Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[EAGLE EYE]

Blue Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost
to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man a top City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

[EAGLE EYE]

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[EAGLE EYE]

Gay Family

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

[EAGLE EYE]

Liver and Cheese

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "

The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "

The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"

[beary]

An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for the weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see if any group might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were three women and they were glad to have him join them.

Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"

One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies and not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen again.

The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and her ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She immediately said "Oh shit!"

The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it seemed like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word that he was told he should not use.

The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball didn't hit the fucking tree!"

[beary]

One day this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen-year-old girl, who he did not know.

The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.

She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".

The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."

[beary]

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.


So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."

Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."

Snap! he was dead.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.

Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

[ah rat]

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK ....


In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter ...

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter:


"I'm here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) :


"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, madam.
Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired . . . .

[BaliHai]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

[boisong1]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh my, let me get a picture.” He beams and asks why, to which she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

[boisong1]

“That wife of mine is a liar.” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. “How do you know?” the friend asked. “She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.” “So?” the friend replied. “So, she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!”

[boisong1]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. “Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table.” So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?” “Much better!” she replies with a smile. “Okay, then,” he says, “now will you please pass the pussy.”

[boisong1]

Ralph hadn’t been on a date for quite some time, and knowing this, his good friend arranges a blind date for him. Having been stuck in a few bad blind dates in the past, Ralph is reluctant to accept the idea.

His friend assures him that he would call during the date so he would have an excuse to leave, in case things weren’t going well. So Ralph agrees to the arrangement and later in the week he meets his date at a restaurant for dinner.

After being with his blind date all evening, Ralph couldn’t handle another minute with her. Surely enough, his phone rings and he excuses himself from the table to answer it.

When he returns to the table, he lowers his eyes, puts on a grim expression and saids, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.” The blind date replies, “Thank heavens, if yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

[boisong1]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about it, but decided, she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school that afternoon, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman laughed about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

[Vond]

This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is.

"Give me a beer", said the guy.

"Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face?

"I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy.

The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey.

"Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before.

"I just found out my youngest son is gay too."

The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes.

"God doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?", asked the bartender.

The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!"