Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hosida]

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[seesaw]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."

[seesaw]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[magixskin]

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 puond right, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints !!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says: "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big black dude looks down and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Tuner Brown."

The small white guy says: "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.' "

[magixskin]

Martin joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Martin replies "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lay down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily has sex with him.

Martin continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Martin replies "No, what do you mean?" You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Martin around, bands him over the bench and has his way with him.

Martin rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: " May I help you?" Martin says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $600 joining fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...: Martin replies: "Listen lady, I am 59 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 16 times a day. No thanks!"

[magixskin]

Antonio has tired to get his wife to blow him his entire married life, but she never given in. He tired again and again, but she always said no. He begged and pleaded, but she always insisted that she rather die a horrible, twist death than to ever do it.

One night, the argument gets very heated, and after hours of screaming, yelling, crying, ranting and raving, she finally give in and agrees...

She takes his dick in her hand, and then slowly starts to put it in her mouth. Just as she gets her lips over the head, the phone rings, and Antonio answer, He says: "Hello? Yeah, she's home." He looks down at her and says: "It's for you, cocksucker."

[bigbirdbird]

Things in Football That Sound Dirty ... But Aren't



20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. it's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big; you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line).

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

1. He's got great hands.

[Cum_Luver]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Cum_Luver]

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied: "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it , that I found in your pants pocket." The man then said' "When i was at the races last week JENNY was the name of the horse i bet on.' "The wife apologised and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious, upon re-gaining consiousness the man asked why she had hit again. "Your horse phoned."

[Cum_Luver]

There was this New York banker got tired of living in the city so he sold everything he owned and bought a wheat ranch in Montana. One day he was sitting on his porch when he saw this dust cloud coming. It was a cowboy on a horse.

The cowboy says: "Hi, I heard you bought this spread and I wanted to welcome you to the country." The banker says: "Why, that's awful neighborly of you!"

The cowboy says: "I'm gonna throw a party tonight in your honor." The banker says again: "That's mighty neighborly of you."

The cowboy says: "It will be all kinds of fun, food, alcohol." Banker says: "Great."

Cowboy says: "Well, some times there's some fighting.." Banker says: "That's alright, I can take care of myself."

Cowboy says: "And sex, too.'" Banker says: "Great."

Cowboy says: "Alright, I will see you tonight. I live about 5 miles east of here." As he is riding away the banker yells: "Hey, what should I wear to this party?" The cowboy says: "Don't matter, it's just gonna be me and you!"

[Cum_Luver]

A wife sends her husband to a grocery store: "And don't forget to buy the milk, do you hear me?!" "I hear you..." "And take the low fat one, don't mix up!" "Take it easy, I won't..." "And don't buy wine instead, like you did the last time, do you remember?!" "Of course I remember..." "And no beer, like the time before that, do you get it?!" "I do, I do...." "Well, go then!" Ten minutes later in the grocery store: "What did she tell me to buy - was it wine or beer? Oh, well, I'll better take both, just in case."

[Hosida]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[Hosida]

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

Don’t look down!

[Hosida]

BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[A Simple Man]

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”