[kittymae]

It is rare that genuine feelings develop between 2 people on this forum. After all, this is an adult forum- a sex forum.
That Mr T and I found each other was nothing short of a work of destiny, fate, coincidence, whatever u called it.
At risk of turning this into a melodrama, here I go...

I'd hooked up with Mr T for a couple of weeks now.
Sure, we do have some things we may not agree on, but the first sign of the addiction to each other was when I got upset that T was still in touch with someone who had made use of and got stabbed in the back by. He was too soft-hearted I guess.
I didn't really reply a few of his texts. He admitted he was worried that I didn't want to see him again.

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But T would had some personal issues that prevented him from making the decision to be with me.
Happiness vs responsibility.

T had admitted to me, and to a friend he was happy during the times spent with me.
But,he also had responsibility to consider to his family

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We knew this wouldn't work out.
Unless T was have enough to choose happiness and to be with me.
In very different circumstances. We might have had a chance. We both believe that. And still do.

T asked to see me.
The ad premonition grew stronger.

"Why. Wat u want to all about?"

"Just wanna see u. Hug u"

My heart, sprung a hope I'd never felt before.
For through our time together, I'd never allowed myself to even hope.

We agreed to meet at 7pm. He'd pick me up from my place

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Seeing him, an indescribable wave of sadness washed over me.
I was more certain than ever that it would end the same night.
Yet we both acted as if it were any other meet up. Acted casual.

Having no destination in mind yet, T drove around, going with the flow of traffic.
He reached for my hand and held it.
And this way we remained, hand in hand, for most of our time that night.
Was it just me? Or was this symbolic of how we both were reluctant to let go (of each other)?

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T brought and shared with me certain places in his past during the drive.
And we also passed by certain nostalgic places in my past- my childhood to be exact.

Eventually, we landed up going to a cold storage and grabbing some food and deciding to have some sort of picnic at a nearby park.

As we ate in our temporal sanctuary, we struck up casual conversation, putting off the eventual somber one we would have later.
We finished up the food rather quickly, and T moved to sit beside me.
Or rather, he wanted me in his lap.
I obliged and shifted , and there we remained, holding each other just like that. Even took a picture together, one a friend said- but u both looked so happy together...
Who knows the emotional turmoil beneath?
We kissed from time to time.
It wasn't the usual kind when we made out or had sex.
This time, I,could feel the intense emotions behind it.

"What should we do?"
This question echoed through our minds more than once
But we were none the wiser even as we pulled ourselves apart to head back out to the real world.

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On the way back, we finally hit the more serious, somber topic.
T found that he needed to speak to his family to get some answers he needed to help make his decision.
From me, he already got his answer.
I admit that I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
His own happiness vs his responsibility.
A hypothetical question put to him: If something happened & he had only a year's time, which would he choose?
Happiness, was his reply.

The next question was, if things with his family didn't work out, would I still be there, waiting for T?

No.
Not because I didn't feel strongly enough about T, but neither did I want to be a safety net letting him assume this could decision could be made lightly cos I'd still be there.

T's next words made me cry inside, whilst I held back my real tears.

"I'll start over again"
"Start over?"
"I'll go after u again"

Even though we knew things and even both of us might hv changed thru this experience, I was moved.
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All too soon we reached my place.
T parked & for awhile we sat in the car simply just hugging as the tears I'd tried to hold back finally started to give way...

T suggested for us to take a long slow walk back to my place. We took a long detour trying to make sense of all this but to no avail.

We arrived at my doorstep.
Hugged awhile, a long while as I started to tear up again.
My legs felt weak. I sat on a step, T beside, wrapping his arms ard me as I did cry for real this time, with large drops of tears landing on his berms.
Would I never feel these arms around me again?

"Sorry, ur berms wet.."
"Nm, want me sing u a last song? U know which one right? Wet*3 (referring to the band whose song he'd sent me to listen to before.

I shook my head

"Just go"

T hesitated a bit before planting a kiss on my bent head.

"Take care. U'll be fine"

And he left.
That would be perhaps the last time id ever see him

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The T-times are over.
Although T didn't make the decision nor say it, I kinda knew his sense of duty would override his seeking his own interest, his own happiness.
I wouldn't have been his choice.

Neither would I ask him to choose me. He has to make the decision of his own accord.
Him alone holds the fate of the parties involved. A heavy responsibility indeed.

But before T gets flamed here, I'd say this- that it's also this sense of responsibility that I like. I embrace all of T with his past and even the present.
He lives his life simply- no fuss no frills.
Content with his job, enjoying the simple (he claims boring) activities he is interested in...
He brought colour into my world, and so much more

Now I'll probably hear a chorus of 'I told u so'
Maybe yeah I'd deserve it. But maybe when considering all things, T was like another Ian... There was something there but circumstances forced us apart. Circumstances that can't be changed unless T makes that tough call.
One is he reluctant to

Why is it guys always try to comfort girls by saying things like U'll find someone better, u deserve better etc?

In a girls mind it becomes only an excuse no matter how sincere it was.
Because the girl is hurting.
She feels she isn't good enough for the guy.
She only wants him.

Maybe it's my destiny- a solo destiny

So much to say but...
'Tears are the words the heart can't say'
Sometimes simple words can ever fully communicate the complexity of the heart

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If I never see u again
I'll think of u now and then
Tho it hurts so deeply

They say all good things come to an end...
U changed my life completely
I'm touched by your love