Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Horton88]

What does B.I.T.C.H mean?
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a BITCH?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

[Horton88]

The Open Toe Shoe Pledge


Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again. Just a friendly reminder!! Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: (The Open Toed Shoe Pledge)...

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $10 and worth EVERY penny).

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals... Don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other sisters.

[Horton88]

Declaration Of Independence Reply
The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

[Horton88]

Driving Rules
1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

12. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

13. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

14. Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

[Horton88]

Fred Dingaling
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

[Horton88]

Legal Quotes
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

[Horton88]

Men's room
20 Types of men you might meet in the men's room.

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

[Horton88]

Nixon And Clinton
Major Scandal during their presidency....

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed The President's biggest fear....

Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President.....

Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns
Their Vice-Presidents...

Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.
Presidential qualities.....

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Things the President couldn't explain....

Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
Presidential Nicknames....

Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy
and finally, Presidential excuses....

Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn't get in her nook

[birdie8819]

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

[birdie8819]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft.

The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem"

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chat rooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 48-speed CD-ROM."

"48-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the Super Deluxe Inflatable Milk Maid, whatever *that* is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

[birdie8819]

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight.Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly... That's what I'd like. What I *need* is a new tie!"

[birdie8819]

Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"


Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."


"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."


"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"


"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"


"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"


"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!"

[2thousand8]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

[2thousand8]

Whiskey in the Jar

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit! ...

[2thousand8]

Never drink and drive

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for potential violators of the driving-under-the-influence law. At closing time, the officer notices a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different cars before finally finding his own. The fellow then opens his car door and proceeds to sit in the front seat.

By now, everyone else has left the bar and driven off.

After some trouble, the fellow starts the engine and begins to pull away. The police officer stops the driver in his tracks, reads him his rights and administers a breathalyzer test. Amazingly, though, the results show a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be. "I don't get it. You stumbled out of the bar, triped on the curb and tried your keys on six different cars before finally found your own. How can it be that you blow 0.00?"

Replies the driver, "Fooled you, sir... I'm just the designated decoy."