Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Darussalam]

100 Camels for Wife
US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[Darussalam]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar...
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat抯 milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he抯 a martyr."

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don抰 they?"

[Darussalam]

The O'Malley Twins
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Darussalam]

A Talkative Public Bathroom
Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

- "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

- "Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

- "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

- "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

[Darussalam]

Women Drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

[Darussalam]

Tech Support
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller
demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps
being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

[Darussalam]

Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

[beary]

A girl goes to confession.


"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

[beary]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race,
went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

[beary]

Eileen and her husband Joe went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Joe watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Joe and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Joe thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

[beary]

An old Jew and a young Jew are traveling on the train.

The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The old Jew does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?"

The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

[beary]

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife
angry and waiting for him at the door.

"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.

"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"

"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink,
and you have your own pussy."

[beary]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced `quiche'."

[deadfish]

Dating Gifts

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, he showed up with flowers and chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair, hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

[deadfish]

Advice By Aunt

Jenna, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."