob.

Bob approaches him with a sincere smile and greets Butt.

After a good conversation between the two men, Bob looks at Butt with affection and says: "Listen Butt, you're my best friend. I respect you a lot and would never do anything to hurt you, but I've got to let this off my chest. I think you deserve much better than Lola. I'm telling you this as a friend. Your wife is not exactly a conservative woman!"

Butt looks at Bob in bafflement and replies: "What do you mean?"

Bob looks him straight in the eyes and whispers in his ear: "Look around! Why do you think there are almost no men in this grocery store? As a true friend, I feel obliged to tell you this.

Every time you go grocery shopping, there is a very long line-up at your front door!"

Butt, confused and puzzled asks : "What are you trying to say?"

Bob looks at him in sorrow and replies: "I hate to break this to you my dear friend, but your wife is a money hungry whore! Divorce her!"

Butt, startled by Bobs rude comment replies in a fury: "What kind of a friend are you? You must think I'm an Idiot?

You want me to divorce her, so I'll have to wait in line too?"

[beary]

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.

Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.

Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.

Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

[beary]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button.

Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks.

The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.

3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 1,000 Pounds to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car.

7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."

11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.

12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.

[bigbirdbird]

Slogans for Hooters Air

Where Flight Attendants Double as
Flotation Devices

When You Fly Hooters, You Fly the
Very Breast!

Low Fares, Convenient Scheduling and
Humongous Fake Breasts
(Not Necessarily in That Order)

38-24-747!

We Put the T&A in "Trans-Atlantic"

Where Every Seat Is a Cockpit

Scenic Mountain Views on Every Flight!

We Love to Fly in Chilly Cabins
and It Shows!

Full Upright Position? Count on It!

We Defy Gravity Every Day!

No, They're Not Natural...
but Neither Is Flying

Pray for Turbulence

Boeing! Boeing!

[bigbirdbird]

Sexting, or, “sex texting,” is becoming a big problem among America’s teens.
Luckily for parents, a lot of sites are posting some common sexting terms used by teenagers so they can keep tabs on what their children are up to.
But these days, more and more old folks are using cell phones and (probably) sexting each other.
So how can you tell if grandparents are sending other grandparents dirty text messages?
Here are a few terms and codes keep an eye out for:

DYRS – Do You Remember Sex?
MWIIACWC – My Wife Is In A Coma, Wanna Cyber?
TVKI – The Viagra’s Kicking In
ITAC – Is This A Computer?
GoL – Grandchild on Lap
N911 – Nurse Alert
420 – Dinner Time
IOMM – I’m Off My Meds
MGIAQ – My Grandson Is A Queer

SYHFUMA – Shove Your Hummel Figurine Up My Ass
FOLS – Fond of Leathery Skin

DiR – Death In Room
TYDO – Take Your Depends Off
LMIRLABE – Let’s Meet In Real Life At Bob Evans
OSMGISUMWC – One Second, My Grandson Is Setting Up My Web Cam
MPHWHJ – My Parkinsons Helps With Hand Jobs
TCS – The Catheter Stings
WYWM – Will You Wipe Me?
LSMSSCOW – Let’s Spend My Social Security Check On Whores

WMBRB – Watching Matlock, Be Right Back
LDOMC – Lay Down On My Craftmatic
KADC – Knitting A Dildo Cozy
LMG – Lost My Glasses
RU/81 – Are You Over 81?
WSTMO – Willard Scott Turns Me On
PRUN – Prunes
LYWMGUO – Leave Your Wal-Mart Greeter Uniform On
IFTWPA – I Forgot To Wear Pants Again
LLP – Let’s Lemon Party

[hoonkeetan]

Oh! these Traffic Cops

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

[hoonkeetan]

Feeding New Borns

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[hoonkeetan]

Early from work

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife in the company of another man.The conversation goes like this...

Wife : Why are you so early from work ?

Husband : Who is he ?

Wife : Now , don't change the topic !!

[hoonkeetan]

Advertisements!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. "

[hoonkeetan]

High-tech milking machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's

Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

[sic gecko]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[sic gecko]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"