Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview, the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.

A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

[seesaw]

How to Make Love Like a Man

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

[seesaw]

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

· Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

· Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

· Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING
person in the world.

· Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

· Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Remember, Don't Drink and Drive! (you might spill it!)

[seesaw]

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH

· Yes = No
· No = Yes
· Maybe = No
· We need = I want
· I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
· We need to talk = I need to complain
· Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
· Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
· Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
· I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
· Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
· You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
· Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs
· You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
· Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
· It's up to you = The correct decision should be obvious by now
· You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
· I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
· How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

· I'm hungry = I'm hungry
· I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
· I'm tired = I'm tired
· Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
· I love you = Let's have sex now
· I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
· What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
· I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?
· May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
· Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
· You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes
· Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
· I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[bakylotus]

SMILES - GATE CRASHERS

It was at a party and the host was getting worried
because there were too many people and not enough
refreshments.

She was sure that not all these people were invited
but did not know how to tell which ones were the
crashers. Then the husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd and said, 'Will those who are
from the bride's side of the family stand up please?'
About twenty people stood up.

Then he asked, 'Will those of you who are from the
groom's side of the family stand up as well?'
About twenty five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, 'Will all those who stood up
please leave, this is a birthday party!'.

[bakylotus]

MAHARISHI PHUCKNUCKEL'S GUIDE TO ZEN


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and
leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before dawn. So
if you are going to steal your neighbour's milk and
newspaper, thats the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air, it only becomes really important
when you aren't getting any.

5. Don't aspire to become irreplacable. If you can't
be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening to you until you fart.

7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you are dead or
alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you are
a mile away and you have their shoes.

[Roman city]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”

[Roman city]

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says “I’ve got a Rolls Royce — keep it until the loan is paid off — here are the keys.” The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, “Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?”

The man answers, “I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?”

[Roman city]

When Ah Tan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the girls there and met the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 15 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother

[Roman city]

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the bar was Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg. After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him.Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up, he yelled, “What the hell was that for?” The director ranted, “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor; my dad perished in that bombing!” “I am not Japanese, you idiot! I am Chinese!” “Yeah, yeah,yeah…Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same”, retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat to the floor.

“What was that for?” exclaimed the director. “That’s for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!” the Chinese replied. “You ignorant man! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!” shouted the director. “Yeah, yeah, yeah…Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!”

[ilovelife.now]

Wife : Darling, I had a dream yesterday.
Husband: What is that?
W: That you bought me a new diamond necklace as a surprise gift. What does it mean?
H: Oh, then you have to wait till evening to find out.

Wife waited patiently till evening and as soon her husband came, she could barely conceal her excitement. He gave her a parcel which had a book - "Dreams and its meanings"

[Roman city]

In a shop one day…

Ah Lian: “Eh Ah Chek (Uncle), you got sell stocking up to knee?”

Ah Chek : “Pretty girl. You siao ah?! (You crazy?!) Stocking wear up to ‘yeo’ (waist) only, where got up to the ‘nee’ (breast) one.”

[Roman city]

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they are not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.

Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, “Wah lau!!!, How you know one?” The first Ah Lian reply smugly, “Easy lah.. G for Gero (Zero) mah…”

[Roman city]

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng’s colourful attire, his mind screamed, “Not this man!!”

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, “If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!”

“The words are “Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black”.

Ah Beng thought for a while and said “I heard the phone go green green (ring ring), and then I went to pink (pick) up the phone and said yellow (hello). Blue’s (Who’s) that? White (What) did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don’t purplely (purposely) disturb people and don’t call black (back), ok?”

Ah Beng got the job

[ilovelife.now]

Two dogs were at a veteniary clinic. The first dog asked the second one..
"Why are you here?"

"Well, I drunk from my master's bottle and shitted all over the carpet, peed on the car's seat, and finally bit off the baby's toe. So they are going to put me to sleep.. *sob*" cried the second one.

"Well, I too drunk from my master's bottle and she woke up and bent down to pick up the bottle. I loved her back and I put in her and did her there and then"

The shocked second dog said - "So, they are going to put you to sleep?" "No! My nails are going to be cut!" said the first one.