Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

YULETIDE WARNING


Mike woke up after the annual Christmas party with
a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly
unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening.


After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him.


'Sandra', he moaned, 'tell me what happened last
night, was it as bad as I think?'


'Even worse', she said, her voice oozing scorn.
'You made a complete ass of yourself. You
succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors and you insulted the Chairman of the
company, right in his face'.


'He's an asshole' Mike said, 'I could piss on him'.


'You did' came the reply, 'and he fired you'.


'Well, fuck him then', said Mike.


'I did', said Sandra, 'you're back at work on
Monday'.

[seesaw]

Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.Before long, along came a little old man.

The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one."

"No", said the father.

"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man.

The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough."

"No", the father said.

"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."

"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive,and eat your mother".

[seesaw]

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. I demand proper manners in bed, she declared, "Just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

[seesaw]

A young city boy is spending Thanksgiving with his grand parents on their farm.

Whilst Grandma is getting dinner ready, Grandpa takes the young lad for a walk around the farm.

The boy sees the bull jumping a cow and asks Grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa tells the boy the bull is serving the cow.

In the stable two horses are going at it and again the young lad asks for an explanation.

Grandpa says the stallion is serving the mare.

When they get to the pig sty, sure as hell, two pigs are getting it on.

The boy looks at Grandpa and says, "I know what's going on, the boar is serving the sow. Am I right?"

Just then Grandma calls them in to dinner.

Grace is said and Grandma says to Grandpa, "Will you please serve the turkey, Grandpa?"

The kid looks horrified and says, "If he does, I want a hamburger."

[seesaw]

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!


WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean Ok? I thought it was a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.



Spelling lesson
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

[seesaw]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you..'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.


I forgot the oral sex stage.

I ask the wife for a shag and she tells me f*ck off!

[tomvoyeur]

Thanks - this is funny!

[ah rat]

2009 Best Adult Jokes Via SMS in USA

Grand Prize USD50,000.00
1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."

First Prize USD25,000.00
(2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now.You got nice house."

10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each
(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used
to have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes.
Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

(7) A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and
said, "Sweetheart,this is my last blowjob for you."

(8) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his
secretary:"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

(10) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus.Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the
worldis a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a
simplethought

[sexed]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[sexed]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[bakylotus]

RESTROOM SIGNS


Express Lane, 5 beers or less


No matter how good she looks, some other
guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit!


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of
life, then let's all get wasted together and have
the time of our lives.


Beauty is only a light switch away.


At the feast of ego, everybody leaves hungry.


It's hard to make a comeback if you haven't
been anywhere.


Make love, not war, hell, do both, GET MARRIED!


If voting could really changed things, it would
be illegal.


No wonder you always go home alone.


A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or
testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.


You're too good for him.


And the one in the men's restroom in the
House of Representatives, Washington DC -

IF PRO IS THE OPPOSITE OF CON, THEN WHAT
IS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS?
CONGRESS!

[ah rat]

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents.

Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm,and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh! shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[beary]

Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents' bedroom. It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising position.

Little Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mummy! What's wrong! Are you okay?" he asks hesitantly.

His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Um! Your mummy and I are, Ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while and it looks funny but that's how it's done."

Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.

A week later, Little Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch when his daddy gets home. "What's wrong Little Johnny?" asked his worried father.

"You know my baby brother you and mummy were making?"

"Yeah?,"

Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mummy let the mailman in and I think he ate my baby brother!!"

[Horton88]

UK Football. A 5 point plan for success
AFTER the humiliation of Euro 2000, the consensus about English football's future appears to be clear - however unpalatable the idea might be, we must learn to be more like the French.

But, short of crazy notions like actually passing the ball to each other rather than hoofing it up to towering target man Michael Owen, how can this be accomplished?

Steve Anglesey outlines his five-point plan to put us on a par with Les Bleus...

1) FIELD MORE BALD PLAYERS During World Cup 98 and Euro 2000, the French boasted the shiny pates of Fabien Barthez and Frank Leboeuf, not to mention the egg-in-the-nest look favoured by Zinedine Zidane, with notably successful results. England, meanwhile, fielded the shaggy Steve McManaman alongside the surely over-hirsute David Seaman. Heartbreak quickly followed. Top marks to David Beckham for having a go by shaving his locks, but England haven't fielded a player with serious hair loss since Steve Stone fleetingly bustled his way into the reckoning. And is it any coincidence that we won the World Cup with the thinning Nobby Stiles in the side and only went out of the 1970 tournament when comb-over king Bobby Charlton was substituted? We say: Bring back Alan Cork!

2) GET BETTER GIRLFRIENDS
As they trudge home, weary from battle, the French know full well that the likes of Linda Evangelista, Adriana Skleranikova and the frankly well-upholstered Agathe Petit will soon be slipping a croque monsieur into the microwave, pressing play on that Vanessa Paradis CD in the boombox and preparing for a night of l'amour. Though Tony Adams' brief dalliance with Caprice did much to up the ante for England, our proudest boasts are, in descending order of loveliness: 1. Louise Nurding (for the one match a year when Jamie's not injured). 2. Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham - as beautiful as she is talented. 3. Sundry Essex bottle blondes called Debbie. The fact that our girls almost certainly have smoother armpits is no cause for complacency.

3) COLONISE MORE SMALL COUNTRIES
Marcel Desailly, Lilian Thuram, Patrick Vieira and a handful of others weren't actually born in France, instead hailing from French-connected places as various as Ghana and Guadeloupe. The closest England appear to have come to matching this worldwide recruitment policy is to unearth Graeme Le Saux (Jersey) and Michael Owen (used to go to Wales on his summer holidays). The way forward is clear: either use gunboat diplomacy to colonise a seriesof small countries like Blighty used to back in the Good Old Days or, if the former is deemed too politically incorrect, open an FA Centre Of Excellence for the 26 inhabitants of the Falkland Islands who are neither sheep nor penguins.

4) THE SCRABBLE FACTOR
Can it be any coincidence that even without the benefit of double- or triple-word scores, ZINEDINE ZIDANE' is worth 34 on the Scrabble board, while 'BIXENTE LIZARAZU' would get you an even more impressive 42. 'ALAN SHEARER', by contrast, is worth a scant 14. A good job he's retiring. Oh for the days when Albert Quixall - surname worth 23 points alone!? - bossed the midfield for England. And surely more could have been done to prevent 51-pointer Muzzy Izzet playing for Turkey?

5) USE MORE PLAYERS WITH GIRLS' NAMES
Not only does a glance at the European champions' team sheet reveal the openly girlish Lilian Thuram, Fabien Barthez and Emmanuel Petit, but the French also insist on giving Laurent Blanc and Nicolas Anelka a touch of femininity by refusing to pronounce the final letter of their first names. Alas, this only seems to work with Christian names, so there's no need to call up Darren Eadie or persuade Steve McManaman to become the less sexist Steve McWomanawoman. The only option appears to be judicious deed polling, leaving us with a line-up including Paula Ince, Denise Wise and Phyllis Neville. Perhaps former England skipper Emma-Lynn Hughes could see to it?

[Horton88]

Great Female Comebacks
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?