Would you stay in this weird marriage?

[lemontee]

i would like to share a story of a colleague's weird marriage life. (Well, i personally thought its rather peculiar, not sure if its a common scenario among married couples ;) )

Recently a married female colleague joined my male-dominated company and we quickly become good friends as there are not many females around. We regularly went shopping, manicures, spas and short shopping trips to malaysia. One day i got curious and asked her " Hey R...dont you have to accompany your husband? How come you can go anywhere so freely and as and when you like, like a single lady?" I have quite a number of friends but when they got married their life was centered on kids-husband-kids-husband. Hence, when i got to know R i was intrigued. She is married but acts like a single. Here is her story

She and her husband were uni sweet hearts. They dated for many many years before settling down. Went through the normal singapore way. Ring-proposal-BTO-swanky hotel wedding dinner. Before the marriage she was deeply deeply in love with him. And he to her as well. (Well, i probed about the sex part :D and yes, its normal...like any couple.) The house was ready....they moved in... do the decorating blah blah blah. Sex, again was normal. However, she said somehow she felt he wasnt into it as intense as before the marriage. She dismissed it as probably work stress. The bombshell came a year later.

She discovered naked pics of a woman and lewd messages in his handphone . She confronted him and he admitted an affair. In her own words she said to me "My world become a blur, I felt a part of me died....." She was depressed and suicidal for a few months until her close friends supported and console her. A year later she was completely healed mentally but the part which she said had died never revived. The part that died was her ability to love someone else again.

She asked for a divorce. But apparently her husband refused and did many things for her in order to revive the marriage. She said she was very touched at his efforts but some things can never be revived again. A part of her did not want to divorce--- She couldnt place her finger why either. But she is sure its not because of love for him. In recent years they started to sleep separately (even though if they sleep together there is no sex anymore). He does not restrict her movements and vice versa. Yet, they watch shows together, laugh and eat together. She said if he were to have affairs outside she would not mind anymore cos she understands men have their needs. Her husband cooks, do the housework, pays for every bill....He remains caring, considerate till today... and she have all the freedom to do whatever she wants.

It seems like her husband has become a doting brother.... :eek:
Initially i felt very sad for her that her marriage has been reduced to such a state. However the more i get to know her the more i realised...that she is one of the most happiest person i have ever known.

I read somewhere before " A person with no emotional baggage... is one happy person" I wonder... if its the case with my friend.

So, iam curious... would you (esp to all the sisters here) stay in this kind of arrangement?

Happy Chinese New Year to all!!! ;)

[dickster_99]

I have a sister too. If my sister is like your friend, I would advise her to leave the man for a better one.

Though it takes time to heal the wounds, somehow she will meet someone that deserves her love.

[Brainstorm]

If loving him again or divorcing him seemed like both impossibilities, the current arrangement now might be the best temporary solution. You didn't mention how old she is. If she is under 30, ask her to think for her long term happiness and leave him.

Your girlfriend might be waiting for a better man to come along before she leaves him. A lot of ladies cannot imagine going back to live with her parents if she were to get divorced. Her husband might be agreeable to this current arrangement because it stops her from divorcing him immediately and give him time to slowly win her heart back. Has he stopped having flings outside?

Maybe both of them are waiting till they turn 35 (when they can buy a HDB as a single). TS, you are a lady right?

[piggylin]

I feel that she should leave him for good... Because I don't see a point staying in this marriage anymore.. Maybe ur friend just needed some time to heal too.. Maybe after a while the love might come back again.. Well.. We will never know what will happen .. Wish her all the best..

[LimAhHuat]

Leave him..........

[stillgottheblue]

Some women has got no desire for sex at all. This arrangement may be good for her if she is one of those type.

[LoverSon]

All love are intense at the starting..

But, ALL love will also die one day, maybe some couple managed to stay afloat, but will become mundane.

IMO, If you female friend enjoys her free-flow lifestyle and does not have any desire for sex, than so be it.

At least her husband is responsible enough to pay the bills and fulfill his role.

[wayne23416]

Bro Lemontree,

After reading your peculiar story, I can't help but think of some psychotic movie where like something tragic happens in the family and the wife just seems devastated at first but gradually she smiles in a different way and hums to herself and slowly goes crazy...

But in all honesty, I think I see that trend in most chinese families..I've seen it in mine and others..husbands cheat, wife wants divorce but husband says no cuz save face then the relationship turns weird...like friends with benefits or maybe like your friend's...I find that people who divorce r the ones with the must guts cuz they have to face up and answer to every single person in the family...which i find in this society is hard..but if say a lady is a divorcee, would u guys consider dating her although she has no kids?

[BiRd13]

Not sure if it's common... But I do have a few couples whom are my friends that behave in such way... Similar to your colleague/friend...

1st Case:
He and She have been together for more than 8yrs, before settling down. Before settling down, they both had a 'weird' agreement. Why weird? One of their agreement said that He and She can both have affair outside, but DISCREET & SAFETY is a must. Also, they CANNOT bring home their partner/affair...

They are both happily married till now which is about 10yrs of marriage already and they enjoy childless marriage...

2nd Case:
He and She have been married for about 9yrs. They both had 2 kids of age 5 and 3 respectively... 4yrs ago after the 1st child was born, He had an affair... However, She decide to forgive him and continue their marriage life... Reason:

1) He comes home daily after work to accompany the family for dinner, gathering etc....
2) He still support the family by paying for all necessary expenses that may incurred
3) Sat & Sun & PH will confirm be with family as well.
4) He still have his affair outside but only during working time :)

[Orchinno]

Yes, I will stay in such a marriage unless her goals in life changes, ie want kids..

This forum is for all the highly sexed people out there.. or otherwise you'll not be coming to this forum in the first place (?except curiosity).

Man and woman evolve very differently. Man thinks with their dicks. Woman thinks about their status in the social hierarchy. Maybe she has low sex drive or opprobrium over certain sex acts, so her husband is satisfying his own needs without threatening her social status by keeping it discreet.

And trotting out the old saw about marriage is more than sex. From the sound of the way the TS put it, her physical needs are all met and her husband is already providing her emotional and financial needs, then why get hangup over this strange thing about monogamy in marriage?

The loser is the other woman unless all the other woman is sex (which imho, very rare).

[newyorker88]

sorry double post, deleted liao

[newyorker88]

Not sure if it's common... But I do have a few couples whom are my friends that behave in such way... Similar to your colleague/friend...

1st Case:
He and She have been together for more than 8yrs, before settling down. Before settling down, they both had a 'weird' agreement. Why weird? One of their agreement said that He and She can both have affair outside, but DISCREET & SAFETY is a must. Also, they CANNOT bring home their partner/affair...

They are both happily married till now which is about 10yrs of marriage already and they enjoy childless marriage...

2nd Case:
He and She have been married for about 9yrs. They both had 2 kids of age 5 and 3 respectively... 4yrs ago after the 1st child was born, He had an affair... However, She decide to forgive him and continue their marriage life... Reason:

1) He comes home daily after work to accompany the family for dinner, gathering etc....
2) He still support the family by paying for all necessary expenses that may incurred
3) Sat & Sun & PH will confirm be with family as well.
4) He still have his affair outside but only during working time
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If both party sees no problems staying together like that, whats the big deal?

In Indo, there is a saying

" husband not at home is not your husband"

" only when your husband is dead, then you have a husband"

The 2 cases u mention is not strange or werid, just that they have an understanding with each other. They may want something out of this marriage, other than sex, and they have their own life that they wish to lead as well.

Things may change in the future for them, more likely in the first case you mentioned.

As for the 2nd case, the woman may ultimately be the biggest winner, as she cares for the children and if anything goes wrong with the hubby, she stand to gain everything in the house.

[BiRd13]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If both party sees no problems staying together like that, whats the big deal?

In Indo, there is a saying

" husband not at home is not your husband"

" only when your husband is dead, then you have a husband"

The 2 cases u mention is not strange or werid, just that they have an understanding with each other. They may want something out of this marriage, other than sex, and they have their own life that they wish to lead as well.

Things may change in the future for them, more likely in the first case you mentioned.

As for the 2nd case, the woman may ultimately be the biggest winner, as she cares for the children and if anything goes wrong with the hubby, she stand to gain everything in the house.

Yeah... I do agreed... But again, this is quite uncommon in a marriage ba... SO to most, may think it's 'weird' :)

[gingkonut]

Actually I wonder why is there a question mark over such arrangement when there are so many of such couple around! I look at the list of friends, sugar babe hopefuls, F Bs past and present... There is a good 10-15% who are in *less marriage and eating outside.

Some times it's due to finances, or could be kids, reputation, parents' backlash n disappointment... Or even habitual routine that the gal just remains resistant to take the step of drastic change.

[wakloun]

hi...

men will always be men... and the most important thing the husband still carry on with his responsibilities.... he doesn't commit murder nor rob a bank.

most of us husbands tends to have flings, fb etc.... which is better than going geylang for shortime. all this flings, fb etc... will fade away eventually when the husband realise or perhaps got caught by wife. it doesn't stay or last long.

women will always be women... once bitten twice shy
divorce is not solution unless husband neglected his responsibility or perhaps left home.

seek marriage counsellor, friend that couple trust, family members or go talk to each other to resolve the problem.

lastly, before making any decision think of the kids upbringing...

hope it helps...

aLoun
whatever past is history!!!! we can't playback
look forward that what we gonna face next

[lemontee]

Thanks to all replies. Once I told my gf "Leave your husband lah....Find a better man lah...There are so many out there, surely there will be one that suits u right?" But she wont leave him as she is so comfortable with him already and he takes good care of her.

In her opinion, the starting stage in every r/s is always sweet, however, it will slowly wanes. And even if she did leave him and find another nice man the odds of the other man who could still be so caring after the love has waned is very low. Granted that there is no more love...but the statement "you can't live on love alone" rang so true.

How many of us will still be so caring toward a person you used to love? ;)

[BiRd13]

Thanks to all replies. Once I told my gf "Leave your husband lah....Find a better man lah...There are so many out there, surely there will be one that suits u right?" But she wont leave him as she is so comfortable with him already and he takes good care of her.

In her opinion, the starting stage in every r/s is always sweet, however, it will slowly wanes. And even if she did leave him and find another nice man the odds of the other man who could still be so caring after the love has waned is very low. Granted that there is no more love...but the statement "you can't live on love alone" rang so true.

How many of us will still be so caring toward a person you used to love? ;)

I think most men (including myself) will still be caring towards our other half. Again, caring doesn't mean won't flirt or have affair ba... For ladies, I think most will want their partner to be loving, and caring... Sometimes even they know their other half is having affair outside, some will open one eyes, close one eyes, especially long period together down the marriage life...

[Orchinno]

Hehe
I hear the disconnect here

This is probably the one single biggest point why singapore women don't marry singapore man, "Expectations"

Define "caring" and you will probably find that man thinks differently from woman what constitute caring (in its many dimensions). And worse, I suspect that there's also a communication breakdown. The woman isn't telling the man what she meant by caring & the man is not telling the woman what he thinks caring is

Every person always starts from his/her viewpoint & we always think about ourselves first & why we are wronged by the other person. So, "caring" become a stick to beat the person over the head with

[Orchinno]

Eg. Woman thinks "If you care about me, you will not be having a fling outside. It hurts me emotionally and you don't have a care for my feelings."

Man thinks "If you care about me, you will want to make me happy by boinking 7 times a day. It hurts me emotionally to be rejected in bed and kept at arms length except one a month."

See?

So sad to say, modern marriage is a constant negotiation with the other partner and it is pretty exhausting :eek: Imagine negotiating with you boss every day on something that you are emotionally invested it (pay, status, power, whatever else that turns you on). No wonder the divorce rates are high.


How many of us will still be so caring toward a person you used to love? ;)

[justdifferent]

i would like to share a story of a colleague's weird marriage life. (Well, i personally thought its rather peculiar, not sure if its a common scenario among married couples ;) )

Recently a married female colleague joined my male-dominated company and we quickly become good friends as there are not many females around. We regularly went shopping, manicures, spas and short shopping trips to malaysia. One day i got curious and asked her " Hey R...dont you have to accompany your husband? How come you can go anywhere so freely and as and when you like, like a single lady?" I have quite a number of friends but when they got married their life was centered on kids-husband-kids-husband. Hence, when i got to know R i was intrigued. She is married but acts like a single. Here is her story

She and her husband were uni sweet hearts. They dated for many many years before settling down. Went through the normal singapore way. Ring-proposal-BTO-swanky hotel wedding dinner. Before the marriage she was deeply deeply in love with him. And he to her as well. (Well, i probed about the sex part :D and yes, its normal...like any couple.) The house was ready....they moved in... do the decorating blah blah blah. Sex, again was normal. However, she said somehow she felt he wasnt into it as intense as before the marriage. She dismissed it as probably work stress. The bombshell came a year later.

She discovered naked pics of a woman and lewd messages in his handphone . She confronted him and he admitted an affair. In her own words she said to me "My world become a blur, I felt a part of me died....." She was depressed and suicidal for a few months until her close friends supported and console her. A year later she was completely healed mentally but the part which she said had died never revived. The part that died was her ability to love someone else again.

She asked for a divorce. But apparently her husband refused and did many things for her in order to revive the marriage. She said she was very touched at his efforts but some things can never be revived again. A part of her did not want to divorce--- She couldnt place her finger why either. But she is sure its not because of love for him. In recent years they started to sleep separately (even though if they sleep together there is no sex anymore). He does not restrict her movements and vice versa. Yet, they watch shows together, laugh and eat together. She said if he were to have affairs outside she would not mind anymore cos she understands men have their needs. Her husband cooks, do the housework, pays for every bill....He remains caring, considerate till today... and she have all the freedom to do whatever she wants.

It seems like her husband has become a doting brother.... :eek:
Initially i felt very sad for her that her marriage has been reduced to such a state. However the more i get to know her the more i realised...that she is one of the most happiest person i have ever known.

I read somewhere before " A person with no emotional baggage... is one happy person" I wonder... if its the case with my friend.

So, iam curious... would you (esp to all the sisters here) stay in this kind of arrangement?

Happy Chinese New Year to all!!! ;)

do you sincerely think that this sort of marriage is weird?

have you taken a look around in singapore? when you put it this way, yes it might seem a little out of the norm. but in actual fact, most of the local marriages, after a few years have lost the love and intimacy and has become nothing but responsibility, care and concern for the family.

comparing this scenario to what is happening out there, the husband in question is actually not a complete asshole because in some twisted way, he does love and care for her. not the way a husband should to a wife, but more like a brother. it is definitely better than people who just abandon the marriage entirely because it is not as amazing as it once was. i know people who are in relationships like that, and what i would say is that it is more common than you think.

the best way to describe it would be that he is like a brother to her, but more than that, and yet less than a lover.

[woohooo]

All I can say is... it is probably more common than you think... it is not easy to make a marriage work...