My crazy lifestyle & the price I paid for it

[kristin18]

First of all, this is not a fictional story. This is a true story from a girl in her (very) early 20s who has experienced what most girls might not have experienced & would not wish to experience in their entire lifetime. Though sex makes up much of this story, it is not the crux of the story so please forgive me if I cannot vividly describe the details of my sexual encounters. I just want to relate my experience to the men who've never lived a day in my life & to the ladies whom I hope will never go through what I went through as well. Certain parts of the story might not be explained in such great detail to protect my identity, but I will share as much as I can.

--

Why I Did It
I'd just gotten out of a physically & emotionally abusive relationship. It was a painful break up because this was a man I loved with all my heart...

(To be continued, no space to type more)

[tipster123]

Lets hear it sister!:D

[kohwj]

pitching tent here!

[gongkia79]

Up for your story Kristin.
Love hearing from a female perspective.

[Coffeecans]

Go for it!

Takes cup of coffee and sits.

[luvuass]

Another lady writer, I luv true stories. pls continue

[Cherrygen]

Hug hugs gal ! Support u (: stay strong!

[JackieTan]

Supporting you

[Max77]

Another lady writer, I luv true stories..

me too, female story writer for the win!

[BMW69]

Sounds sad. But camper reporting.

[bombshell]

waiting for the curtains to be lift.:)

[owl888]

Waiting patiently for sis coz she's under moderation and post will take some time to appear! :)

[LovePotion]

must have patient to wait for good stuff... haha

[kristin18]

I gave him my all & made him my world. But somewhere along the course of the relationship, the love between us faded. The differences made us quarrel more frequently than ever & gradually our flaws started to make us hate each other. It was amazing how we could love & hate each other at the same time, hence the only solution was to go our separate ways. It was a painful break up. I was a fucking mess, to say the least. I lost all hope & faith in love. I decided that I didn't wanna get into a committed relationship ever again because I could not stand the pain of breaking up. So I started this crazy lifestyle. This crazy, self-destructive lifestyle.

What I did
I became a crazy party animal. Sounds quite harmless, right? That was what I thought too. I couldn't see what was wrong in seeking consolation in booze & liquor. I loved the feeling of getting high. It numbed me from the pain.

[Uptown]

Stay strong ya!

[alan0338]

camp here ... :D

[francined69]

camping here too!

[gotnotime]

My gut feeling tells me it's gonna be a very intensely emotional story, but nonetheless, please carry on! ;)

[S|B3HSI@N]

I gave him my all & made him my world. But somewhere along the course of the relationship, the love between us faded. The differences made us quarrel more frequently than ever & gradually our flaws started to make us hate each other. It was amazing how we could love & hate each other at the same time, hence the only solution was to go our separate ways. It was a painful break up. I was a fucking mess, to say the least. I lost all hope & faith in love. I decided that I didn't wanna get into a committed relationship ever again because I could not stand the pain of breaking up. So I started this crazy lifestyle. This crazy, self-destructive lifestyle.

What I did
I became a crazy party animal. Sounds quite harmless, right? That was what I thought too. I couldn't see what was wrong in seeking consolation in booze & liquor. I loved the feeling of getting high. It numbed me from the pain.

Oh, sorry to hear about this girl, but frankly these are generally where grave mistakes are made in life when u tend to give it all up and sought solace and consolation from alcohol or drugs... the physical damage on top of the emotional can be really damaging and unforeseeable. Hope that you have risen and recovered from all these issues and got yourself back together.

[kristin18]

At times when I got drunk, I would break down in the clubs because I couldn't control my emotions, but for the most part, I liked how the alcohol numbed my emotions together with my senses. Partying became an addiction, but at that moment it seemed harmless.

I loved the attention I was getting from the men even though I wasn't the most attractive lady in the clubs. I met all kinds of men -- good looking ones, average ones, & some filthy rich ones. But guys being guys, they were obviously only after one thing: sex. & for some strange reason, I felt flattered that they wanted to sleep with me. It meant that I was attractive enough to them, & that made me feel good.

I partied really hard, & got drunk every other day. Dealing with unbearable hangovers was the least of my concerns, all I wanted to do was party my life (& youth) away. Sex came into the picture, inevitably. I started to become the female version of a "womanizer". & why not? After all I had all the freedom in the world.

[Dansan]

Hi , to my thinking is. Do you think he really hate you? Don't know how long you both been together. Is fate that bring both together. Why not try any way to settle it. Everything open talk and find a way to settle rather then drinking . High might cost a price . When thing happen then is it good for you? Think teice! In mo position to say anything . Just my Own point of view. If worth to treasure then hold on to it . If not may had chance of regret!

[flowbow]

Camping :)

[kristin18]

The guys I slept with were mostly decent looking at least, but my interest in them didn't last. I would meet a guy whom I found attractive & flirt with him for a bit, exchange numbers & get to know him a little better, & by the second or third meet up I would end up in bed with him.

The sex wasn't great all the time. Most of the time, I would be too drunk to enjoy, in spite of the physical attraction. Perhaps I was lonely & needed the company of a man, which was why I craved the attention from them so much. Perhaps it was lust on my part as well, because they were all either good looking or charismatic in their own ways. In any case, I saw nothing wrong in what I was doing since it seemed like mutual gratification to me -- while they provided me with the company I needed to fill the emotional void in me (albeit only temporarily), I fulfilled them physically. They were like fuck buddies to me, except that each one only lasted for a month or two before I would "change target".

[Iloveschgirls]

Reminded me of someone.. Support!

[smoothfreeze]

interesting. keep on writing..

[kristin18]

Most of the time, there was no protection used. I now understand the stupidity in that (& thankfully, it's not too late) but back then the thought of having to go through the trouble of buying condoms in our drunken state before checking in to the hotels put us off greatly. Don't ask me why the men didn't seem to mind not using protection though, because I have no idea either.

Because protection was hardly used, getting pregnant was my number one fear, apart from catching any sex disease (& like I previously mentioned, thankfully I am still clear of all diseases up till today). So I misused the emergency contraception pill, otherwise known as the morning after pill. I took it once every two months which definitely wasn't healthy for my hormone levels. But I didn't care. I just couldn't get myself pregnant. The consequences would have been dire.

The Men I Slept With
None of them are particularly worth mentioning, except for one, whom I shall call A.

[highlysex]

thank you for for story pls keep cumming :)

[kristin18]

A was sexy. He didn't have a hot body -- in fact he was a bit too skinny for my liking -- but he had really nice features. I loved his eyes most. Everytime we made eye contact, my heart skipped a beat. Most of all, he was 35 but he surely didn't look his age. His mannerisms, behaviour, the way he spoke..... He was mature yet playful at the same time. Needless to say, I was very attracted to him.

A was different from the rest. I wasn't too sexually attracted to him initially. I just liked being around him. I never thought of sleeping with him & I was positive he didn't feel that way about me too. He was always around hot girls, & I definitely wasn't as hot & sexy as the girls around him. We just enjoyed partying together.

But as time passed & as we spent more time together, I realized that I was starting to develop feelings on a deeper level for him. Both emotionally & physically. I started to want him. & it felt like a dangerous feeling. I didn't feel comfortable about it at all.

[kristin18]

At that point when I knew that the feelings were growing exponentially, I tried to distract myself by getting involved with another guy, a married man. I liked this married man, but not enough to distance myself from A. & before I knew it, I'd fallen too deep.

We met almost everyday, but most of the time we met at the club. Gradually our relationship progressed & we started going for regular suppers after clubbing. It took awhile for him to open up to me but he finally did. He revealed to me that he had a girlfriend but he didn't tell me much about her, except that their relationship was not a stable one. To say I was disappointed would be a lie, but I knew I'd fallen too deep by then. We started to grow much closer over the next one month, & after awhile I stopped resisting & caved in to my feelings.

Over the next one month, we were exactly like a couple. We were like new lovebirds, except without the status. I knew I was in love, & I knew I was in trouble. Big, big trouble. But things weren't that bad yet, because we weren't physically involved with each other yet.

But finally...... The unavoidable day came.

The day where we had sex together, for the first time.

[4am'rs]

Another true story, thank you for sharing your love, lust and life stories to us. ;) Subscribing to your thread. :D

[kristin18]

It was 7am on a Saturday morning. It had been a really long day, from waking up early in the morning for work, to heading out to party with A & friends. The group of us drank so much & I was feeling giddy from all that alcohol. A & I had just finished supper, which had become the usual practice for us by now. We walked out to the bus stop by the main road, where we would usually go home on two separate cabs since we didn't live near each other. That day was different, though.

We sat somewhere near the bus stop just chatting about our lives. I can't remember how or why, but the next thing I knew, we were standing up & hugging each other, still talking. I was a little tired, so I rested my head on his shoulder. He smelt good. I will never forget the smell of his cologne. How could he still smell so good after a whole night of partying? I didn't feel too comfortable though, standing in my 4 inch heels, feeling quite sticky after a long night out. But I enjoyed being around him so much & such quiet times we had with each other were considered a rarity, so I was torn between going home to my nice, comfy bed & standing there continuing the conversation with him. I chose the latter, of course.

Half an hour later, the fatigue really started to get to me, & it seemed to me that A was starting to feel the same too. The sky was bright by then, & the early morning crowd was starting to gather around the bus stop. People were giving us strange looks -- there I was, in my thick make up & 4 inch heels, hugging A in public, not giving two hoots about what was going on around me. Perhaps that was why A was starting to feel a little uneasy, I thought.

Sensing that, I was afraid he'd feel embarrassed being subject to so much unwanted attention, so I told him I'd make my way home. I stepped away from him & stuck my hand out to flag a cab, but to my surprise he pulled me back. For some reason, there were an exceptional number of cabs on the road & one stopped immediately the moment I raised my hand. I looked at A, confused as to why he had pulled me back. We stood there awkwardly for awhile. The cab driver looked at me, looked at A, then looked back at me before he drove off.

Me: "Why?"

A kept quiet & looked down. I couldn't figure what was wrong. Was he upset with me? But why would he be? We were having such a great time earlier on. Did he have something to say to me? What was it? Question after question ran through my mind, & still A was quiet, all this while avoiding eye contact with me. I started to become impatient & a little grouchy because my legs were aching & I was really tired. I looked at him, confused, waiting for him to say something.

A couple of minutes later...

Me: "A, what is it? If you have something to say to me, say it! I don't know what you want when you're just keeping quiet & not telling me anything, yet not letting me go home." I said in a slightly irritated tone.

Still, A remained silent! I was starting to get pissed & made another attempt to walk off. Again, he pulled me back, but still didn't say a word. I stood there, confused & grouchy, & continued to shoot him confused looks.

Finally, he said: "Shall we sleep together?", still looking down at his feet.

I swear, it was the cutest way someone proposed sex to me. I didn't expect him to be this shy when it came to this. I was obviously taken aback, so I didn't reply. I wasn't gonna turn him down, that's for sure....... I just didn't know how to respond. After an awkward moment of silence, I mumbled: "where.....?"

Taking that to be a positive answer, he held my hand & led me to the hotel just opposite where we were standing. My heart pounded furiously. This was a guy I was actually really, really fond of, & we were heading to a hotel together. Somehow this felt different from the rest of the guys I had sex with, because I was madly in love with A by then. I felt like a little girl who was about to open her Christmas present -- eager, not knowing what was gonna be inside, filled with excitement yet anxious at the same time, afraid that it was gonna be a present I didn't like.

[LovePotion]

great,,, pls carry on

[kristin18]

Thank you to all for reading thus far.

I will not be replying to PMs asking me out to party because I have already paid a heavy price for this crazy lifestyle (which will be revealed in the later part of the story) & obviously will not be so silly as to repeat the same mistakes again.

I apologize if this story is not as well-written or interesting as the rest, I've tried to be as detailed as I can but I just wish to present the bare facts as they are to those who are reading this.

Again, thanks for all the support. :)

[hunted]

well sis, it looks like you were or are kinda in a mess. I hope you do see light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone has a path to walk, whether you like it or not. JUST FUCK the whether you like it or not. JUST WALK down the path.

MAYBE YOU WANT TO TRY THIS MOTTO.... IT WORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME. "IF YOUR PAST ISN'T FULL OF UPs AND DOWNs. IT'S CALLED A MEMORY, IF ITS FULL OF SHIT!, THATS CALL EXPERIENCE!"

[kristin18]

From the moment he asked that question till we were in the hotel room, we behaved awkwardly. We made small talk here & there, but we were both just not ourselves. Perhaps we were both just shy, even though I couldn't understand why we would be when we were already so close by then -- not just emotionally but physically as well.

We entered the room, & my heart was pumping at an insane speed by then. The minute I stepped into the room, I went into the toilet without even informing him. I needed to pee so badly, & I didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or the anxiety. Since I was in the toilet, I washed up a little as well. When I came out from the toilet wrapped in just the bath towel, he was lying on the bed with his eyes closed. The moment I got out from the toilet, he got up & headed to the toilet. We didn't speak to each other at all. I didn't know how to act or what to do so I just lay on the bed, all this while feeling as if I was gonna get a heart attack soon enough since my heart was beating so fast.

Five minutes later, he was out. He lay next to me, & I turned to him. I didn't know what to expect, but I was positive he could hear my heart pounding furiously. I blushed a little. He leaned over to kiss me, but he wasn't much of a kisser I suppose, & the kiss barely lasted for a minute. It was a waste, because kissing turned me on greatly. But he was a fan of blowjobs, that was for sure, because shortly after he sat up & lightly pushed my head towards his cock. His cock wasn't big. No, that's not the correct way to describe it, because it wasn't small as well. Let's just say that the length was average, but the girth was below average. Still, it belonged to A. And that's all that mattered to me at that point in time.

I took his cock in my mouth. It was the perfect size for my mouth, come to think of it. And it tasted nice. I don't know if it was because he had just come out from the shower, or simply because in my mind I kept telling myself that I was sucking A's cock, but at that point in time I enjoyed giving the blowjob. For the first time ever, I enjoyed giving a blowjob.

A gave a small moan when his cock came into contact with my mouth. I liked it. I like guys who moan, & that made me wanna pleasure him even more. I teased his cock by going slow, then fast, then slow again. He liked it, I could tell from his moans. I guess he could sense I was tired after awhile, so he stopped me & guided me to lie on my back instead. He kissed my neck, then headed down south. I shivered a little in anticipation of what was to come. His lips reached my breasts & he started sucking on my nipples. It felt good, until he started sucking harder & I felt pain. I grimaced a little but pretended not to feel anything. Hmm..... Suddenly I didn't feel as turned on as before. Well, it didn't matter. I was finally in bed with the guy I was crazy over! That was what was important.

He continued making his way down south & teased me for a bit at my bikini line, but navigated west instead, to my inner thigh. Kinky. He started off by licking & lightly sucking my inner thigh, after which he went on to......... Bite me. What the fuck?! That was the first thought that went through my mind when the pain coursed through my body. Please. Don't tell me the guy I am so madly in love with is into such things. Omg. This was the only thing on my mind while I tightened all my muscles & tried to bear with the pain. He seemed to be enjoying himself & I just couldn't bring myself to stop him. He bit & suck, bit & suck, & just when I thought he was finally done, he moved on to the other thigh! ..... And repeated the same process. Bite. Suck. Bite. Suck. Bite. Suck. The pain was really getting to me. I began to feel a wee bit annoyed. I struggled a little as a hint to him that I didn't like it. He was too into the act & bit even harder instead. By then, the pain became too much for me to bear & I pushed him away.

I suppose he'd had enough fun by then, so he capped himself & started to fuck me. That felt much better, except that I wasn't in the least bit turned on after what had happened. His lips touched my neck, & I thought to myself: "Yup, that would help to turn me on." ........ Until he started biting & sucking AGAIN. Well, at least this time it wasn't as painful. It felt more like a lovebite which I didn't mind, not at all, so I let him be. After pumping for a long time, he stopped & guided my face to his cock again. He'd gone a little soft. Strange, since I thought he was enjoying himself. I gave him what he wanted anyway, & he soon went on with the pumping. He finally came, thankfully, & ended my agony.

We both fell asleep, me in his arms, for the next one hour before our time was up & we checked out & left for home.

It was one of the most agonizing sexual encounters I'd had, but for some weird, unknown reason, I found myself thinking of that night & replaying that night's events over & over again. I just couldn't figure why. Usually a lousy sex encounter would put me off greatly; but why couldn't I get that night out of my mind?!

[TheGreatOne]

good story.

will be camping.

A, now you know your act was far from arousing for a lady in case you're reading. :D

[BMW69]

Ouch. It's probably the bites. You 2 seem to have different sexual preferences.

[kristin18]

I woke up the next day with bruises & bite marks on my inner thighs, & a lovebite on my neck. I should've been bothered by that, but I wasn't. Instead I kept looking at the bite marks -- they reminded me of the night before. They reminded me that I had slept with A, & that was when I realized how much I actually wanted him. The experience wasn't exactly a pleasant one, but that didn't bother me at all. All I knew was that I wanted more of such intimate moments with him. It made me feel a lot closer to him emotionally; it made me feel superior to the girls who wanted him, but who could only watch him leave alone with me after our party sessions.

Things between us went on as per normal. We still partied together every other day. On weekdays we usually ended our party sessions earlier because of work commitments the following day, so we hardly had supper together on weekdays. The next Friday, we met again in a group & as usual, got ourselves dead drunk by the time the club closed. We left for our usual weekend supper at the same place. That night, I was dressed in a tight fitting dress which squeezed my breasts together & made them look bigger than they actually were. Throughout the supper, A had his eyes fixated on my chest. I knew it was not gonna be an early night for either of us.

This time, he didn't bother asking. When we reached the bus stop, he looked at me, looked at the hotel opposite, & looked at me again. As much as I wanted him, the previous experience did put me off a little. I gave him a feeble smile & mumbled: "I'm scared. The last time was painful." He returned me a reassuring smile before leading me in the direction of the hotel. I wasn't sure if I really wanted the sex, but I couldn't bring myself to turn him down so I didn't resist.

The first ten minutes upon entering the hotel room was the same. While I laid on the bed waiting for him, I braced myself for what was to come. I told myself to just immerse myself in the sex, in A, & perhaps I might find the same kind of enjoyment in the pain. But before I could fully prepare myself, A was out of the shower & next to me. As usual, the kiss lasted less than a minute before A made his way down south. His lips reached my nipple & my muscles were already tightened by then, bracing myself for the sharp burst of pain when his teeth clamped down on my nipples.

But to my surprise, the pain didn't come. Instead, an unexpected moan came out from my mouth. This time, A was gentle & sensual -- no teeth involved. My body started to relax, & my nipples were hardened by then. A took them one by one, slowly & gently in his mouth, using his tongue to tease my nipples while sucking on them at the same time. I fucking loved it, & let out soft, uncontrollable moans.

As much as I was enjoying it, I wanted to pleasure A more. So I stopped him. It was my turn now, to take his cock into my mouth. The more I sucked on his lollipop, the harder & bigger he grew. I could feel little shivers on his cock which told me he was enjoying it very, very much. Hearing his moans turned me on even more, & made me even hungrier for his cock.

He gently pushed my head away, which told me that he wanted to fuck me already. So he put on the cap & entered me in missionary position. The feeling was heavenly. I remember thinking, at that point in time, that I wanted his cock inside me forever. I wanted to stay in this position forever, outrageous as that may sound. After a couple of minutes, he gently pulled me up while he lied down. He wanted me to be on top, which I gladly obliged. The feeling was indescribable. He guided my hips & I moved to his rhythm. It felt too good, & before I knew it, I felt a gush of wave building up inside me. I moaned even louder & my breaths got quicker. I started to move faster, & he felt it as well. The final straw came when he whispered in my ear: "oh....... Yeah........ Cum, cum......." .......... I hugged him with all the strength I could muster, & there & then, I could've sworn there was a mini explosion on the bed. My whole body shivered, & he hugged me tightly.

We then switched back to missionary position when he told me: "I don't want to cum."

"Why?", I asked him, since I thought we were both enjoying the session. He replied, "because this feels too good, & I don't want this to end."

This intensified what I was feeling at that time, but I didn't have time to feel more before he started pumping again. He stopped for a few seconds twice, because he didn't want to cum too soon. That was how I knew he was loving this moment as much as I was. But he couldn't hold it in for long before he managed to mumble an "I'm cumming", followed by the most turn on moan I had ever heard in my life, all this while pumping harder & faster, before he finally collapsed on me. I could feel his cock releasing its last bit of sperms, & boy, I liked how that felt.

We cleaned up, & we fell asleep with me in his arms again, this time with a smile on my face.

I knew then that I was in love. Confidently sure that I was more emotionally attached to him than ever. That wasn't a good sign, I knew that too, but I couldn't care less. My heart was on fire. I was in love.

[BMW69]

Such a sensual and loving experience. Thanks for the update :)

[DocD]

TS ... You remind me a lot of my ex. Good looking eurasian girl. Wild one, liked to be naughty, especially in public place. She was artistic, had a great heart, and was great in bed. But ultimately her favorite "sexy" thing was just for us to spend the night together and fall asleep on the same bed and make breakfast together.

I've never blamed her for sleeping with many guys. And she could have been "the one" for me. But after so long she had "lost" herself and needed to go on the journey to find herself on her own.

Many guys are naive (I myself was). M taught me that with women it's always emotional. Unless girl goes and gets drunk to deliberately forget about emotions. Guys do it too, it's hard to spend the night alone.

[ChiongBalai]

I am literally getting goosebumps the way you describe A. It feels like I'm reading about myself.. From the features to the eyes to the innocent and shy sex proposal.. If you take away his age and the fact that he likes to bite I would be asking you "DO I KNOW YOU?!??"

[BMW69]

I am literally getting goosebumps the way you describe A. It feels like I'm reading about myself.. From the features to the eyes to the innocent and shy sex proposal.. If you take away his age and the fact that he likes to bite I would be asking you "DO I KNOW YOU?!??"

Hahaha I totally know this feeling. I actually went to ask the girl "do I know you" because her story was too similar! Different girl from TS

[kristin18]

Such a sensual and loving experience. Thanks for the update :)

Thank you for reading =)

it's hard to spend the night alone.

I agree..... It's hard to spend the night alone sometimes, & I still feel this way these days.

I am literally getting goosebumps the way you describe A. It feels like I'm reading about myself.. From the features to the eyes to the innocent and shy sex proposal.. If you take away his age and the fact that he likes to bite I would be asking you "DO I KNOW YOU?!??"

=) many guys like A out there I guess? Or perhaps I hope? ......... Haha =P

[kristin18]

Being in love with A changed my perspective in life. I was never open to being a third party, but for A, I would've given anything. I had reached the point whereby I didn't mind if I had to forever be the third party, or if I would never be the number one priority in his life. I just wanted to have such simple moments with him. I just wanted to be with him. It did strike me that he didn't like me like I thought he did & that he was just after my body, but I didn't mind that either. Stupid of me, but I guess that showed how much I loved him.

But as fate would have it, we weren't meant to even be long-term flings. One day A broke the news to me that he was to be outstationed overseas, & that he would have to be there for at least a year, or perhaps more. & his girlfriend would be going along with him. I was devastated. I knew this wasn't gonna last, but I wanted more time with him. Two months was too short. I entertained all sorts of silly ideas to stop him from going, but I knew I couldn't. He was 100% committed to his work & there was no way he would stay for me, as much as he wanted to.

We tried to spend as much time together as we could before he left. I couldn't bear to see him go, yet I had no choice but to accept it. The day before he left, I cried & begged for him not to leave. He told me he didn't want to either, but this was work, & he had to. I knew that deep down already, but I guess accepting didn't come easy for me.

The week after he left was exceptionally torturous, I missed him so much that I made an impromptu, unplanned trip to visit him. I don't know how he managed to get away from his girlfriend, & he didn't explain anything to me either. We spent the best three nights of my life together. The sex just got better & better, perhaps because we were away from our home country....... Or perhaps, as I would like to think, it was because we were already closely connected to each other emotionally. Either way, I had the most enjoyable & unforgettable sexperience (literally) in my life being there with him; a precious memory I would keep close to my heart for life.

I came back to Singapore feeling downcasted, knowing that this was really, truly the end, & it was time to let go for good. The next two months were not easy to get through at all. I had to force myself not to think of him. Even though social media kept us connected, it was not enough. Besides, we couldn't possibly express our emotions through social media or whatsapp. The fact that he wasn't here physically tortured me everyday; I think I wasn't strong enough to let go. I didn't even have the mood to party anymore, but partying was the only way I could take my mind off him. Two months later, I finally moved on. That should've been good news, but if I had known what was about to befall me, I would have chosen to remain hung up over him instead of moving on & moving forward in life.

[georgemagnum]

Oh mine, TS ..... Have u ever considered writing a book based on this experience of yours ? Potential list topper :)

Pls share more ...... Hehehe

gm

[Hooters666]

Sis

Solid awesome pure narration from your heart!

Keep up the writing!

Best

[kristin18]

Oh mine, TS ..... Have u ever considered writing a book based on this experience of yours ? Potential list topper :)

Pls share more ...... Hehehe

gm

Never thought of it. Just thought of sharing my experience here. But thanks for the compliment & support =)

Sis

Solid awesome pure narration from your heart!

Keep up the writing!

Best

Thank you for the support =)

[kristin18]

Two months after A's departure, life went on as per normal for me. I still thought of him very often & we still talked on whatsapp, but the distance between us just kept growing. I carried on partying because I found solace in partying.

One day, at a club, I saw A's colleague & best friend, K. We hadn't seen each other ever since A left Singapore. We drank & partied together & started to grow close. But all this while I only saw him as A's best friend, nothing more than that, & treated him the way I would have treated any of A's friends. A knew that I had been partying regularly with K & had no issue with that. He did tease me a bit about my relationship with K, but I just laughed it off. After all, I wasn't interested in K at all.

One night, K was exceptionally nice to me at the club. He took really good care of me & spent every moment in the club with me. I was alone & didn't know the rest of the people in the group other than K, so I was obviously more reserved than usual. Other girls asked K to join them to dance, but he politely rejected them & chose to accompany me instead. It was really sweet of him. I got wasted that night, & K was pretty tipsy himself. Due to family problems, I didn't wanna go home for the night so I decided to check in to a hotel alone.

I reached the hotel but couldn't sleep. For some reason, I was wide awake despite being so drunk. In my drunken state, I dialled K's number.

Me: "Where are you?"

K replied that he was somewhere near the location of my hotel.

Me: "Can you come up to my hotel? I have a room here. Room number is XXX."

I think K was pretty taken aback but he was here in no time. I opened the door for him & headed back to dive under the covers because I was freezing cold. K removed his shoes & immediately pounced on me. Well, that was what I expected, anyway. K was a much bigger fan of kissing than A was, which turned me on. Somehow I felt a strange emotional connection with him, something I didn't feel with the rest of the guys, though it was still uncomparable to the feeling that A gave me. Maybe it was the kiss. I liked the way he kissed me with such passion, wihch made me feel like he really wanted me.

He removed his jeans & boxers & I promptly headed for his cock. The first thing he asked me was: "Small cock, right? Smaller than A?"

.......... I didn't know how to answer him so I kept quiet & went on to give him a blowjob. The fact was, his cock was about the same length & girth as A's, but I felt that it was not necessary to tell him that. I can't recall much of what happened during the foreplay, because everything was a blur to me in my drunken state. The next thing I knew, K's capped cock was inside me & he was pumping furiously.

He stopped halfway, exhausted & panting, & I knew he couldn't cum. I felt bad. Was it because he couldn't feel anything? Was it because he was too drunk? My mind was full of questions & I gave him a reassuring look to tell him that it was okay, don't worry about it. He started asking me questions like: "How many guys have you slept with?" "When you had sex with A, did you use a condom?" "Have you slept with many guys?"

I answered his questions to the best of my ability. But this wasn't exactly a conversation I wanted to have in the middle of sex, & while I was drunk. K pondered over my answers, then removed the condom from his cock & continued pumping me. The moment he entered me without the condom, he let out a long moan. Hmm...... So it was because of the condom. But by then, I had no mood already & hence didn't feel anything. I was also a little concerned about K shooting inside me, so I made it a point to remind him a couple of times not to shoot inside me. He nodded & told me he understands, & that he will withdraw before he cums.

It was much easier for him to cum after removing the condom. Within five minutes, his cock was out of me. He went to wash up, then we lay in bed together & chatted for a bit before we fell asleep.

[highlysex]

Thank you sis for your story pls continue :)

[kristin18]

I had to wake up four hours later for work. I got up & showered while K was still in bed, & when I was ready, I woke him up. We went our separate ways after he gave me a goodbye kiss. I thought to myself: "What the fuck did I just do? I just slept with A's best friend. Oh fuck. & guys, being guys, will brag to each other about who they've slept with, right? K is gonna tell A that we had sex. A is gonna think so badly of me after this episode. Oh fuck......... I hate this........."

I couldn't focus at work at all. Then a sudden, random thought struck my mind: "Did K withdraw & shoot outside of me last night? Why is it that I don't recall feeling anything on my tummy? I didn't even head to the toilet to wash up. If he did cum on my body/tummy, I should have felt sticky & should have gone to wash up, right? But I don't remember washing up. So that means he came inside of me?" I texted K, but he didn't reply me throughout the whole afternoon. So I decided to visit the doctor after work to get the morning after pill just in case.

Thankfully, K had kept that night's events to himself. I didn't ask him, but A's attitude towards me hadn't changed at all so I supposed he didn't know what had happened. Knowing A's character, he would have been angry & disappointed with me if he had known that I'd slept with his best friend. So I took it that he was in the dark about it since there was no change in his behaviour towards me.

A few days later, K & I met at the club again. K wanted a second round with me, but I wasn't keen. After all, I couldn't get over the guilt of sleeping with A's best friend. I managed to wriggle myself out of that situation that night by telling K that I had work the next day & I had to go straight home after the party ended. He was reluctant, but let me go anyway. That was the last I saw of K.

--

So the party sessions continued, but for some strange reason, I felt like my alcohol tolerance level was getting weaker. Not possible, I thought, since I had always been able to hold my liquor well. But I found myself getting drunk & throwing up more easily than ever. I thought this meant that the nights spent partying were taking a toll on my body & it was time to put a stop to all of this. Still, partying was an addiction I couldn't rid myself of, hard as I tried.

[LovePotion]

pls continue thanks. :)

[smellycat]

thanks. insightful journey into the female mind :p

[kristin18]

My menses was due to come sometime around the second week of the next month. My menses was always regular, so when the PMS symptoms came on the second week, I thought nothing of it. By the third week, my menses still wasn't here. Hmmm........... Strange, since I was having all the PMS symptoms like cramps, heavy & swollen breasts, etc. I waited anyway, positive that my menses will come. After all, the last time I had sex was with K, & I did take the morning after pill so I knew I was safe. My life went on as per normal.

When my menses still didn't come by the end of the third week, my mind started to fill itself up with crazy thoughts. Even though I knew the chances of me being pregnant were low, well, let's just say that when faced with such a situation, everything seemed possible to me. I spoke to a close girlfriend & randomly mentioned that my menses was supposed to be here the week before but it still wasn't here yet. "Could I be pregnant?" I asked her. I was also starting to feel a little bit of nausea in the mornings -- but that was also a common symptom of PMS. "Just go do a pregnancy test, that would solve everything", my friend advised. "You have nothing to worry about lah, since you said you took the morning after pill, you should be safe...... But just do the test to put your mind at ease."

That night, I couldn't sleep. I was wide awake the whole night through. I tried to tell myself not to think too much & stress myself out unnecessarily because that could be one of the reasons why my menses was late. I also tried to tell myself that the morning after pill would cause side effects like delayed menses, so perhaps this was just a side effect of the pill. Still, I was kept awake till it was time to wake up for work. I woke up slightly earlier so I had time to go buy the pregnancy test kit & do the test before heading to work.

My heart was beating nervously. Even though I knew the chances were low, this was the first time I had encountered a situation like this. I quickly paid for a pregnancy test kit & headed to the nearby coffeeshop toilet. At that point, I didn't care that the toilet was dirty & smelly. I just wanted to quickly get this over & done with. I definitely couldn't wait till I reached office, that's for sure. I skimmed through the instructions. Took out the thermometer-like test kit. Accurately placed it below my vagina. A few drops of urine landed on the test area, a few drops landed on my finger. My hands were shaking. There was a reaction on the results area of the test kit. I lifted it up to have a closer look.

The first line appeared. Ok....... Now waiting to see if the second line would appear. There was only one sentence repeating in my mind, "Please don't let the second line appear." I watched.......... As the second line appeared. As my heart dropped to the floor suddenly. As my world came crashing down on me.



I was pregnant. I was 21, & pregnant, & the father of my baby was nowhere to be found.

[highlysex]

I was pregnant. I was 21, & pregnant, & the father of my baby was nowhere to be found.[/QUOTE]

Oh dear , so sorry to hear that ! You take care ya ? TS !

[lorraina]

I can't comment much on your true story but as a girl, safety should always come before fun.. A mistake can lead to life time regret.. Play safe.:)

[iluvbreast]

A really nasty situation, sorry to read about it...

[DocD]

sad to say but i think the morning pill may have a high fail rate. my ex oso kena pregnant in similar situation (no it wasnt mine had happened long after we had broken up)...

[kristin18]

I walked out of the toilet in a daze. All of a sudden I felt giddy. I didn't know what to do. I stood at one corner, my heart still pumping furiously, my hands still trembling. I called my close girlfriend (I'll call her H from here on). My voice was trembling as well. H asked me how was it, & the first word that came out of my mouth was "fuck". She immediately knew what had happened.

H: "Huh? So zhun ah? But I thought you took the pill? What happened? Why like that?"

I didn't know how to answer her, to be honest. I was searching for the answers myself; how could I possibly answer her.....? I felt as if I could break down & cry anytime, but I kept it in. I hung up the phone with her & phoned my sister, asking her if she could meet me immediately. I just needed to see someone, someone I could talk to to help solve this problem. My sister was sleeping. I told her I wanted to meet her immediately & she knew something was wrong. She kept pressing me to tell her what had happened but I couldn't say the words. Finally, after much hesitation, I said it.

"I'm pregnant", I whispered into the phone. I hadn't wanted to face up to reality, but the moment those two words came out from my mouth, I knew I couldn't run anymore. I had to face this. I had to solve this problem. I created this mess, & I had to clear it. There was no way I could run away from it. My sister was shocked. She, too, tried to seek answers through me. I couldn't provide her with any answers. None of them could help me, I realized. They were too shocked by what had happened. All they wanted were answers, which I couldn't give.

I hung up the phone & tried to rationally think through what was the next course of action to take. I started to make my way home first. I didn't turn up for work & I just sent an SMS saying that I was unwell. I looked up the Internet on what was the safest, quickest & cheapest way to get an abortion in Singapore. I wasn't gonna keep the baby, that's for sure. I wasn't ready for one. I was surviving on a $800/month pay with no CPF & no medisave. There was no way I could feed two mouths. & there was absolutely no way my parents would agree to me being a single mother. If they should know about this, I was quite sure that they'd disown me.

I found that the cheapest way was to head to a polyclinic & get a referral to a government hospital. The fees at a government hospital would be subsidised, & that seemed like the only way out for me.

I made my way to the polyclinic myself. Many thoughts ran through my mind. H suggested I let K in on the pregnancy, though we both believed it wouldn't make a difference, whether he knew about it or not. Well, I thought I'd just text him, anyway.

Me: "Are you busy? I have something to tell you."
K: "What's up?"
Me: "I'm pregnant."
K: "Huh????? I thought you went to see the doctor for the pill???? Why didn't you?????"
Me: "I did, but the pill didn't work."
K sent a sad emoticon.

I was filled with anger. All he could manage was just a sad emoticon?!

Me: "It's okay, I understand. Guys are privileged in that they can just fuck & go; I'll be left to deal with all of this alone -- both financially & emotionally. It's okay, I understand."
K: "Are you angry with me?"
Me: "What do you think?"
K: "So you think it's my fault? If so, I'm sorry."
Me: "What are you sorry about? If you don't think it's your fault, don't apologise to me. It's pointless that way."
K: "I'm sorry....... I really didn't intend for this to happen. I thought I came outside of you, but I guess I couldn't control."
Me: "Yeah, it's okay, don't worry about it...... I expect to be alone through all of this anyway, & I don't expect for you to bear the financial cost with me as well."
K: "I don't have money to help you.............. *sad emoticon*"

I stopped replying. I was too overwhelmed with the anger. A $50 as a form of an apology wasn't too much to ask for, I believed. Even if he wasn't willing to help me through this emotionally, the least he could do is lessen my financial burden. But his replies showed me that he didn't want to have anything to do with this pregnancy or abortion. I told myself to lose hope in this bastard & focus on solving this alone instead. I was afraid, because I knew it was gonna be a long journey ahead, but I braved myself up. I believed I was strong enough to go through this alone.



I was wrong about myself.

[Gambit7]

Sorry to hear the things u went thru... It's really quite fucked up... Whatever happened on ur first r/s, u shouldn't even consider in going to such extreme way to hurt urself. Drinking and clubbing ur way is definitely degrading urself and not improving on the situation. I think this ordeal should be over for u by now, but it's never too late to repent and improvised ur actions and attitude towards problems.

[mrloner]

Hope/wish that you are good now

[genesis01]

I walked out of the toilet in a daze. All of a sudden I felt giddy. I didn't know what to do. I stood at one corner, my heart still pumping furiously, my hands still trembling. I called my close girlfriend (I'll call her H from here on). My voice was trembling as well. H asked me how was it, & the first word that came out of my mouth was "fuck". She immediately knew what had happened.

H: "Huh? So zhun ah? But I thought you took the pill? What happened? Why like that?"

I didn't know how to answer her, to be honest. I was searching for the answers myself; how could I possibly answer her.....? I felt as if I could break down & cry anytime, but I kept it in. I hung up the phone with her & phoned my sister, asking her if she could meet me immediately. I just needed to see someone, someone I could talk to to help solve this problem. My sister was sleeping. I told her I wanted to meet her immediately & she knew something was wrong. She kept pressing me to tell her what had happened but I couldn't say the words. Finally, after much hesitation, I said it.

"I'm pregnant", I whispered into the phone. I hadn't wanted to face up to reality, but the moment those two words came out from my mouth, I knew I couldn't run anymore. I had to face this. I had to solve this problem. I created this mess, & I had to clear it. There was no way I could run away from it. My sister was shocked. She, too, tried to seek answers through me. I couldn't provide her with any answers. None of them could help me, I realized. They were too shocked by what had happened. All they wanted were answers, which I couldn't give.

I hung up the phone & tried to rationally think through what was the next course of action to take. I started to make my way home first. I didn't turn up for work & I just sent an SMS saying that I was unwell. I looked up the Internet on what was the safest, quickest & cheapest way to get an abortion in Singapore. I wasn't gonna keep the baby, that's for sure. I wasn't ready for one. I was surviving on a $800/month pay with no CPF & no medisave. There was no way I could feed two mouths. & there was absolutely no way my parents would agree to me being a single mother. If they should know about this, I was quite sure that they'd disown me.

I found that the cheapest way was to head to a polyclinic & get a referral to a government hospital. The fees at a government hospital would be subsidised, & that seemed like the only way out for me.

I made my way to the polyclinic myself. Many thoughts ran through my mind. H suggested I let K in on the pregnancy, though we both believed it wouldn't make a difference, whether he knew about it or not. Well, I thought I'd just text him, anyway.

Me: "Are you busy? I have something to tell you."
K: "What's up?"
Me: "I'm pregnant."
K: "Huh????? I thought you went to see the doctor for the pill???? Why didn't you?????"
Me: "I did, but the pill didn't work."
K sent a sad emoticon.

I was filled with anger. All he could manage was just a sad emoticon?!

Me: "It's okay, I understand. Guys are privileged in that they can just fuck & go; I'll be left to deal with all of this alone -- both financially & emotionally. It's okay, I understand."
K: "Are you angry with me?"
Me: "What do you think?"
K: "So you think it's my fault? If so, I'm sorry."
Me: "What are you sorry about? If you don't think it's your fault, don't apologise to me. It's pointless that way."
K: "I'm sorry....... I really didn't intend for this to happen. I thought I came outside of you, but I guess I couldn't control."
Me: "Yeah, it's okay, don't worry about it...... I expect to be alone through all of this anyway, & I don't expect for you to bear the financial cost with me as well."
K: "I don't have money to help you.............. *sad emoticon*"

I stopped replying. I was too overwhelmed with the anger. A $50 as a form of an apology wasn't too much to ask for, I believed. Even if he wasn't willing to help me through this emotionally, the least he could do is lessen my financial burden. But his replies showed me that he didn't want to have anything to do with this pregnancy or abortion. I told myself to lose hope in this bastard & focus on solving this alone instead. I was afraid, because I knew it was gonna be a long journey ahead, but I braved myself up. I believed I was strong enough to go through this alone.



I was wrong about myself.

Pls send him to hell if that was really the case.

[gotnotime]

Ts, I hope that you're fine now, let this story serve as a warning to everyone to play safe, and enjoy as the story unfolds.

[Cherrygen]

That k is a bastard !! It's so heart wrenching to hear it happened.
1 of my classmate went for abortion in jc, that time she told me that she was afraid of the sound of vacuum cos it reminded her of her abortion. Her then bf raped her & she got pregnant becos of that. Her bf gave her $ to abort the baby.. We were only 17 yrs old then..

I hope u r ok now sis..

[ANowhereMan]

Oh my god, pathetic. You're so strong sis! Kudos to you!

[Scrabble]

Sorry to hear that. K's such a bastard!

[batusay]

Thats not how a real man should be responding. Karma will get to him dont worry. I hope you are alright now sis.

[Summerhillt]

A sad smiley face and than can siam all problems? But the baby confirm belongs to K right? Sis hope your allright man.. abortion really makes the girl feel damn weak after that.

Anyway i've heard that if a woman found out shes pregnant within the first 2 weeks.. she could go for a jab at the doctors and her menses will come? Is this true? My father told me this lol...

[LPPlol]

Hi TS

It was a nice story until you mentioned K gave you a sad emoticon... It really made me wanna punch him if i ever know him...

Yeah.. guys, i sound like white knight... but no la.. how i give that 'K' a cyber falcon punch?

We have no rights to comment on your life and since it's already unfolded, all we can do is wish for the best for you.

TS, is there anything or any advice you need from the forum thus far? Im sure it's not easy for you now... i mean, i've had a lady done an abortion before and that felt very very terrible. We were very much in love but she was married then... to make things worse, she is of a different race from me...

I only knew about it after she was in the clinic.. and she said she was scared. I asked her why and she said she is going for an abortion... i immediately called her but she turned off her handphone.

I only managed to contact her after she is done and I went to fetch her. I actually hated her for not discussing with me but she said it's for the best... I could not even take care of her after that... cos her hubby is at home.

A male homewrecker... lol! I get drunk to get rid of this guilt in me every now and then.

I still think alot about it every now and then. It's easily the most painful time of my life and it still is. I wonder sometimes how the kid will look like and feel really sad when i pass by little toddlers or babies..

Doctors have verified that it will be hard for her to get pregnant again.
Sadly, she and her husband not have any children yet.

That was 4 years ago. I've lost her contact since. I wanna tell her i am willing to do as much as i can to make it up to her. I know i don't have the right to but i think i should.

As one female samster, Sane, once told me, I'm the type that does not think of the consequences when i do things .. i admit i shouldn't have did as what she said when she asked me to cum inside her... but it happened and we both paid a very high price for it... more of the emotional price than the financial burden.

Back to you, TS... not sure if we want you to write more or hope that your story ended well... but i think we really want to know you are doing ok.

[kristin18]

Thanks to all for the kind words of encouragement. I appreciate it very much. As much as I wish for this story to be fictional, it is as true as it can be.

A sad smiley face and than can siam all problems? But the baby confirm belongs to K right? Sis hope your allright man.. abortion really makes the girl feel damn weak after that.


Yes, the baby belonged to K. I don't know if I wished it belonged to someone else though, because maybe then it wouldn't have been so tough on me.



TS, is there anything or any advice you need from the forum thus far? Im sure it's not easy for you now... i mean, i've had a lady done an abortion before and that felt very very terrible. We were very much in love but she was married then... to make things worse, she is of a different race from me...


Sorry to hear about your story, & it's nice to know that you were responsible enough to want to help her through it.

As for advice....... I don't think so. I just hope that I am able to, through my story, remind all samsters to think of the consequences before doing anything. Things that seem right to do in a moment of passion might lead to dire consequences that are hard to handle. & this applies both to the guys & ladies.

In a way, I brought this upon myself so perhaps it is only right to say I deserved it. K wasn't the only one at fault, to be honest, because I did call him up to my hotel room. It was the first time I'd done something like that in my drunken state. I definitely didn't expect the consequences to be as such.

[DocD]

As as much as i want to hold myself and everyone to be responsible, i don't think many men or women can resist the urge once in the moment liao to do raw. So all the planning has to happen before and alcohol just makes everything and everyone unpredictable. This is the truth. So OP I know it may mean little to hear it over the internet like this, but you are a human. And human makes mistakes. We all do. So I hope can find peace. And I know a lot of m fellow samsters including myself have only the kindest thoughts for you.

[kristin18]

The doctor at the polyclinic did a urine test for me to confirm if I was really pregnant. Before the results were out, I kept hoping that the pregnancy test kit was inaccurate & that it was all just a nightmare. But it wasn't. The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant & gave me a referral to one of the government hospitals. An appointment was made for the next day, because I wasn't planning to keep the baby so a diagnosis had to be made asap so that the abortion can be carried out before it was too late.

I went home after seeing the doctor. I acted as normally as I could. My dad was home by then & chided me for not going to work.

Dad: "Why are you always so lazy? Feel like going to work then go, don't feel like going don't go. No wonder you never get anywhere in life. Continue like this & you're just gonna screw your whole life up, & to be honest, you deserve it!"

I was in the toilet at that time. Upon hearing all of that, I broke down. The tears just flowed. No warning, nothing. My heart ached so much. I don't know what hurt more -- to know that I was pregnant & was about to commit the greatest sin of all, or to know that I couldn't confide in anybody for fear that they would judge me, or to know that I was all alone in this. All I knew was that there was a dull ache in my heart that just wouldn't go away.

I wiped my tears dry, took a deep breath, & told myself to stay strong.

--

The next day, I went for my appointment at the hospital. I saw many pregnant ladies accompanied by their partners. I felt even more alone, at that point. I was sent for an ultrasound scan & for counseling. The ultrasound scan showed the gestation sac, but no foetus. The radiologist then attached a piece of paper to my report, stating that there was a possibility that my pregnancy was an ectopic one. For those who don't know what is an ectopic pregnancy, it means that the foetus is not inside my womb but inside my fallopian tubes instead. An ectopic pregnancy cannot be kept because the baby cannot grow inside the tube. The tube will burst when the foetus grows & this could be dangerous for the mother.

The counsellor spoke to me & asked me about the father of the baby. I lied to her that the father of the baby was aware of the pregnancy, but he wasn't in Singapore so he wasn't able to accompany me. I also told her that we had both mutually agreed on the abortion. I think she didn't believe, but I guess it wasn't in her job scope to ask more.

When the doctor reviewed my ultrasound scan, he told me that I was probably only about four weeks' pregnant & hence he couldn't see the foetus. An appointment was made for three weeks later, because only then would it be possible to see the foetus.

I spoke to another close girlfriend about what had happened (I'll name her E from here on). E told me her experience when she was previously pregnant. She revealed to me that hers was an ectopic pregnancy. Menses-like cramps were normal, but her cramps were at the side. She didn't think much of it, not until one day the pain got so terrible & she had to be rushed to the hospital for an operation. She had to remove one of her fallopian tubes because of this, & it would be difficult for her to get pregnant in future. She told me to be careful -- if I felt pain at my side, I should go back to the hospital immediately.

It was my first time pregnant, & I really didn't know what to expect. I broke down again upon reaching home. I didn't want to kill my own flesh & blood. I was so reluctant to do so. If I could, I would've kept it, but I knew it was not possible. Even though I was only four weeks pregnant, I had already developed a connection with that little thing growing inside me. My heart hurt so badly..........

[Yardstick]

Sorry to hear about the unplanned pregnancy and the irresponsible guy. It is understandable that it will forever be a guilt playing in your mind. However, do try to let go and learn to look forward since there is no use crying over spilted milk.

I probably sound heartless. But in reality, sometimes life leaves us with little choice. Hope things are turning for the better.

[late bloomer]

Am sad to read this story sis. :(

Some mistakes cannot be rectified so easily.

I myself recently had a bad experience with raw.

I was also drunk at that time and things got a bit out of control.

Am waiting for another 6 months then go for AIDS test ... :(

[tangozhang]

i sorry to heard your story but to be honest i feel like punching the asshole that make u like these his a idoit hope he gt his retribution for treating u like these. U a strong woman i knw is nt easy being alone manage these but i sure u can wan we all here support u

[Nautica]

Am waiting for another 6 months then go for AIDS test ... :(

Guess this will be the longest 6 months of your life.

Take care bro.

[fifidzi]

Be strong, you can manage it. What is over is over, look forward. Plan carefully and hope everything will be better for you.

[chatlovers]

Well TS, I dont know what will be the ending of your story but you sud consider yourself lucky if the price of your lifestyle was loss of baby and ability to conceive again in the future. It could easily have been worst.

As much as i donot personally justify K's action but calling him bastard is not right. Didn't u call him to your hotel to impregnate you? You suffered coz of your ownself and not K.

But take positive out of every negative. Learn from ur mistake and become a better person. Love youself first before loving booze and guys.

Its my opinion and its not meant to hurt or offend u. If truth is painful then i am sorry.
Peace.

[cataramp]

Be strong, stay positive!

[mrloner]

I would have go say you are a strong girl.

Hope all is good now, do find a close friend of yours to spill out all the things in your heart/brain.

Stay positive. Smile

[RootAccess]

Hope you are alright now.

[bus72]

Omg sis, didnt expected this to happen, I hope you are doing fine now. anw what happened to you & K after that?

[ArSeRaMmEr]

Be strong & stay positive bro

[kristin18]

Well TS, I dont know what will be the ending of your story but you sud consider yourself lucky if the price of your lifestyle was loss of baby and ability to conceive again in the future. It could easily have been worst.

As much as i donot personally justify K's action but calling him bastard is not right. Didn't u call him to your hotel to impregnate you? You suffered coz of your ownself and not K.

But take positive out of every negative. Learn from ur mistake and become a better person. Love youself first before loving booze and guys.

Its my opinion and its not meant to hurt or offend u. If truth is painful then i am sorry.
Peace.

I did admit that it wasn't entirely K's fault. After all I was the one who asked him up to my hotel room, though it is not right to say I called him to my room to impregnate me...... In a way, I wanted company. I didn't even enjoy the sex.

But I understand where you are coming from. K is not obliged to take responsibility; perhaps I was just angry that he didn't respond in the way I hoped he did. He was hardly empathetic about my situation & that hurt me.

Thank you for your comments, anyway......

Thanks also to those who have left positive comments either in this thread or via PM. I have read all of them & I appreciate that there are people who can understand the pain I had to go through. =)

[kristin18]

The next three weeks were a torture. Even though E & H tried to be there for me as much as they could, ultimately I still had to deal with everything myself. It was my first time pregnant & I honestly didn't expect it to be this bad.

The morning sickness really nearly killed me. As some of you might know, some pregnant women tend to have morning sickness symptoms 24/7. & that's how it was for me. I couldn't lead my life normally. I couldn't enjoy my favourite food. I chose to hibernate at home most of the time because going out required energy & I was always lethargic. I was also in low spirits most of the time.

Concerned friends tried to find out what happened. As much as I wanted to talk to them, I couldn't. I had to vomit as quietly as possible because I didn't want my parents to suspect anything. They asked me why I'd been staying home so often. They found it weird. They asked my sister, who pretended not to know a thing. I tried to behave as normally as I could but it was so difficult. I felt like I wasn't myself anymore. I had become someone anti-social, emotional all the time for no reasons at all.

Sometimes when I lay in bed, I would put my hand to my tummy. I would talk to that little thing growing inside me. This makes me sound insane, but it's true. I would say, "sorry, baby..... Mummy loves you, but this is not the right time to have you. You came at the wrong time, & even though it is not your fault at all, I hope you can understand the reasons why Mummy has to do this. This is not what I want either..... Mummy feels awful everyday. The morning sickness really makes me feel so terrible. But Mummy knows this is my punishment. I think you know the decision that Mummy has made, & that's why you are making Mummy feel this way. But Mummy accepts it. I will bear with it because I deserve it."

It hurt so much. I told myself that I had to suffer the physical pain (i.e the pregnancy symptoms like morning sickness, etc) & emotional pain because this was what I deserved for knowingly killing my own flesh & blood.

Finally, three weeks passed. It was the date of my appointment again. I was nervous & anxious. Soon I would be able to lead a normal life again. I needed the abortion to be done soon because I was putting on weight & my mother had been commenting on how I had grown horizontally over the past few months. I kept reciting in my head that all these would soon be over. But as fate would have it, there just had to be more obstacles along the way.

[Scrabble]

That's so sweet how you talk to the baby and sad at the same time.

[micmac888]

sigh.....

to each one's own... to each one's own

auld lang syne ...

[onlyhuman]

Because of a moment of folly, a life is lost...
You paid the price for leading a lifestyle like this...

[late bloomer]

Do carry on with the story sis ...

[kristin18]

I spent four hours at the hospital on the day of my appointment. First I was sent to do the ultrasound scan. The radiologist pointed out my foetus to me. The foetus had already been formed, & I saw it for the first time. I don't know how to describe it. It looked so small, so fragile; I could've sworn it was begging me not to kill it. I don't know if the radiologist was being cruel intentionally or if this was part of his job scope, but tears welled up in my eyes when he pointed out my baby's heartbeat to me. That was the breaking point for me. Up till now, I cannot get that image out of my mind.

My baby already had a heartbeat of its own. So full of life....... & I was about to take all that away from my own flesh & blood. My heart was so heavy at that point in time. There was a huge lump in my throat that just wouldn't go away.

The radiologist asked if I wanted a picture of my baby. I don't know why I said yes even though I know looking at the picture would hurt me even more.

I sent the picture to K. He didn't reply, even though he had already seen the picture. Shortly after, he blocked me from whatsapp. I don't understand how he could be so heartless but that didn't bother me much. What bothered me most was the image of my baby's heartbeat. I couldn't seem to get it out of my mind at all.

The doctor told me that I was nearly eight weeks pregnant. He verified that everything was okay & I was safe to carry out the abortion. He made me sign on many forms, mostly consent/agreement forms explaining the risks of an abortion. I was excited because I thought the surgery could be done on that day itself.

The doctor called up the day surgery department, & after he hung up the phone, he informed me that the next available date for my day surgery would be three weeks from then. I nearly fainted. I couldn't live with this for another three weeks. I just couldn't. I was already having a hard time coping & trying to act normal. I almost begged the doctor for an earlier appointment, but he only replied me nonchalantly, "sorry, this is the earliest available appointment I can give you, full already."

I left the hospital after going through financial counselling & collecting some medicines for my morning sickness which I requested from the doctor. I thought with the medicine, I would be able to better cope with the morning sickness, & would at least be able to hold out until three weeks later.

But the medicine was useless. I was really, truly tired. I couldn't cope with all of this anymore. I contemplated suicide. After all, I couldn't find anything to live for anymore. At that point in time, suicide seemed to be the only best solution to my problems.

[swingersx2]

A person of your calibre easily earns at least $5k per month. It is difficult to believe that someone earning $800 per month can possibly write and express himself or herself so well.

[Xia406]

I'm sorry to hear that kristin18, but whoever this K fellow is.. he is not a man. And since he is a friend of A, I suppose he is in his 30s too?

[sam30sg]

Sad to know what happen to you TS, be strong and maybe an abortion is a better choice for you then. Being an unwed mother is very tough emotionally and financially. Be strong TS

[micmac888]

(doctor) replied ... "sorry, this is the earliest available appointment I can give you, full already." (3 weeks wait)

God have mercy on these people's souls.... its a lifelong feeling of permanent guilt - no matter moving on or not. sigh......

TS - I do not feel compassion or disdain for you. Be a better person and contribute to social charities / orphanages. Your telling this story will not help people (people are like chickens in a coop). But I hope you feel better after pouring out your guilt here via the story. Seek counseling.

[kristin18]

A person of your calibre easily earns at least $5k per month. It is difficult to believe that someone earning $800 per month can possibly write and express himself or herself so well.

I like writing. I like expressing myself through words. I think I write fairly well. But I didn't study when I had the opportunity to. I gave up the chance to study because I just didn't want to. So I don't even have a diploma or a degree. I am stuck working in a stingy relative's company who thinks that since we are family, I should not be calculative about money matters so I am paid by the hour, with no CPF or medisave contribution.

I'm sorry to hear that kristin18, but whoever this K fellow is.. he is not a man. And since he is a friend of A, I suppose he is in his 30s too?

Yes, he is in his 30s too.

[weekendgo]

I like writing. I like expressing myself through words. I think I write fairly well. But I didn't study when I had the opportunity to. I gave up the chance to study because I just didn't want to. So I don't even have a diploma or a degree. I am stuck working in a stingy relative's company who thinks that since we are family, I should not be calculative about money matters so I am paid by the hour, with no CPF or medisave

I hire family members too. But I discuss their wages openly and do not take advantage of them. I think mayhaps you might want to discuss with your relative? With your language capabilities, you can really find better employment elsewhere, unless you are forced to continue by your current situation?

Even if you are paid for by the hour, they are still supposed to contribute to your CPF and medisave.

[bus72]

So what happened to you & K after that?

[Beemers]

Sorry to hear that... At least you are given a choice...For mine, i got my gf (Currently my wife) preggy yrs back when we were only 4 months into our relationship and back then she was determine to abort our child as she feels that we are too early and fast into getting marriage life...We have been married for more than 5 yrs now and we have challenges conceiving a child...Sob...SOb... Be strong gal. I always feel this one thing in mind that is whatever its meant to be yrs, it will be. If its not meant to, You wont not have happiness even if you hold on to it.

[kristin18]

The days that followed were both a mental & physical torture. As I entered my ninth week of pregnancy, the morning sickness just got worse. I took my medicine on time, but it was of no use at all. I was tired very easily & would often head to bed early, though I would be left tossing & turning as sleep did not come easy for me. It didn't help that my parents were growing more suspicious by day, questioning why I had become such a homely person when it was not like me at all. I cited the excuse that I was unwell, but how long could I be unwell for? How long more could I lie to them?

There was once the morning sickness got so bad that I nearly passed out. Randomly, suddenly, my world just started spinning & my vision started to blur. I was perspiring cold sweat & my whole body felt weak. Within the next few seconds I dashed to the nearest staircase lobby to sit down. I felt so fucking awful. I thought of all ways to make myself have a miscarriage. I even hoped that I would suddenly find myself bleeding but that didn't happen.

I was also an emotional wreck. For no rhyme or reason, I'd text H & E telling them about how fucked up this felt, how none of them would understand how I feel, how desperate I am to just head to a private clinic & get the abortion done asap. They didn't bother to comfort me much, but then again, what did I expect? They weren't obliged to, anyway. They asked me, since I wanted so badly for the abortion to be done quickly, why don't I just head to a private clinic instead of whining about it. I told them, because I don't fucking have the money to do the abortion privately, but I was so desperate at that moment that I would do anything for money so that I can get this over & done with asap.

H & E are not rich, but they are both financially stable & hold jobs that are quite well-paying. They are able to spend at least 3-4k a month on leisure & entertainment. I didn't know how to open my mouth to ask them for a loan, so I hinted to them that the private surgery would cost around less than 1k. I didn't have that kind of cash, of course. They kept quiet. I told them that I was just this close to borrowing from loansharks already. It was not something I wanted but I had no choice. They asked me why couldn't I wait out till three weeks later to have the abortion at the government hospital.

I was going crazy. Why couldn't they understand where I was coming from? Why couldn't they understand how painful this was for me & how waiting would be cruelly torturous to me? Why couldn't they just spare me a few hundreds? I would be eternally grateful if they were both able to just lend me $200 or even $100. But they weren't willing. Instead, they chose to keep quiet when I complained to them. They insisted that I should wait for my appointment with the government hospital.

That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends -- nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.

I lay in bed every night, thinking of how to raise the money. I don't know if this is possible or if it was just a mere hallucination, but every night when I put my hand to my tummy, I would feel my baby's heartbeat. I felt two hearts beating simultaneously, which was why I was positive that one was mine, & the other, my baby's. I still spoke to my baby every night. I wondered how he/she would turn out to be like. I imagined having he/she with me, going through the rest of my life with me. I liked the thought of that, but it just wasn't possible & I knew it. I realized that there was now a deeper connection between me & the little thing growing inside me, because of the daily one-sided conversations I was having with him/her. & that pained me even more because I knew that soon I was gonna take away this little life. I was gonna kill my own baby.

[kristin18]

Up till today, I don't know how I managed to go through the seven days after my last appointment at the government hospital. To be frank, it was the longest seven days of my life. Thankfully, that week was also my payday, but I only had $8xx to spare. I started to research online for an abortion with a private clinic which would cost me less than $800.

There were hardly any clinics that did an abortion for that kind of price. Most allowed partial payment via medisave, & even though my sister had kindly given her permission for me to use her medisave, the clinics informed me that I could only use either my parents' or husband's medisave. So that wasn't a considerable option for me.

I found a clinic which stated that an abortion below nine weeks would cost $450, all-inclusive. I contacted the clinic, but they had already revised their price to $550 for a pregnancy under nine weeks, all-inclusive. A pregnancy at nine weeks would cost $650, at ten weeks it would be $750, & so on. So I made an appointment at that clinic. They ensured that they would be able to carry out the surgery on the same day as the abortion. I was relieved.

So one week after my appointment at the government hospital, I finally went through with the abortion surgery.

[LovePotion]

u have all our support.. jia you

[francined69]

sorry to hear about your ordeal. hope you are better now.

[84gunner]

That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends -- nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.

I find that those with higher education & earning higher salaries tend to be more selfish & avoid u when u are in trouble. It's those with lesser education that not only understands the difficulties of other people, they tend to be more willing & ready to help. But then, we can't generalise everyone.

I had this experience, when I was in deep shit, those so-called buddies avoided me. It's already a blessing they avoid me & didn't do further harm, cos I even had "friends" who played me out, spoiling some arrangements that led to more inconveniences which I had to handle & worsening my situation as a result.

Instead, it was those brudders who don't have much education, working in the F & B industry, some even have criminal records & been to jail before, offered help voluntarily. Money, they don't have, but they have networks, they even roped in their family (father, uncles), and they are also willing to risk their life to help me! That time, they don't expect anything in return for the help, and they also know I don't have anything to repay them.

Be brave gal, where there's a Will, there'll be a Way. I strongly believe everything is Fated. An important point is try to remain as calm as possible, no matter the situation. I know it's easier said then done. But that's from personal experience. When u are calm, u tend to have higher tendencies to make better judgement & think of better solutions.

[BMW69]

I agree that those without education, been in gangs been to jails. Those are the people who will go out of their way to help you as much as possible. I really admire them for they are always there for their "brothers". But some educated people are helpful too. They're not all bad...

[kristin18]

Sorry for the late update. I was hesitant to post this update because it meant that I had to recall the memories & it still hurt, a little, today. But it's not right for me to keep you guys hanging as well. So here it goes.

--

I reached the private clinic at 9:00am even though my appointment was at 9:30am. I hadn't had anything to eat for the whole morning because I was told to fast. I wasn't feeling hungry, but I was thirsty for sure. I loitered outside the clinic for awhile, & at 9:15am, I entered the clinic.

There were three or four middle-aged women behind the reception counter. One of them asked me what I was here for, & I responded that I had an appointment that morning at 9:30am. They immediately knew I was here for an abortion. They explained the procedure to me, explained the cost to me, took my blood pressure & weight, then passed me two medicines -- one was panadol for the pain relief, the other was an antibiotic. After all of that, I was asked to wait because the doctor wasn't in yet.

There was another Malay girl in the clinic as well. I deduced that she was also here for an abortion based on the conversation she had with the nurse/receptionist. A few others came into the clinic after me. I was surprised that there were, in total, five ladies who were there for an abortion. One was a China lady, one was an ah lian, one was a minah, one was me & the other was the Malay lady. The difference between me & them? They all had someone there to accompany them. I was alone. I texted H, who was still sleeping. She'd initially agreed to be with me on this day but I guess she'd overslept. Well, she wasn't obliged to accompany me anyway, so I decided to just gather all the courage I had to face this alone.

It was a long wait for the doctor. I was nervous, hungry, thirsty & cranky. I waited four hours for the doctor because he was caught up at the hospital. By the time it was my turn, H had already arrived (she forgot about the appointment & overslept but managed to be there in time because the clinic was near her place). The consultation with the doctor was a fast one. He asked some standard questions, then proceeded to do a quick ultrasound scan to confirm that I was indeed nine weeks pregnant. I saw my foetus for the second time. My heart broke a little inside. This time, when the doctor asked me if I wanted a photo of the ultrasound scan, I was quick to say no.

The doctor explained to me how the abortion would be carried out before I left his room. The nurses outside passed me two painkillers to take & asked me if I was going to go for local anaesthesia or general anaesthesia. General meant that I would be asleep throughout the whole procedure; local meant that I would be awake & conscious but I will be given a jab down under to make sure I don't feel pain. I asked the nurse whether being on local would be painful. She said the entire procedure would just feel like menses cramps, but I knew she was just trying to convince me that it wouldn't be painful. The nurse told me that if I were to go on GA, I would have to rest/sleep in the clinic for a good four hours or so before I could be well enough to go home. H told me she didn't want to wait so long for me. She asked me to go on LA instead.

H: "(to the nurse) Okay lah she will go on LA lah, no need to ask anymore. (to me) Quickly go up & get it done lah."

With nothing left to say, I made my way upstairs where the surgery would take place.

It was quite dark upstairs. There were two rooms -- one was the surgery room which looked somewhat like a dentist's room. The other was the "recovery room" where patients were to rest after the surgery before going home. The rest of the girls were already in the recovery room waiting. I chose a bed to lie down on while waiting for the doctor. This was the longest wait of my life. I shivered a little, unsure of what to expect. The rest of them looked calm as hell. Only the China girl looked as uneasy as I felt. (I learnt earlier that they were both China students & could not afford to get pregnant, hence an abortion was necessary)

I waited for half an hour. While the rest of the girls brought their phones up to use while waiting, I didn't know that we were allowed to so I left all my belongings downstairs with H. For the last time, I spoke to my baby. I put my hand to my tummy. "Baby, I know this is probably the worst decision I could ever make. Mummy knows that no matter how many times I apologise, it is not going to be enough. But that is all I can offer you as Mummy is not ready to keep you right now. Sorry baby........ Mummy is really sorry........."

My heart ached. I really just wanted to get this over & done with as soon as possible. The wait was killing me.

[rock hard]

hi Kristin,

sad story u have. I feel the pain, sob sob....

I swear, after reading your last post where u were talking to yr baby, it really felt sour n sore.

hope u get on well now. take good care.

[kristin18]

Amidst all the random PMs I've got asking me to club together, or to meet up for some fun, I have received PMs from some readers who have left me some really nice messages. Although I don't reply much, I do read them, so thank you for the endless encouragement =)

Before I continue with the story of what happened during the surgery, I just thought I'd share what's been happening lately.

K reappeared all of a sudden. Out of the blue, he liked one of my photos on Facebook. & it was the photo of me taken with a few kids (none of them my own, of course). Ever since we became friends on Facebook, there was never any interactions between us, except when I tagged him in a few party photos we took at the clubs. So I was obviously shocked when I saw that notification, but thought nothing of it anyway.

Then this morning, I woke up to a Facebook message from K. He requested for me to remove a photo on Facebook. That was a photo taken sometime back, when we were still close, before this whole shit happened, with just both of us in the picture (quite close actually). Many of his friends left comments like "you and your girlfriend look so cute in this photo". We ignored all the comments back then of course because we weren't even a couple.

But this morning he sent me a message saying that there was something about this photo that made him feel sort of uncomfortable deep in his heart, & asked if I could do him a favour by removing it.

I contemplated replying him with a "why should I?" or maybe something more spiteful like "so what if you feel uncomfortable? I don't care"....... Many different possible replies ran through my mind. I even wanted to update my status with something like "why should I care about how you feel about my photo(s) when you never ever cared about how I felt? & why should I listen to you or help/do you a favour when you want me to?" I was so, so angry. I couldn't concentrate on work at all. I thought about it for a long time, & ultimately decided to just ignore the message completely. There was no need to reply him, I figured.

But what happened this morning kind of dampened my spirits a little. Don't know why, & don't know how best to explain how I'm feeling either....... Just haven't been feeling too good ever since receiving his message this morning. Maybe it's just the anger that's making me feel moody........

[demonorc]

Look into the Future.. Dun Look back... We learn from the past and dwell into the past. :)

[BernardFrosty]

Dun fret over it...he isn't worth a sec of your emotion.

And if you really must reply. Just send him the same sad face that he sent you when you first told him abt your pregnancy.

[LovePotion]

look at the front... dont think back... the sun still rises.. the world wont stop turning just becos of us

[ColdBlood99]

hope you can walk out of the nightmare, i believe there will be someone in your life to lift you up when you are down.

take care

[unholymonk]

Hope you will be better;););)

[kristin18]

Continuing my story on the day of the surgery...........

Forty minutes later, the nurse finally came upstairs. She looked at all five of us before pointing to me, telling me "okay, you'll go first." I don't know if that was a good or bad thing, but I guess in a way it was good because I didn't need to wait anymore. The wait was really agonizing.

She led me to the surgery room. I didn't even need to take off my skirt, she just asked me to remove my underwear & lie down. My legs were spread open, & were resting on two "raised arms" (I don't know how to describe it). The nurse held down one of my legs, & the other one was tied to the "arm", probably to prevent me from moving/fidgeting & hence affecting the surgery.

This was when the fear really started to kick in. This was when I really wished I was on GA instead. It felt exactly like a scene from a drama serial, except that this was ten times more real. The doctor came in & got the surgical instruments ready. I stole a glance at the surgical instruments & I nearly fainted. Took many deep breaths & told myself to stay strong while I felt the touch of a cold metal surface at my vagina. I shivered a little. The nurse asked me to relax.

I suddenly felt a tug at my vagina. The doctor explained that he was just cleaning up my vagina, which meant that the actual procedure hadn't started yet. But I was already starting to feel slightly uncomfortable. A couple of minutes later, I felt a sharp pain -- this was the LA jab. Then the procedure started. There was something inserted in my vagina, but I didn't know what it was. Though my vision was not blocked, I could not bring myself to see anything. I closed my eyes throughout. The nurse reassured me that this whole thing would be over in five minutes.

A machine was turned on. This machine sounded exactly like that of a vacuum cleaner. No, it sounded scarier than that. & this machine was what was sucking my baby out of me. Up till today, I cannot forget how it sounded like. I felt my womb contract. I felt the most painful cramps any girl could ever go through. This wasn't menses cramps, this was nowhere near the pain of menses cramps. It was so painful that I couldn't even cry; I couldn't even make any noise. I can only remember repeating to myself "relax, take deep breaths, relax, take deep breaths". But nothing helped. By then I was shivering very badly. My whole body was quivering, I could hardly stay still & the nurse had to hold my legs down. Thinking I was cold, she got me something to cover myself with. But I wasn't cold. I was scared, & I was in so much pain.

"We're halfway there...... 50% done.......", said the doctor. I nearly passed out from the pain. It felt as if my uterus was being pulled at, tugged at, & squeezed very, very tightly.

"75% done.......", said the doctor. I wanted to reply him, but I couldn't. I couldn't form any words. I opened my mouth but nothing came out of it. I could only groan in pain. My breathing became uneven. I felt as if I wasn't in control of my own body anymore because it was reacting to the pain, & even though I kept trying to take steady, deep breaths, my body just wouldn't listen to me.

"90% done....... Just clearing the last bit & making sure that it is really empty.....", said the doctor. The pain increased in intensity. I felt like I was gonna die. After what seemed like eternity, the machine was turned off. I felt the surgical instrument leave my vagina. The nurse put on a pad which seemed somewhat like a diaper for me & helped me up. I was giddy, in a daze, & very weak. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the surgical instruments used & the contents of the dustbin. Very bloody. Very disturbing.

I forced my eyes away. Slowly put on my underwear. The nurse instructed me to rest in the recovery room & only make my way downstairs when I was feeling better. I staggered into the recovery room & collapsed on the bed, letting out soft groans of pain. I curled up onto the bed. The cramps were really bad. I couldn't even cry, as much as I wanted to. The other girls stared at me. I wanted to tell them that they made the right choice by going under GA. That was truly the longest five minutes of my life, ever.

I tossed & turned in pain for the next fifteen minutes before making my way downstairs, where I collapsed onto H. She asked me how was it, & I could only reply with one word: "pain". I guess at that point I should have been relieved that it was all finally over & my life could finally go back to normal, but even though the foetus was no longer inside me, there was still a dull ache in my heart that hadn't gone away........

[royalblood]

sad to hear your story sis. but nonetheless it's a good story. hope to read future updates on a happier note.

[saint_1979]

Hi Kristin,

I am very sad that you have chose this path.
Nothing that I could say now could change the history.

I believe time would heal your wound but you must not forget that moment.
Treasure yourself from today onwards.
Work hard to seek higher your education to get better job.
And meet a better bf that is worthy of you.

Should you have a steady bf and planning to settle down, do share the burden with him. Do not carry this gulit on your own.
In this way, your baby would be always been remembered and be loved by you and your loved ones.

Pray for your child's forgiven and treasure yourself in honouring your child.

Take good care of yourself.

[chrisong7878]

Your posting is more interesting than all the FRs I read here. Looking forward to read more

[jnudes]

K reappeared all of a sudden. Out of the blue, he liked one of my photos on Facebook. & it was the photo of me taken with a few kids (none of them my own, of course). Ever since we became friends on Facebook, there was never any interactions between us, except when I tagged him in a few party photos we took at the clubs. So I was obviously shocked when I saw that notification, but thought nothing of it anyway.

I closed my FB account since April 2010 and until today I did not make any presence of myself in this site. No regret till today. Even though I maybe friendless in my daily life I don't complain. The only thing that I know is now friends eat friends. Not all but most.

"90% done....... Just clearing the last bit & making sure that it is really empty.....", said the doctor. The pain increased in intensity. I felt like I was gonna die. After what seemed like eternity, the machine was turned off. I felt the surgical instrument leave my vagina. The nurse put on a pad which seemed somewhat like a diaper for me & helped me up. I was giddy, in a daze, & very weak. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the surgical instruments used & the contents of the dustbin. Very bloody. Very disturbing.

I don’t know what your religion is. I have seen some Thai movies about aborted babies coming back to haunt their natural blood mothers. Sorry I dun mean to scare you but if you believe in karma you should consult some priest or monk on ways to cleanse your abortion sin. This is what I would do if I am you. And this is just a humble opinion from me.



That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends -- nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.

There are many terms I would use; spare tyre, friends for benefits, selfish, useless, taking advantage, individualistic, etc. I had been there in your situation but my case was different. Unfortunately best friends can’t be really depended upon during your times in need, especially emergency and money related case. If you request there always will be excuses, and endless excuses. The worst is when they totally abandon and ignore you. That’s why I never bothered to have best friends after this. With or without friends are the same with me. And just because one has hundreds of friends in FB it does not mean all of them are real, genuine friends. There are cases where there are young adults getting suicide for real and even their FB friends could not save their lives. Well, that’s what Facebook friends are for, I think. Thank God you still alive today.

I tossed & turned in pain for the next fifteen minutes before making my way downstairs, where I collapsed onto H. She asked me how was it, & I could only reply with one word: "pain". I guess at that point I should have been relieved that it was all finally over & my life could finally go back to normal, but even though the foetus was no longer inside me, there was still a dull ache in my heart that hadn't gone away........

It will take some times to heal. I had been there as I had attempted suicide after broken up with my ex. If the doctor had not saved me I would have died already. Although as a guy I don’t fully understand how a pregnant lady feels, what I do know is this event may probably traumatize you for the rest of your life. Don’t you worry, you will recover someday. I am sure after this there are better things than partying and drinking? Why not get involved with new things like travelling, doing sports, yoga, cooking, etc? Good luck with your new choice and selection.

[<<totally>>]

No amount of words can make you feel better and helped you in anyway I guessed. I experienced something different but having pain as the common point. This pain came from mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Waiting for death seem to be the only thing that I actually hoped for everyday the moment I opened my eyes.

Somehow I managed to pull myself up and continued life. I kept those memories to remind me that I was once weak and foolish. I have realized that the only way to improve life is by staying alive. As long as I get to breath, I will retaliate whenever possible.

Do you think it will be better to keep those who have hurt you as far away as possible? If you are able to write it out, I believed that you have already got into recovery mode. Stay away from those who caused hurt as they will hinder your progress and never locked yourself away from those who cared for you.

Love is the better medicine for all wounds.

[PPGirl]

Love is the better medicine for all wounds.

*hugz* *hugz*

[onlyhuman]

I grimaced at the abortion procedure...you described...
You are a strong girl! :)

[MdmVodka]

Comforting words wouldnt be able to help but I hope a hug will make you feel better

*hugs*

And to those who add salt into her wound, dont farking tell me that you have never made a mistake. Shes brave enough to go through it. Just keep your comments to yourself

[gobal100]

take care and be strong. human will make mistake but don't make twice if we do that, we are really stupid noone else to blame but ourself. care for our body.

[kristin18]

Again, thanks for all the kind comments & PMs. Don't understand why there are still people who PM me asking me to go out for drinks though. =/

Well, it's been some time since the surgery. To say I have not been haunted by that incident would be a lie. I've had bad days where I imagine how I would be had I not aborted my baby. I still keep the picture of my ultrasound scan. Sometimes I look at it & wonder how my baby would look like. The scan was taken at eight weeks & by then, the foetus had already been formed.

My heart still aches sometimes & the guilt has never really left me. I've read that some people don't suffer from the guilt at all. But I do. I have said this many times but it's true that by nine weeks I'd already developed a strong connection with my baby. If I had the means to support my baby, I would have. But as it is, I am already struggling to make ends meet. I can't possibly bring my baby into this world to suffer with me. Some may question if it is fair that I don't even give my baby a chance to see the world. Some may argue that perhaps keeping my baby would have brightened up my life, even though I may have to struggle even more financially. Some may say that I'm too selfish, that I only think for myself & not for that life inside of me.

But what's done is done. I have paid the price for a crazy lifestyle I led. Till date all of this still feels sort of surreal. The kind of things that only happen in stories & movies. The kind of things you hear about on the streets. The "my friend's friend" kind of stories. I still can't believe it's happened to me.

The other day a friend of mine bumped into K (they knew each other through me). K wanted to meet up with me. I told my friend there was no way I was going to meet K anymore. Can't believe K had the audacity to tell me to meet up with him. He must have been out of his mind. I don't know if I can find it in me to forgive him, but I sure hope that someday I will find the strength to do so.

[georgemagnum]

Comforting words wouldnt be able to help but I hope a hug will make you feel better

*hugs*

And to those who add salt into her wound, dont farking tell me that you have never made a mistake. Shes brave enough to go through it. Just keep your comments to yourself

Well said!

gm

[sane]

I feel for u, gal. Did u hv a good mini confinement? Pls avoid cold drinks, "liang" food.

Take good care of your health, there's a hearsay saying that "1 abortion = 3 live delivery". Don't belittle the impact, it could affect your future to conceive and could increase the risk of miscarriages in future pregnancies so pls take good care of your health.

Human are full of emotions, once a mum, forever a mum. Even if u r a mum only for 1 day, u will still feel for your child. Moreover it's your first pregnancy.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Look at the shining stars at night, they are the angel babies n if fate allows, your angel will return to be be your bb when u r in a better position to give he/her a proper family. Move on and put your past behind you.

Meanwhile, Work hard for your future, take up more courses and see how far your potential goes.

Go for those who is sincere to be your friends. K is just pure disgusting and he is not even fit to be a man. Forget about A, forget about K. Start life afresh.

Save your best only for the one who deserve you. Sleep only with the man who truly cherish and treasure you, n really really loves you.

Find a man who loves you more than u love him. Only when we take ourselves seriously in life, people will take us seriously.

[sane]

As one female samster, Sane, once told me, I'm the type that does not think of the consequences when i do things .. i admit i shouldn't have did as what she said when she asked me to cum inside her... but it happened and we both paid a very high price for it... more of the emotional price than the financial burden.

Back to you, TS... not sure if we want you to write more or hope that your story ended well... but i think we really want to know you are doing ok.

Was so long like almost a yr ago u still rem what I've say :D

Actually I couldn't understand y both u n ur gal r doing it raw and to cum inside :confused: but at the very least, u r still a responsible man compared to that k jerk.

[michael_368]

Hi Kristin,

What is done cannot be undone now...I will leave you a few phases below and hope you can live a better & meaningful life for future.

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you, for they have reinforced your determination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you, for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you, for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,for they have taught you to be independent.

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble, for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those who have denounced you, for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

[flowbow]

I feel for u, gal. Did u hv a good mini confinement? Pls avoid cold drinks, "liang" food.

Take good care of your health, there's a hearsay saying that "1 abortion = 3 live delivery". Don't belittle the impact, it could affect your future to conceive and could increase the risk of miscarriages in future pregnancies so pls take good care of your health.

Human are full of emotions, once a mum, forever a mum. Even if u r a mum only for 1 day, u will still feel for your child. Moreover it's your first pregnancy.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Look at the shining stars at night, they are the angel babies n if fate allows, your angel will return to be be your bb when u r in a better position to give he/her a proper family. Move on and put your past behind you.

Meanwhile, Work hard for your future, take up more courses and see how far your potential goes.

Go for those who is sincere to be your friends. K is just pure disgusting and he is not even fit to be a man. Forget about A, forget about K. Start life afresh.

Save your best only for the one who deserve you. Sleep only with the man who truly cherish and treasure you, n really really loves you.

Find a man who loves you more than u love him. Only when we take ourselves seriously in life, people will take us seriously.

Hi Kristin,

What is done cannot be undone now...I will leave you a few phases below and hope you can live a better & meaningful life for future.

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you, for they have reinforced your determination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you, for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you, for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,for they have taught you to be independent.

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble, for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those who have denounced you, for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

Very well said by a senior samster and a senior samstress. I like. :)

[sane]

Very well said by a senior samster and a senior samstress. I like. :)

Tks sis flow but I v junior only :D hope to see ya soon...

[LovePotion]

salute u.. gain my respect... well said

[ringo]

Dear Kristin,

I want to thank you for sharing with us your story. I just read your entire thread, and I felt immense sadness for what you had gone through.

All of us make mistakes, but I think what you had gone through was a a heavy price. I hope that you are recovering well, both emotionally and physically.

I must also add that you have a gift for writing, and expressing yourself. So you should make the most of this gift.

And please, don't ever contemplate suicide again. Your life is too precious.

Do take care of yourself.

God bless!

[Forgot]

TS, life is precious, learn from your mistakes and move on from the lessons learnt. Never contemplate suicide for its the one thing that is the strongest ultimate form of escapism. Live life, learn from life, then you can learn to appreciate life, thus, love life ;)

[sjaa2013]

Hi Kristin, don't look back at the past. What is done cannot be undone.

Pain will go away as time passes.

And you still have the power and choice to live a better life.

Though, alot of people will says that you made a wrong choice but let me tell you, your life maybe worst of if you are not ready for the kid and the kid may not grow up a better person, then you will regret more.

Start you live anew as I believe that every woman deserve a man who truly love them as I believe that you are still very young.

[queeniegal]

Hi TS

Been reading your post on and off...

Hmmmm I reject to loan my friend money for abortions.
Cause I will feel sinful. As I don't want be part of the murderer for a life. Idk did I make the correct decision but apparently I rejected 3 friends of mine for that reason. Those gals does not talk to me anymore, but if that happen to my own sister I will also wont loan her money man... >.< maybe I'm really a cool blood lady.

My mum had an abortion 24 years ago due to her medical condition till to date she still feel the pain.

From your post you should be quite young, move on the past I'm sure you will get better! Every wrong steps we took or decision will make us tougher!

Love yourself! You deserve a better job, better guy and better life.. Keep on working to forge a better life ok!

Good luck gal!

[AssLover]

Dear Kristin, there are people who can help you and get you ack on track. It is a sad tale but things happen in life and we need to move on. Do not give up hope you are young and the way you write it looks like you are educated. Find a job and start fresh.....

[wells]

The radiologist then attached a piece of paper to my report, stating that there was a possibility that my pregnancy was an ectopic one. For those who don't know what is an ectopic pregnancy, it means that the foetus is not inside my womb but inside my fallopian tubes instead. An ectopic pregnancy cannot be kept because the baby cannot grow inside the tube. The tube will burst when the foetus grows & this could be dangerous for the mother.

I spoke to another close girlfriend about what had happened (I'll name her E from here on). E told me her experience when she was previously pregnant. She revealed to me that hers was an ectopic pregnancy. Menses-like cramps were normal, but her cramps were at the side. She didn't think much of it, not until one day the pain got so terrible & she had to be rushed to the hospital for an operation. She had to remove one of her fallopian tubes because of this, & it would be difficult for her to get pregnant in future. She told me to be careful -- if I felt pain at my side, I should go back to the hospital immediately.

QUOTE]

"ectopic pregnancy" for those bro and sis intend to have baby, please be careful during the first stage of pregnancy, During the scan, no sight of foetus does not not mean too small to see and ignore if its safe.

Its a very painful for the mother. This happened to my sis-in law and worst the pain stuck her at JB custom when coming back. Traffic jam like fuck. Its certainly a very painful endurance as one side of the fallopian tube was ruptured. Emergency operation at KK hospital to cut away one side of the tube and mother has to suffer 3 keyholes at the stomach area.

I was the driver that time, my bro calling for help no use and nobody entertains us during the jam. Reach SG custom still have to Q up. knn think back really like fuc.

[georgemagnum]

I feel for u, gal. Did u hv a good mini confinement? Pls avoid cold drinks, "liang" food.

Take good care of your health, there's a hearsay saying that "1 abortion = 3 live delivery". Don't belittle the impact, it could affect your future to conceive and could increase the risk of miscarriages in future pregnancies so pls take good care of your health.

Human are full of emotions, once a mum, forever a mum. Even if u r a mum only for 1 day, u will still feel for your child. Moreover it's your first pregnancy.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Look at the shining stars at night, they are the angel babies n if fate allows, your angel will return to be be your bb when u r in a better position to give he/her a proper family. Move on and put your past behind you.

Meanwhile, Work hard for your future, take up more courses and see how far your potential goes.

Go for those who is sincere to be your friends. K is just pure disgusting and he is not even fit to be a man. Forget about A, forget about K. Start life afresh.

Save your best only for the one who deserve you. Sleep only with the man who truly cherish and treasure you, n really really loves you.

Find a man who loves you more than u love him. Only when we take ourselves seriously in life, people will take us seriously.


Very well said, SS.
Applause ......

gm

[shinnz]

Take care. My prayers go out to you. I know nothing will erase history, but your future is in your own hands to build something out of. The worst is over, you can only get better.

[kristin18]

Really touched by all the encouraging comments. I know I say this in every post but I never thought I'd be able to find solace in a sex forum but it's heartwarming to see that there are so many forumers who have so much care & concern to offer. Thank you all so much. Believe it or not, I read my PMs & the words of encouragement posted in this thread regularly, especially so when I think about my baby & am feeling down. I don't delete any of my PMs. Reading them always warms my heart over & over again. =)

Some updates on what's been happening:

Sometime back I attended a friend's birthday gathering at one of the clubs. I thought I was safe since that club wasn't one of K's regular haunts. Little did I expect to see him there. This was the first time I'd seen him in months. Almost half a year, I think. The moment I saw him I was too stunned to react. I don't know if what happened after that was because of the alcohol but I threw myself at him & gave him a hug. He hugged me back as well, but there was some sort of uncertainty in his eyes. I don't know exactly what look it was, but it sure didn't seem that he was unhappy to see me. I think he expected me to hate him & beat him up when I saw him....... But strangely I didn't feel that way. All I can say is I immediately thought of my baby, our baby, & there was an unexplainable discomfort in my heart.

I needed some fresh air so I stepped out for a smoke. Tears welled up in my eyes. I really cannot explain in words why I felt this way. Maybe seeing him reminded me of what had happened, seeing him brought back the pain of having to kill my child, our child. Or maybe it's something else, but I just can't put into words the reason for the ache that coursed through my body. Did I miss him? I don't know. But I think I'd developed some feelings for him solely because of the baby. Solely because the baby that grew inside me for two months was a product of him & me. Does this make sense? Oh god. I don't think I'm making any sense. In any case, it hurt like fuck. It hurt like fuck for the whole night. Forgive me for I cannot explain well the strange feeling that overcame me when I saw K.......

I took a deep breath & told myself to bravely face up to it. This was the first step I had to take in order to move on. I went back in. K & I caught up for a bit. We asked each other about our lives, but it was awkward in a way. We had to avoid that topic that I'm sure was on both our minds the whole time. I'd like to think that we were both sad & sorry about what happened.

When I was about to leave, I told K that I was going off soon & told him to take care. We embraced each other again & K told me, "what's passed is past. Let's put it all behind us. From now on, we're friends, yes?" I smiled & nodded my head. I didn't know how I felt then. I didn't know how to feel.

For those who are wondering, yes, I still do think of my baby. More often than I would wish to. I'm still haunted by the guilt at times & as I'm typing this, there's a dull ache in my heart & a lump in my throat. I don't know how long it will take for me to completely recover from this emotionally, but I know that even if I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, I truly deserve it. =(

[tomabcde8]

Sis, everybody's been in deep shit someplace sometime, the most important thing is to be able to stand up again, there's still people around you who care, so be brave and live your life to the fullest. :)

[sunshine666]

I just read all ten pages of this thread!

It was a well written story. Thank you for sharing.

Assuming it is 100% true, TS, you really can get a better job. If you need help, I offer my services. :p

[DraGor]

Finally completed. All the best TS

[DrunkTeddy]

Fantastic job TS :)

[UnitTrusts]

I'm sorry to hear of your experience. Nobody deserves to be knocked up and then left alone to deal with the shit that comes along with it.

It may not be relevant for me to say this now as I assume K is probably out of your life entirely (I certainly hope so), but I just wanna tell you, he's a fucking coward. If you and him were in your early teens, I could at least understand (but not agree) of his chickening out. However, he's in his 30's and he should have known better. He could have had at the very least offer you advice or support (both emotional and financial). To say he's a coward is a mere understatement.

Look, IMO, his saying of "what's past is past let's put it behind us we'll still be friends blah blah" all that bullshit is just something that smells completely of selfishness. Why? Because he is still using a coward's way of making HIMSELF feel better. To put an end to his disgusting deed. Because seriously, how is any of that any solace to you in any way? Am I right?

Now, moving forward, I sincerely hope you find yourself moving away from clubbing or by your own definition, "crazy lifestyle", and allow yourself a new experience or direction. It helps. I am a guy but I'm speaking from experience (minus being knocked up). Clubbing was an avenue for me to numb my then misery but it also created a lot of blind spots I couldn't at that time check properly. I realised at the end, if I needed solace, I shouldn't have sought for it in chaos. I don't know how much this will mean to you but I'm just happy if you seen my writing this down.

Also, even though I don't personally know you, and as much as I could have gotten out from your sharing, my gut tells me your calibre deserves a much better paying job. Adapt a new focus in your life and the time you use working towards it will help a lot. It really does. Not only you spend lesser time thinking of unnecessary guilt or feeling sorry for yourself (I did), the new environment also had a therapeutic "clean slate" effect for me. To add more credibility and hopefully confidence in you, I myself was a diploma drop out due to attendance issue. But I'm doing good right now because I'm not stupid just because I didn't get that paper. I still get paid according to my performance. :)

Lastly, my suggestion is if you need a closure of sorts, regardless of your religion belief, maybe you'd like to conduct a "send-away" ritual (超度) for your unborn baby. I know of an authentic religious man who does this monthly for all spirits still on this earth. Many people go to him because of his kind heart and spiritual affinity to perform such ritual. He can help bring your unborn child to a better place. That's probably what you can do for yourself and the foetus, I guess.

I realise this is a long post and I just hope it brings some encouragement and also hopefully helpful suggestions to you. You deserve more than better. :)

[bloggert]

Thanks kristin. Somehow you're story reminds me of this song:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nNnk9eDDnw

[henabi]

TS, your story reminded me of my events with my wife-to-be about 7yrs ago.

We were only 3months into our relationship and of course, we had unprotected sex and she got pregged. She was the one she suggested the abortion as we were too you g and I was still serving NS with a fucking miserable $450/month allowance.

Both of us were terribly sad about it...

Tbh, till today, we still talked about "what if we kept Jovier at that time? Right now he would probably be in Pri One Liao...."
And our eyes would be teary...

But what done is done... Be strong TS. I am delighted that you are able to find comfort in SBF ^.^

[Bigbluebird]

It's very nice to read such personal life stories, TS you have opened our eyes to the side of how women feel in such situation :)

[kristin18]

It's been a long time since I logged into the forum, & I'm glad to still see very kind messages in my inbox. Every time I log into the forum I anticipate reading the nice messages left behind by some very kind bros out here. =)

Hmm...... Just a short update on what's been happening.

According to K's Facebook, he is now in a relationship & also has a newborn daughter :confused: donno how this sounds to you guys but it sure sounds like a mess to me :confused: anyway, not that it bothered me much, though I did think that it wasn't fair that he did the same thing to someone else but that someone else got the chance to keep his baby while I didn't.

I still keep the photo of my foetus' ultrasound scan in my wallet. I bring it around with me wherever I go. 3 of my closest girlfriends know about this incident & when I show them the photo from time to time, the first question they ask me is "throw away already lah, why you still keep?"

Honestly, I donno how to answer them. I think this is sth they really cannot understand. Even IF I do throw the photo away (which will probably never happen), I am not able to erase the memory from my mind. & besides, the photo is the only thing I have left of my very first child. The child that I unfortunately couldn't keep. If I had kept my baby, I would be 6 months pregnant now, & would soon be entering my 3rd trimester. I can't say I have completely let go coz I know there is still a wound in my heart that's yet to heal. In a way I still feel like there's a part of me missing, that the day I went for the surgery was the day I had a part of me removed. Nothing's the same anymore. Babies & pregnancies are now a sensitive topic to me.

I donno if my future partner will be able to accept this part of my past. I know I could just tell him that I aborted my ex bf's baby because we were just too young at that time. I know I don't have to tell him the exact truth that the baby was a product of a ONS. To me, it's a harmless white lie coz to be honest, I don't think any sane guy would be able to accept the truth if I presented it as it really is.

& the worst thing is I am afraid that it may be difficult for me to give birth again in future.

As for K, I can't say I still hate him. I donno how I feel towards him now. Maybe a part of me has forgiven him but a part of me still holds a grudge towards him. I know it is better for me to let go -- not just of my grudge towards him, but rather to let go of everything related to this incident -- but it's really easier said than done. I've tried to move on but I can't help thinking of this incident from time to time.

Moving on is really not easy. It's been 4 months since the surgery. Somehow I still wish that things had turned out differently.


--

Edit: Call this a coincidence or what, but 34 minutes ago, K just posted 7 photos of his newborn baby. I think the baby was just born today. My heart feels a little sour and uneasy after seeing the photos.

[papereleven]

TS, good to see that you are moving on, albeit slowly. Nevertheless it is still progress.

I won't say that I understand your situation, since I am not you nor have experiences similar to yours. But I have to say, when you do find the right guy, he will not mind any past blemishes in your past. Sounds extremely naive, yes, but nonetheless, I have seen it happen.

As for your potential difficulty in giving birth, it doesn't mean that you can't bear a child. If all else fails, there is the option of adoption.

Regarding the issue of closure, I will echo UnitTrusts' suggestion of having a 超度 ritual for the unborn child. This will definitely be an option you might wish to consider.

Lastly, do be strong.

[deludedgal]

Take care TS.

[chatlovers]

TS, well like many others said why worry about K. Specially after knowing that he had been impregnating ladies freely. In fact you were not the first one he impregnated.

I believe you will get over this n feel better when u will become mother in d future.
Hope u find someone responsible n caring in your life soon.

[hunted]

Sis. Sometimes thats life. I do regret now that me and my then gf had to go for an abortion. Time to time I do think "what if". Its very normal but life to do go on.