After 15 years...

[Vic134]

I knew my husband since I was 14. Become BF/GF at 18. My parents didn't like him so I left home at 21 to stay w him and his mom. Got married at 24 and a year later, had a baby girl who is 8 this year. Throughout the years, there was a lot of ups and down.

- he gambles and owe people big sum of money that we almost had to run
- he strays a couple of times but we got back together (i am no angel myself, did have 2 flings before we were married but end up together again)
- was unemployed most of the time so I had to support 'us'

After we got married, he had an affair with a PRC in 2007. It lasted about a year and he came back to the family whole fully.

Last year in Aug, started an affair again with another PRC. But this time, he has gone totally mad. The last affair, he maybe didn't come home for a night at the most but this one he wasn't coming home for 10 days. This PRC has given him about 100k and he had gamble it all away so he feels that he owes this PRC big time. I can see that first he was not so into her, as in I still come first. But after awhile, I can see that he is emotionally attached to her. Even if I am sick, he doesn't care.

Of course my fault was, I went crazy and hysterical when his relationship with her got serious. I am going through roller coaster of emotions and when I talk to him calmly, he will break down but still never go back to his senses. He said that he is no longer in love with me but he doesn't want a divorce. For me, I want to save this family because I do love him and for my daughter.

I am posting here because I just need an outlet. At the end of the day, if he really wants to go, I can't force him. I am jus disappointed with him. The husband that I know can fool around but at then end of the day, me and my daughter still come first. He has change.

I can't believe the person that I love most and dote most has the heart to betray me this way. I had lost 12kg in a month, had eyes infection from crying too much and my veins at my forehead are all starting to show, maybe I strain my face when I cry. The only thing he said that he will come back, he promise.

[Wizrd]

.

Sorry to hear this sis...

And maybe you do not need advice....but...

Nobody owns another person wholly...not even slaves...

From his pattern, he is unlikely to change. Of course, you are entitled to go for what you want out of life, but I think we often choose something purely out of sentimentality when we should be more practical.

In many of life choices, not choosing sensibly has a small price attached and we are usually able to live with the price...but in some...that price affects others as well as us, and in drastic amounts.

You are at a crossroad now and you have to choose....it is always a dilemma to choose between someone we love and someone who loves us...and in your case, your alternatives have not been listed...but you can choose to hang around or to leave...

Neither is more right or more wrong but you do have to live with your choice...

Shit happens in life but how we deal with them to make our lives...crying really doesn't solve anything nor help in any way...get the crying out of your system and make a decision...

There is no point thinking about the past and who did right and who did wrong...use the facts that you have today and choose what is best for you...frankly, when people tell me that they stay with someone for the kids, I do not get it...are the kids really better off in a cold and not-loving environment? Or are they just doing it to save face? Well, if face is more important than long term happiness, go for it...not for me though...

Sorry I can't help much...

Best of luck...



.

[Big Sexy]

lady, you should just dump that no good husband of yours.
he doesn't deserved you.


But after awhile, I can see that he is emotionally attached to her. Even if I am sick, he doesn't care.

He said that he is no longer in love with me but he doesn't want a divorce.

[darrendon]

Since over so many years, he still gambles and womanize without even feeling remorse, there is problem with his conscious.
And on top of that, he knows that you are aware of his actions and yet don't care about your feelings and your daughter.

I know decision is hard to make especially when you have already been through so much. But then living alone with your daughter is not a bad idea after all.

To him, there is nothing to lose since you are supporting him financially.
It is your daughter who will be affected by his action. And it will leave a deep mark in her bringing up.
A father is the first man whom your daughter meet and love. So she will treat her father as a role model and the father action will deeply influence her.

So you might want to seriously consider separation from him.
Sad to say but that's how life is.

[raftime68]

Sorry to hear and wat u have go through hard Ship. Yes i do agree what darrendon have said. u need to consider separation seriously, bec will affect your daughter future and u need to be strong and stand firm. for u not end the world and u got daughter with u. why not u focus on daughter rather than ur husband. if really he love his family , he have made firm decision, but never happen that way. so for now u have stand two leg and made firm decision, u have tell urself u r strong and u can do it. don waste your life for nothing. this is survival.

[sane]

Of course my fault was, I went crazy and hysterical when his relationship with her got serious. I am going through roller coaster of emotions and when I talk to him calmly, he will break down but still never go back to his senses. He said that he is no longer in love with me but he doesn't want a divorce. For me, I want to save this family because I do love him and for my daughter.

I can't believe the person that I love most and dote most has the heart to betray me this way. I had lost 12kg in a month, had eyes infection from crying too much and my veins at my forehead are all starting to show, maybe I strain my face when I cry. The only thing he said that he will come back, he promise.

Sorry to say this but he will eventually leave you once he found a better one or his prc gf got pregnant.

This happened to my friends, their husbands left them for the other woman despite clinging on hope for many yrs but fortunately, they divorced young and all are blissfully married now with kids.

For the sake of your daughter, get a hold of yourself before u get depression or severe mental breakdown.

Get help from your family and friends. find somebody to talk to, things to do.
u feel miserable because u still hinder hope on him. i would rather u give this junk husband of yours to the PRC. He is just a burden.

The sooner u decide to walk out, the faster ur heart will heal and able to start life afresh.

Treasure your youth.

[Summerhillt]

sorry to hear about your situation sis. don't cry stay strong.. but nowdays the society burden on single parent family is really huge.. if you moved out of your own family to stay with him means that you most likely wont turn back to your parents to cope with raising up your daughter..

i say upgrade yourself with courses get a stable job and just bear in mind that you have a daughter to rear thats all.. hope you can cope fine!!

[hamsapkwai]

短痛比长痛好 :cool:

[oshkosh]

Hi Ts

I emphatise with you on what you are going through now. Even though words cant fully describe the thousands of daggers piercing through your heart at all times of the day even when you are sleeping, try to be strong and avoid a mental breakdown.

People would most likely tell you that he is not worth it and you should give him up and move on in life. However, it is not so easy adhering to this advice. For now, just try to stay cool and go about your daily routine. try not to feel anything lest you cry.

There is an old cliche: " what dont kill you, makes you stronger."

Be stronger for yourself.

I sincerely hope you will be all right in time to come.

Cheers

[FallenLove]

I feel for u....Not able to give much advice n I dun think dats wat u wan neither. Good to pen it all down to "release" yr emotions (for me, I type away in my notepad n felt calmer). 2 things though:
U shouldn't think it yr fault for going hysterical coz dats a natural reaction n u did calm down to have a talk with him.
Dun force yrself to stay in a marriage becoz of yr kid. Many may say differently but I believe dat kids nowadays r v v smart - they wouldn't wan to b the reason their mum had to b stuck & suffering. For all u know, yr kid may be thinking y is it mum still putting up with this....man.
Lastly I'm sure u will b strong, a woman had to be after living thru all these. Go ahead and cry (there's worse when already hurt too much till can't even cry), but after all the release of emotions, start thinking for your path ahead with yr kid....

[HCKing]

Sorry to say this but he will eventually leave you once he found a better one or his prc gf got pregnant.

This happened to my friends, their husbands left them for the other woman despite clinging on hope for many yrs but fortunately, they divorced young and all are blissfully married now with kids.

For the sake of your daughter, get a hold of yourself before u get depression or severe mental breakdown.

Get help from your family and friends. find somebody to talk to, things to do.
u feel miserable because u still hinder hope on him. i would rather u give this junk husband of yours to the PRC. He is just a burden.

The sooner u decide to walk out, the faster ur heart will heal and able to start life afresh.

Treasure your youth.

Yup very true. In fact i think TS should seek advice from her parents, her parents are proven right with their judgement after all. Treasure your family members and beloved daughter more as they are the ones who will be there for u.

[wtf999]

Alot of ppl say this. Wanna womanize, dun get caught. After womanizing remember to go home I always like this saying from a friend. A person's life has alot of bus stops but only 1 interchange. Ur husband seems to think that the interchange moved. So why bother about him? Its only 1 bus. I rather u focus on ur kid more and find a better man. Ur husband is not worth ur time...

[Max77]

It depend what you want, If you want your husband's heart, you lose:

Bcoz u dunno how to keep a man's heart by letting him feel 'indebt' to you- like (most) prc girl whose very good at, winning man's heart over.

If not interested in winning him back then just change what you WANT lor.

Set target and work toward it no point dwelling too much about it.

(You must first determine WHAT you want first :P)

[wally888]

Move on....maybe u can find a more deserving man than your husband......

[Horchew]

We were born into this world alone,
We live alone, We die alone
Only through our Love & Friendship can we
create the illusion For The Moment that we're not alone

~Orson Welles~

[Vic134]

Thank you for all your advice and words.

I am glad to know that there are guys around who still treasure their wife despite what they do outside.

Women will hate me for saying this but although I feel that it is not right for man to play 'outside' but at least they still come home to their families and know their priority. That is the most important thing.

[Vic134]

Yup very true. In fact i think TS should seek advice from her parents, her parents are proven right with their judgement after all. Treasure your family members and beloved daughter more as they are the ones who will be there for u.

The sad part is when I called my mom, she said to me "that is your domestic problem, I can't help"

And up to date, she has not even called me once to ask me how I am coping. I guess I brought this upon myself.

I am just sucking in the pain and hurt and hopefully I will come out stronger after all these.

[sane]

Thank you for all your advice and words.

I am glad to know that there are guys around who still treasure their wife despite what they do outside.

Women will hate me for saying this but although I feel that it is not right for man to play 'outside' but at least they still come home to their families and know their priority. That is the most important thing.

Sorry to say that but i don't agree with u on that sentence because the cases that i've seen are unhappy stuck in their marriage for yrs and eventually ended up in divorce. I've read about housewives who live in an non existing marriage waiting just at home for their husband to bring back the dough. I've read about husbands who rather stay in the office OT than to go back and face their wives. Both parties suffer.

The sad part is when I called my mom, she said to me "that is your domestic problem, I can't help"

And up to date, she has not even called me once to ask me how I am coping. I guess I brought this upon myself.

I am just sucking in the pain and hurt and hopefully I will come out stronger after all these.

Ur man has too many problem, gambler, a sponge, a womaniser.
Despite that u have been there for him through storms, he still see u as somebody disposable.

My ex boss is a family man too, doting husband, successful who married a rich man's daughter, a elegant principal in a private school. He held her hand and walked in with her in almost every co function.

Lately all of us were so shocked that he announced that he had already divorced his wife of 20yrs and married a young prc because she is pregnant with their child.

I have no idea of how your life been all these yrs. Work, kid, husband spending most of your clearing his shit n fuss over him?
How about your own social life, your parents, friends?

Nobody is able to help u if u still refused to take the first step. Ur mum's reaction could be because she knows whatever she say will fall on deaf ears.
Ur r/s with your family seems strained, take time to rekindle ties with them.
How long u have not seen them?

Put on a pair of running shoes and start running, I swim whenever I feel vexed, it takes the stress out of my head. Join friends for a chill out session. Make new friends whatever it makes u happy. list down all the things u always want to do.
U have all the freedom to do whatever things that u want now .

When u start to live your own life and stop revolving your world around him, u feel less miserable and helpless.

Marriage is part but not whole of your life. U have every right to be happy and i m definitely sure that u will live a happier life without him.

live life to the fullest, u r ur own happiness. How many more 15years do u still have? U r still in your prime, treasure it.

[oldnewbie]

The sad part is when I called my mom, she said to me "that is your domestic problem, I can't help"

And up to date, she has not even called me once to ask me how I am coping. I guess I brought this upon myself.

I am just sucking in the pain and hurt and hopefully I will come out stronger after all these.

IMHO....
no point asking you parents...it is no longer their responsibility

...and.......some humble advice

YOU should seriously start thinking about what you are going to do for your and your daughter's future
Leave the man out of the equation and be independent, stop waiting for him
From your posts, i think it is beyond your control whether he will come back or not
Focus on what is within your power, not beyond you power

[sane]

the world will not stop revolving because of 1 person. life still goes on.

[HCKing]

The sad part is when I called my mom, she said to me "that is your domestic problem, I can't help"

And up to date, she has not even called me once to ask me how I am coping. I guess I brought this upon myself.

I am just sucking in the pain and hurt and hopefully I will come out stronger after all these.

u yrself gotta take the 1st step to rebuild their faith in u again. can also see professional counsellors for their advice. if u wish to come out stronger u gotta start taking positive actions to change yr current life. indulge in self pity is not gonna change anything.

[HCKing]

Sorry to say that but i don't agree with u on that sentence because the cases that i've seen are unhappy stuck in their marriage for yrs and eventually ended up in divorce. I've read about housewives who live in an non existing marriage waiting just at home for their husband to bring back the dough. I've read about husbands who rather stay in the office OT than to go back and face their wives. Both parties suffer.



Ur man has too many problem, gambler, a sponge, a womaniser.
Despite that u have been there for him through storms, he still see u as somebody disposable.

My ex boss is a family man too, doting husband, successful who married a rich man's daughter, a elegant principal in a private school. He held her hand and walked in with her in almost every co function.

Lately all of us were so shocked that he announced that he had already divorced his wife of 20yrs and married a young prc because she is pregnant with their child.

I have no idea of how your life been all these yrs. Work, kid, husband spending most of your clearing his shit n fuss over him?
How about your own social life, your parents, friends?

Nobody is able to help u if u still refused to take the first step. Ur mum's reaction could be because she knows whatever she say will fall on deaf ears.
Ur r/s with your family seems strained, take time to rekindle ties with them.
How long u have not seen them?

Put on a pair of running shoes and start running, I swim whenever I feel vexed, it takes the stress out of my head. Join friends for a chill out session. Make new friends whatever it makes u happy. list down all the things u always want to do.
U have all the freedom to do whatever things that u want now .

When u start to live your own life and stop revolving your world around him, u feel less miserable and helpless.

Marriage is part but not whole of your life. U have every right to be happy and i m definitely sure that u will live a happier life without him.

live life to the fullest, u r ur own happiness. How many more 15years do u still have? U r still in your prime, treasure it.

wat TS failed to see is his man has been exploiting her love for him over the years. he knows TS's weakness which is y doesnt give a fark abt whatever he has done as he believes TS will never be able to let go of him.

this time, TS, prove him wrong.

[sane]

[QUOTE=HCKing;8851997]wat TS failed to see is his man has been exploiting her love for him over the years. he knows TS's weakness which is y doesnt give a fark abt whatever he has done as he believes TS will never be able to let go of him.

this time, TS, prove him wrong.

TS might need to evaluate on what she really loves him in, the hurt n pain that he inflicted on her, the troubles n he never even contribute to the household.

Is it love or just blindly clinging on the past memories? I have friends who cling on lousy relationships just because they r clueless about their life.

They just channel their $, time and energy into someone who doesn't deserve them and they dont even mind to be treated like shit.

There's this friend with a bf who hurled abuse at her, threw pillow at her when he's drunk and even ditched her for his ex but she will still stick with him. I really couldn't understand y but she belongs to the type who complain about everything but refused to make changes, lack of determination n willpower.

[HCKing]

[QUOTE=HCKing;8851934]


TS might need to evaluate on what she really loves him in, the hurt n pain that he inflicted on her, the troubles n he never even contribute to the household.

Is it love or just blindly clinging on the past memories? I have friends who cling on lousy relationships just because they r clueless about their life.

They just channel their $, time and energy into someone who doesn't deserve them and they dont even mind to be treated like shit.

There's this friend with a bf who hurled abuse at her, threw pillow at her when he's drunk and even ditched her for his ex but she will still stick with him. I really couldn't understand y but she belongs to the type who complain about everything but refused to make changes, lack of determination n willpower.

most of the time when ya good to someone, u expect the same treatment in return. but in reality that's not always the case. some can understand the value of give and take, while some simply take advantage of it. if yr friend is unable to think rationally and face the cold hard reality then bo bian consider it her fate or karma bah.

[sane]

[QUOTE=sane;8852940]

most of the time when ya good to someone, u expect the same treatment in return. but in reality that's not always the case. some can understand the value of give and take, while some simply take advantage of it. if yr friend is unable to think rationally and face the cold hard reality then bo bian consider it her fate or karma bah.

Somehow she can take in the idea of the ex take the "morning" shift while she take over the ＂night＂shift n even rotate.

I tried to keep her accompany and encourage her to walk out. After a while, it gets really disappointing and tiring when everything fall on deaf ears.

Nowadays we seldom contact too, even if we did, i dont bother to hear her rant too cause it is a waste of my time. :rolleyes:

[HCKing]

[QUOTE=HCKing;8856065]

Somehow she can take in the idea of the ex take the "morning" shift while she take over the ＂night＂shift n even rotate.

I tried to keep her accompany and encourage her to walk out. After a while, it gets really disappointing and tiring when everything fall on deaf ears.

Nowadays we seldom contact too, even if we did, i dont bother to hear her rant too cause it is a waste of my time. :rolleyes:

hehe better not hear too much of these sob stories not healthy for ya mind. :p

one reason y yr friend doesnt want it out could be due to insecurity and fear of being alone again. which i think the same goes for TS, since she said she was oredi with him since sec sch. being together for some long, even if it's nightmare one would have gotten used to it and becomes change-resistant. there's also the risk of living under the illusion that the other party "needs" her as much as she needs him.

best is to go for professional counselling and see how the pro can assist.

[sane]

hehe better not hear too much of these sob stories not healthy for ya mind. :p

one reason y yr friend doesnt want it out could be due to insecurity and fear of being alone again. which i think the same goes for TS, since she said she was oredi with him since sec sch. being together for some long, even if it's nightmare one would have gotten used to it and becomes change-resistant. there's also the risk of living under the illusion that the other party "needs" her as much as she needs him.

best is to go for professional counselling and see how the pro can assist.

True, she really belongs to "change resistance" or "cant be bothered" type and tend to give up without trying. Her hairstyle and dressing (tshirt, bermudas) remain the same all these years, wearing the same to work, town and at home.

The same goes to her job, her weight, complaining about low salary but reluctant to change a new environment, doesn't even make the effort to find a job, ask me to accompany her to workout but after a few times, she will always be "busy".

Her bf is jobless so she provides him 3 meals and always make me wait while she deliver his meal taking cab. She really serve him like a king and don't mind being treated like a maid. Not interested to meet other friends too. I tried to include her in my social group but it kinda like freak her out.

I have friends who is like that too, always complaining but doesn't make effort to make changes just like those in the older generation while time flies in a wink of eyes.

Its like work(same job), home, weekend go to same place, nothing interesting, no excitement in life. The idea really freak me out.

The world is so vast n fun. There's so many things to do, so many places yet to travel. Life is so short to shortchange yourself.

Hence i make it a point to make each day counts and learn not to rely on others for happiness n I find it really enjoyable to enjoy my own "accompany", sip coffee and read coffee in peace, haircut, facial, massage, pedi/mani, workout and even shopping, just enjoy to spend time alone to do my own stuff.

To the extend that my therapist know that I like silent and they do their stuff without too much conversation.

[sane]

http://img5.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/17587/1758782758e1d21b280612e5029a86fcbb929352.jpg

[jasdude]

Moral of the story is not to seek out a relationship when you are desperately lonely but not ready for a relationship.

[Rickey]

the world will not stop revolving because of 1 person. life still goes on.
Yes, sis sane is correct to say "life still goes on"....but it is said, the world will end 1 day...jus tat we do not know when....until tat day comes when all problems end, it will be biz as usual...

http://img5.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/17587/1758782758e1d21b280612e5029a86fcbb929352.jpg
Tks for the poster sis...How scary, isn't it...u can't even find ur own shadow...Yes, afraid in tis world we r living, it's best you depend on no one but urself...like it or not, it's a fact of life we hv to learn to accept n live wif....DIY i.e. doing everything ourselves...how sad isn't it... we hv to try to be independent n do the best for ourselves by ourselves...if we can find tat rare good fren to help, it's a bonus !!.. we shd treasure tat person for life !...anyway in our twilight yrs, we will find tat most likely, we will all be alone by ourselves wif no frens around us...sigh :(

[sane]

Tks for the poster sis...How scary, isn't it...u can't even find ur own shadow...Yes, afraid in tis world we r living, it's best you depend on no one but urself...like it or not, it's a fact of life we hv to learn to accept n live wif....DIY i.e. doing everything ourselves...how sad isn't it... we hv to try to be independent n do the best for ourselves by ourselves...if we can find tat rare good fren to help, it's a bonus !!.. we shd treasure tat person for life !...anyway in our twilight yrs, we will find tat most likely, we will all be alone by ourselves wif no frens around us...sigh :(


bro, i never think that far, the most impt is to stay happy and make each day counts.

http://img6.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/17591/1759132149b4c85e72a6c043daa28a8f368ee812.jpg

N i find it enjoyable to be alone and enjoy the peace and silence even if its just for a few mins. Search for the peace and to find out and know who we really are and what we want in life.

[Castrol]

This PRC has given him about 100k and he had gamble it all away so he feels that he owes this PRC big time.


100k boy... and he didnt even buy you a hermes or something? :(

[sunhuan-con]

Letting go is making u happy and free.