Friends or lovers?
 

Fellow bros, please help me sort out some relationship issues. Some background:

First, I'd like to discuss the difficult relationships I've had with girls (romantic/friends) over the course of my life. All of them had their ups and downs. But the last 3 in particular have hurt me the most. "My heart needs surgery" is the thought that just came to me.

1. The first relationship I had was what you could call "first love." A pure relationship that began early in secondary school, love at first sight. Lots of jittery nervousness and awkwardness. Very little skinship or physical contact, it was more about a feeling of emotional closeness. I was so happy at the time. But as I got to know her better, she was kinda hot and cold, push and pull. Eventually, we sort of just drifted apart. But later on, when she would see me, she'd start flirting again even though she had a BF at that time. Which to me felt toxic. Also, she would flirt with my friends whenever I was around them to try to make me feel jealous. So it left a bitter taste in my mouth, but my heart felt OK.

2. The second one began in my first year at uni with a girl that was in my class. We just started talking and it was super comfortable at first, because we had lot of similarities. Not really any romantic feelings, just chatting and joking around. But I did like her and wanted to spend more time with her. But I wasn't sure if she wanted to just be friends or be something more, so I had no idea how to approach the situation. I guess I was too hesitant to directly ask her, and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. In any case, she got a BF the next semester, so I decided to be safe and not get too close. I was not really heartbroken though, just felt a little awkward with her after that, so that was the end.

3. The shortest one lasting only a few weeks, but maybe the most painful. After graduating uni, for a long long time, I didn't have any close relationships with girls. But then, I met this really gorgeous girl, easily the hottest girl I've been with. Very cute, flirty, and good in bed as well. Looking back, it was mostly just a casual physical relationship. In my mind at the time, I was just thinking: OK, I will keep things light, just hook up with this girl a few times and then move on. Don't fall in love with her so fast. But I was too naive. The act of sex and physical contact (hugging, snuggling, etc.) created a strong emotional bond that I didn't realize until it was too late. Then one day, without ever telling me, she moved away. And just like that, my heart started to ache. My mind was telling me: "Move on, it was just a fling!" But it kept hurting and hurting. And for the first time in my life, I cried over a girl. I don't know why, but I guess I really liked her for some reason.

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

4. The messiest relationship ever. After the previous painful experience, I started sleeping around more often. Eventually became addicted to sex as a method to heal my broken heart. But the sex was never good, I didn't enjoy it at all, because the entire time I was just thinking about girl number 3. Eventually, I ended up seeing this girl that was recommended to me, "a working girl." She was a university student at the time who was making some extra money on the side to pay her tuition/living expenses. I was still heartbroken then, so I just said to myself, why not? I'll see her whatever. Big mistake. She was not at all what I had in mind. I went in thinking it was gonna be pay her and have sex, move on. Nope. She was an extremely nice and decent girl. Not the typical image I had of a prostitute or hooker. She was honest about her reasons for doing her job, and she said that she wanted to quit as soon as she graduated and got a normal job. Eventually, I started seeing her every weekend, and we didn't even have sex most of the time. Just talking, watching TikTok together, and sometimes just lying in bed chilling. She didn't want a BF/relationship at all. So I agreed, let's just be "friends with benefits." But I quickly realized that this relationship had started off on the wrong foot. I had been paying her for her time. So it was hard to distinguish if I was just her customer or her friend. So one day, I told her along the lines of: "You just want money, you don't actually like me." And left, only for her the next day to be sad and crying saying that I hurt her feelings. I felt bad, because it seemed she really was hurt. But it didn't fix a damn thing. The relationship had become too messy, and I left completely heartbroken. Part of me hoping to meet her again in a normal setting and start over maybe in a normal relationship. Part of me wishing to move on completely but not sure how.

5. The ongoing problem. I felt pretty lonely after all that, and I wanted to talk to some people. I was always interested in learning languages, so I signed up on the app HelloTalk, a language exchange app. Quickly, I started messaging a quite a few people. (learning Mandarin Chinese). Most people were nice, but some were kinda weird, but one day this girl messaged me, and we started chatting. And it was fun, I was learning Chinese and teaching her English. Eventually, we moved to Wechat (a Chinese chat app), because HelloTalk has tons of ads. So we started talking more often, usually about language with some personal chatting sprinkled in. Eventually, she started talking about her ex-BFs and how she was done with men. She only wanted to be friends with guys, but didn't want to date them. She wanted to be friends with me. Personally, I told her I wasn't sure if that was going to be possible since I knew so many male/female friendships that ended up getting messy.

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

So after hearing her stories, I decided to be up front with her and told her that we should be careful and stick to language exchange and not get too close/become friends. But it seemed she was a bit upset after I told her that. So now, I want to ask:

Am I wrong? Is it ok for me to be friends with this girl? OR am I right? It's hard for guys and girls to be friends, so to avoid an awkward/painful future, I should just keep my distance.

TLDR: got into some messy relationships, main question I have: should I try to be friends with this girl who wants to be my friend, or should I keep my distance?

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

It's good to see you are getting more experience over time. Each failed relationship builds towards a better foundation for the next.

But bro - you need to stop mindfucking yourself.

Relationships 3/4/5 unfortunately was down to your own volition.

#3 - This was purely sexual and by the sounds of it you really enjoyed it. Let's chalk this up as a win.

#4 - So this was paid companionship. But you made a big deal out of it by saying it was for the money. Was it? Of course it was! But why is that a big deal? Because she did not like you for who you are? For your character? Money is a big part of any relationship and this extends towards your marital partner as well. Money can't solve all problems but it can solve 80% of them.

#5 - Nothing has happened yet and you decided to kill the relationship before you have even met. This is abit silly no? How does keeping your distance help? You effectively determined the relationship was a "fail" with this decision without giving it a chance to let something happen. 1% of success is better than 100% of failure.

Sorry for sounding abit harsh. But I do think you are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overthinking things. Keep things light hearted and casual and don't read too much into individual actions and the correlation on what that has on you. Often we are not the target of such actions but our minds tells us otherwise and always assumes the worst in many cases.

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

Thanks bro. Actually I decided to just stay friends with #5 , because she just went through a bad breakup with her boyfriend and is not interested in dating right now. Still haven't completely given up on 3 or 4 yet, but like you said, maybe I'll try to take it easy for a while and see what happens. These girls were all fun at first at least.

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

As I am typing this, I feel like I am typing to myself too because most of what you have shared, I resonate with.

Firstly, like what the previous post said, stop overthinking too much and take things easy. Relationship should be fun and lighthearted at the start.

Secondly, No one should tell you who should be your partner or not but rather, ask yourself what do you want in your partner. You know yourself best and sometimes you just to have be real with yourself and ask "am I clinging to this girl because I like her or she fills up my loneliness"

Thirdly, sex can seem like a good coping mechanism for our hurts, but essentially we are still running away and not face them via talking to someone about it or therapy.

It is good that you are self aware, now you got to work on those events that scarred you.

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

Thanks for speaking your mind. You are right, I was just using these girls to escape loneliness. But I don't know yet if that is a bad thing? I think some of these girls are also a bit lonely, and also I think some of them were using me their own selfish purpose, but maybe I am ok with that. I am selfish too. I like spending time with them and bonding with them. As for the sex, I am trying not to sleep around with girls as much anymore

Re: Friends or lovers?
 

fuck already then say, dont need think so much