Giving up 'Love' to the one I love

[WIBlack]

I guess everyone will give love to their love ones. Especially their immediate partners and spouses.

Ever since my spouse got interested in a PRC woman, although he said they are just friends, things are different from before I found out about it.

I have been trying to change myself (I believe my old attitude contributed to his new found of interest), try to dress up and be a good spouse, looking after family, but there is always this thing which I do not seem to get from him even though I told him I realised I love him very much and try to give him as much, that is LOVE.

I know, I have to give him time to adjust the the matter of fact that he still chooses family over his 'friend' but I cannot seem to trust him much anymore, since I have been hurt.

I do think it's time for me to move on to pay attention in other areas and try not to show anymore affection to him as I will feel hurt if he never return a hug or just simple kiss. Yes, I will still perform my duty as a wife, but it's just the determination of giving up to give him much love than before. Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.

[2centsworth]

Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.

I think a lot of guys will volunteer to teach you how to be better in bed. You might be getting a lot of PMs soon. There is nothing offensive about your posts so no apologies are needed.

I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination. Problems will definitely arise from time to time and as long as both parties do not give up on continuing this journey, there is still hope. He chose the family. Do you have kids? Perhaps when he chose the family, he is choosing to stay on for the kids rather than for you.

What does he see in you before marriage? What is it that he loves about you before marriage? Is it possible for you to revert to that winning formula? Do you still 'Sa Jiao' (flirt) from time to time? Do you still dress up? Do other men still ogle at you?

[see see only]

............ I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination.


Basically .... (cant really put what i wanted to say in words :D but i try ... wahahahaa)

We are taught by parents, friends or in the movie or tv series .... on the advance from friends to courtship, romantic stuffs, sweet talks, concern, support, etc .... before marriage

.... up to marriage proposal with fireworks, lovely rose petals lay in a heart shape, huge diamond ring etc etc .... ;)

Finally complete with a beautiful wedding dinner, fantastic honeymoon ……… then end of story – AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER ???????? :rolleyes:


But HOW TRUE that marriage means "happily ever after"…. And who in the world will educate us on the behavior after marriage …. Is OURSELVES….(or maybe marriage consultants when things go out of hand – which would be a bit too late by then) So how many of us will self-discipline and constantly tell ourselves off with our increasing demands against our partner without our partners complaining????? For most of us ... we will usually just take their partners for granted :o


But TS … don’t be dishearten …... From now on, start to love your spouse a little bit more each day, and remember the REAL loving feeling for our partners should starts after marriage but not only before.

[5ag1_Boar]

When I had a mistress, my then wife (now ex-wife, and mistress also gone) did try to win me back by being more loving like you. I can tell you I felt disgusted by her actions... trying to be extra lovey dovey, etc. I actually involuntarily recoil from her touch. She try to cook my favourite instant noodles for me once... I can remember feeling sian and thinking "why are you doing this now?" She does not know how to cook proper meals... so it felt kinda contrived I guess.

OK, that probably made you more depress and discouraged. That's not my purpose. I just want to tell you that it will NOT be easy to win back your man. I want to tell you how it feels from the guys point of view, so you are prepared and you hopefully can do better than my ex did.

I definitely hurt her a lot when I rejected her advances.

At that point, I had an exciting relationship with my mistress and I was giddy with all the positive feelings. It's hard to walk away from that and come back to something that has been sliding downhill for a long time. It's not going to be overnight success.

I believe you can still win your man back, but you must know that it will take a long time... months maybe even years. But what you need is patience and persistence.

If you suddenly try to be extra loving, touchy, kissy, huggy he might reject, or at least, don't feel like it. He won't be returning signs of affection any time soon. That heat and passion is gone now... and it can reignite without preparation, like a real fire.

What I think you can do, is to continue to make yourself attractive, without overtly making advances on him. Like dressing nicer, sexier (not slutty). It will also make yourself feel better about yourself... but if you really want an intact family, please reject the guys who will start to pay attention to you. Hopefully, he will start to see your attractiveness again.

Side note, at that point, whenever I see my ex nude or near nude (like when changing in the morning for work) I would only see the flaws. So I suggest that you should avoid being naked around him. Does not mean you change in a different room... that's too obvious, but be in lingerie that plays up your assets. Around the house don't walk around in old shorts and t-shirts. But wear nice subtly sexy stuff. Not sure how to explain, but for example, instead of wearing loose old shorts, wear fitting shorts that hug your butt in a nice but not slutty way (if you have a nice butt). At home, be groomed. No need to make up all that. But make sure you brush your hair etc and look presentable.

Contrast for you. My fiancee has far from the perfect body, but when I see her nude I do not see her flaws. I am concious of them, but it does not bother me... and I think it is because I love and respect her. So point is, you are in a very different situation now.

Also go and get "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You can likely get it at the library, else buy from the bookshops. It will explain a lot of things about love.

Have to run off for meeting. May add on more if I think of anything. Feel free to ask questions here or PM me.

[WIBlack]

Thanks for your advice, bro.

No way I am going to entertain them if they are asking for sex favors.

I suppose it's due to kids and current comfortable life that he wants to stick around. It may be true that he is only friends with that woman, but how many PRC women who work here are keen to look for opposite sex as friends only, not for money?

I am changing my dress sense and start to dress lesser after losing some weight. I am just an average looking person, so I have to take extra effort to groom myself.


I think a lot of guys will volunteer to teach you how to be better in bed. You might be getting a lot of PMs soon. There is nothing offensive about your posts so no apologies are needed.

I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination. Problems will definitely arise from time to time and as long as both parties do not give up on continuing this journey, there is still hope. He chose the family. Do you have kids? Perhaps when he chose the family, he is choosing to stay on for the kids rather than for you.

What does he see in you before marriage? What is it that he loves about you before marriage? Is it possible for you to revert to that winning formula? Do you still 'Sa Jiao' (flirt) from time to time? Do you still dress up? Do other men still ogle at you?

[WIBlack]

Bro, I never believe in 'happily ever after' since I am an average looking person and I was ever told that I am lucky that there is a guy who wants to marry me! Marriage is an ongoing learning journey with buying and financing a house together, then kids come in, both of us need to work with everything thrown in. Also not to forget trying to be respectful and mindful about both sets of our parents, siblings, relatives and so on.

But I was naive enough that once a couple got married, it will be 'till death part us'. No such thing anymore with current change in the world and people, everything.

Consultation? Yes, maybe for myself, to tell myself not to be so paranoid, time to let go bit by bit and stop thinking he will come back. Just stay myself and look at bright side of my situation.

I just need to try and think for a man's point of view and see how I can work on from all your views. If all fail, then that will be just my fate and I will still feel happier as I really did try hard before giving up.

But HOW TRUE that marriage means "happily ever after"…. And who in the world will educate us on the behavior after marriage …. Is OURSELVES….(or maybe marriage consultants when things go out of hand – which would be a bit too late by then) So how many of us will self-discipline and constantly tell ourselves off with our increasing demands against our partner without our partners complaining????? For most of us ... we will usually just take their partners for granted :o


But TS … don’t be dishearten …... From now on, start to love your spouse a little bit more each day, and remember the REAL loving feeling for our partners should starts after marriage but not only before.

[WIBlack]

Bro, no, never depressed reading your this statement. I know I cannot try too hard, but in order to win him back, sometimes we women do think of trying all we can just to grab our men's hearts back in our hands. It's rather wrong since the men's heart and thoughts are no longer with us but with the other women, they are just to engross into the new found interests.

But after some a while, when reality sets in, I do think that will the new found interests be able to stand and accept the men's habits, the way they talk and the way they slip back into normal life? It is not easy to be married couples.

I am sorry to hear about you and your ex wife, because I hope this is not the future I will get to. However, thanks for your advice for reminding me not to get overboard with my 'tries'. I will bear them in mind.

Even if he really wants to get away from me, I am now at the stage of willing to accept it but just sort things out amicably, especially with the kids. I do not think he is in the stage where he is ready to marry that woman, just that he is a bit overwhelmed by her sweet voice and talk, and most probably prettier look, figure.

Definitely changing my style of dressing, attitude, manners with family members and trying to improve my skills, but not in slutty style. I am just trying to look forward ahead and yet cannot put down this past experience to rest when he is not really into me.

OK, that probably made you more depress and discouraged. That's not my purpose. I just want to tell you that it will NOT be easy to win back your man. I want to tell you how it feels from the guys point of view, so you are prepared and you hopefully can do better than my ex did.

[Ichigo_Kurosaki]

i am changing my dress sense and start to dress lesser after losing some weight. I am just an average looking person, so i have to take extra effort to groom myself.

Definitely changing my style of dressing, attitude, manners with family members and trying to improve my skills, but not in slutty style. I am just trying to look forward ahead and yet cannot put down this past experience to rest when he is not really into me.

美妙"事业线"开启幸(性)福人生 ;)

Joke aside, fighting fire with fire is not always the most effective strategy. You gotto look beyond the most desirable qualities of your enemy cos she might not possess the qualities you have ;) The concept of these PRC foxes being the perfect picture of absolute feminism is so deep etched into many of our fellow bros that they rarely try to find the true personalities of these foxes they are seeing. ;)

There are ways to turn men into marshmallow but I took an oath to Adam (and still take that oath very seriously.) that I will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of The Brotherhood of Men thus not convienent to share :D

[Kaltit]

Wow TS,

First of all i would really reallyl ike to compliment you on being such an amazing person for looking inwards as your first choice of action. And i am definitely very sorry to hear that.

Though please do take note that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore, it's simply the need for various partners, blame it on DNA if you want. Sometimes he just needs something new.

Either way, please do continue to love yourself, that's the only way you could, and would be able to still enjoy something with your spouse! While in a self loving state, you might wanna be improving yourself, whether it's outlook, inner self, knowledge, interest, whatever it might be, find the confidence again. Your spouse will notice it.

And to some extend, i'm sure it's the lack of intimacy due to whatever reason, and that his 'friend' is more of a 'convenient intimacy that he seeks'.

Brace on!!! :D

[hickeybites]

Dear TS,
Am sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone & every couple deals with the issue differently & what I'm about to say is based on my personal experience/ observation & my 2c.
Just to let you know that you're not alone & hopefully all things will come to a resolution that you will be at peace with.

I have to agree with bro 5ag1_Boar. Personally I feel & found out that it's rather futile to try with all your might when your spouse's heart is not with you.
The effort of restoring a cracked marriage can only work when both parties' hearts & minds are in it. When either the husband or the wife is enamored with a 3rd party and the cheated spouse knows about this, any efforts to win back the "strayer" comes across as trivial or even worse - desperate.
(If the affair is still a secret, that is another story...& has its own sets of issues...)

My personal exp: when my spouse strayed, it took him a long time to totally break it off with the other lady. During that period of time, it was hell of earth for not only me but our immediate families & friends too. Initially, I was torn between giving our marriage a second chance vs just calling it quits.
Ultimately, I realized this -- as much as I love my spouse & am willing to forgive, I respected myself & my kid much more than to hang onto to a shell of a marriage.
As such I cordially invited spouse & the other lady out to calmly gave them my blessings & asked for a separation.
[According to my spouse, it was at that time that he realized that he was definitely going to lose me and he "woke up".
Still, the road back to reconciliation was super rough. It didn't help that the other lady was hell-bent on making sure that he divorced me.]

Honestly the year++ of separation did me & my spouse both a lot of good & during that time, we both grew & matured a lot albeit separately.
And it was during this time of solitude that I really reflected on myself & my own shortcomings and how my actions may have pushed my spouse away.
I therefore committed to personal changes because I wanted to be a better woman & a wife -- not just to save marriage because that would not make the changes permanent.
We are still married now & the lady has not been in the picture for a long time. We've both forgiven each other & things are definitely better now.
Still everything is work in progress, and who knows what else may crop up... But at least both spouse & I are on the same page of working on marriage together.
(i.e. going for couple counselling, being upfront if the lady contacts either him or me, being as transparent as we can about our feelings etc)

I'm NOT saying that this should be used as an ultimatum.. I did so because I was ready to walk away.
I'm not saying that I didn't want to try, but I also saw little chance of my efforts bearing fruit whilst my spouse still continues to be with the other person.
Love cannot be won, it has to be given on one's own accord.
Cracks to a marriage cannot be repaired by one's efforts to win, wine & dine the other... sadly the other may just be turned off / 反感.

I know that I'm blessed & was super lucky that I had the means & support to leave & pick up the pieces on my own as best as I could.
You may have your own situation & your own reasons to continue to stay. All I can advise is to be strong & not to over-give/ over-compensate / over-lavish.
Be a better woman for yourself; winning your spouse over with changes would be the happy-by-product and not the ultimate goal.

Take care.

[36F-23-36]

Yes, u must defend your position as the female owner of the household..

Let him play lah, when he is tired, he will eventually return..

If he returns home everyday, contribute to household & care for u n kids, then he consider quite responsible liao..

U b confident …& attractive, remember be gentle to him to attract him back .

No point quarrel or black face to him, this will only push him further away..

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol

[thaivisitor]

I guess everyone will give love to their love ones. Especially their immediate partners and spouses.

Ever since my spouse got interested in a PRC woman, although he said they are just friends, things are different from before I found out about it.

I have been trying to change myself (I believe my old attitude contributed to his new found of interest), try to dress up and be a good spouse, looking after family, but there is always this thing which I do not seem to get from him even though I told him I realised I love him very much and try to give him as much, that is LOVE.

I know, I have to give him time to adjust the the matter of fact that he still chooses family over his 'friend' but I cannot seem to trust him much anymore, since I have been hurt.

I do think it's time for me to move on to pay attention in other areas and try not to show anymore affection to him as I will feel hurt if he never return a hug or just simple kiss. Yes, I will still perform my duty as a wife, but it's just the determination of giving up to give him much love than before. Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.
In order to attract your spouse back to you, is to be attractive to others, not to him. You don't really have to be unfaithful to him, so to speak. Just be attractive.

That means, start wearing more attractive clothings (even sexy) to work, if you're working. Start going out with girlfriends (don't let him know who) but dress and make yourself even more attractive like going out for a date.

Sooner or later, he start to feel a little suspicious and even jealous, and start paying more attention to you.

If he doesn't, then it may be time to really find another prospective husband.

[sgjoey]

TS...

If it's any consolation, know that humans normally exhibit non-monogamous behaviour, so what happened in your case is not really anything new. It has happened in the past, is happening to many others right now, and will continue to happen to others in the future.

Because we have been indoctrinated from young that monogamy is normal, most people find it very difficult to accept it when their loved ones behave otherwise. The result is a rising divorce rate and the break up of families and much heartache on all sides.

But it really need not be that way. It's difficult to change a mindset, but if you can manage to get over the "monogamy is normal" mode of thinking, there could just be some light at the end of the tunnel. You do not have to force your husband to choose between you or the other woman. As long as your husband still fulfills his responsibilities, it may not be wise to be confrontational.

After a time, he may, or he may not, show a renewed interest in you, but the marriage could still survive if no drastic action is taken by either party. In the meanwhile, know that you are also free to pursue your own inclinations.

Good luck.

[Macktan]

...I was told marriage is a journey and not a destination.

Hmmm probabbly from Aerosmith's Amazing.:D

[justawife]

I know that I'm blessed & was super lucky that I had the means & support to leave & pick up the pieces on my own as best as I could.
You may have your own situation & your own reasons to continue to stay. All I can advise is to be strong & not to over-give/ over-compensate / over-lavish.
Be a better woman for yourself; winning your spouse over with changes would be the happy-by-product and not the ultimate goal.

Take care.

Wow, thanks for sharing.. it must have been a difficult period but if you pull it through you will probably have a great lasting marriage than before... All the best! :)

[justawife]

I know, I have to give him time to adjust the the matter of fact that he still chooses family over his 'friend' but I cannot seem to trust him much anymore, since I have been hurt.

I do think it's time for me to move on to pay attention in other areas and try not to show anymore affection to him as I will feel hurt if he never return a hug or just simple kiss. Yes, I will still perform my duty as a wife, but it's just the determination of giving up to give him much love than before. Maybe I have to know a few FLs and ask them how they can perform/lie when they do not love their customers and yet still try to milk vit M from them with the words of Love.

I am sorry if I offend any bros here, but I just want to share how I feel about the guy I thought is right for me and yet it is not, due to the power of LOVE.

I also feel like you, am afraid to initiate sometimes cos cannot take rejection... but the thing is really cannot underestimate the power of PRCs leh...

[justawife]

Side note, at that point, whenever I see my ex nude or near nude (like when changing in the morning for work) I would only see the flaws. So I suggest that you should avoid being naked around him.



Hmm... good to see things from this perspective. Basically, its like you already buay song someone, even if that someone do nothing, you also feel irritated...

[WIBlack]

Dear Bros and Sisters,

Thanks for your sharing, encouragement and advice.

This is what I have learned, to make people change for better, we have to change ourselves to influence them to change. This sentence has been there for long time hanging around me till this ultimate case which really make me get down to doing it.

Sis hickeybites, I really think you are strong. Yes, I am glad you manage to have your husband back into your family life, and that he is loving and open up to you more. I do not have your strength to even call that woman even though I know she is back into Singapore. I can only hope she is unable to find a job and eventually leave our country and won't be back.

I am willing to let him go (to save further), if not for other commiments we have. But he is the one who is not letting go yet as I am sure life will be more uncertain and messy if he chooses the PRC. Not forgetting how his own parents/siblings hate PRC women like her. Yes, it can be due to DNA too, if he has it in his body that he loves to look at curvy well looking women and will get hard on by looking, but in life, we are unable to have everything if we are just normal folks.

Bro Sgjoey, he may have give up on this woman, but who knows, years later or maybe even now, he may be hooking up with other women/ different women. People say life is short, but I find it is long. Imagine being his wife if 10years/ 20years/ 30years down the road he is always flirting with women, I don't know how I can stand it, even now for a matter of a few months period. I am selfish, I guess. But I won't want him to be 'friends' with these sort of PRC women who can snatch him away from us when we know their agendas are mainly $$.

I don't trust other outside men anymore, and I am still not trusting him much. I will panic if he says he is working late or going out with friends, because I will be thinking, he is meeting her and getting happy endings, maybe even book cheap hotel to have it all with her. Its a fight within my mind to stay calm, let him be and think of my own activities and family members more than what he is doing when he is coming back late.

Now, its more of self assurance and battle to fight mindset to think logic and not wild thinking.

Nevertheless, I thank all for your insides/ advice and sharings. Bless all!

[Botakhead]

Communication is the strongest link in any marriage, be it just small talks to lovey sweet nothings, never leave a marriage without clear cut right to the bottom of the heart talk with each other. Of course counselling is the next best thing to get the right 3rd party to clear things out between the couple.
But I've got a friend (female), after counselling, she fell for the counsellor and ended up in divorce and remarried the counsellor. Strange but it did happened.
So whatever the outcome, everything must be clear to each other. Remember not to push your luck too far and too fast.
Wishing you and all the sister with the same situations a happy life forever.:)

[Apocalypse]

Do u want to hire a mechanic to take the PRC
Friend out? d

[sane]

Some wives whom after marriage fell into the daily routine of family n kids, wanting to do every single little things in the house, the kids , the housework like a super woman while the husband try to help, they will hiam this, hiam that, not up to their expectations then complain they never do and blah blah blah...nag nag nag....

Some took on child popping as their second career without even considering whether they have the financial means, the time to cope. While some are lucky to lose the excess fat, the unfortunate ones are stuck with the lumps. With the hormone changes, no figure, mood swing, no time for the hb, no time for themselves, it is not difficult to understand why do the hb seek solace outside.

When you jio them out for exercise/kopi/dinner/shopping, they will always say not free, nobody look after kids while their hb can go for nightly entertainment, "business trips", drinks with buddies etc.

When the hb start to stray, they will start to sit up.

It doesn't harm or kill to let the hb to look after the kids for 2hrs a week, it doesn't kill to find a caregiver to look after the kids once/twice a month while go par-tok with the hb, it is definitely not selfish to have some "me-time". Let the kids have a chance to bond with their father/grandparents too. Take a break.

Life does not end after marriage, spouse is part and not everything in life. There are still so many things to do in life.

There are still family time with your parents, siblings, friendships to catch up with, things that u ever want to do, new hobbies/skills to learn, go for the holiday. explore the country that u always want to go..

Only when u r independent, u have your own life, u show that you are not afraid to lose and walk away, u will gain back the lost respect. For losing a great spouse, it's their loss, not yours!

Why do you want to spend time mopping for someone whose heart is not at home? You have only 1 life, tt's it. Life is indeed short. Start to live life only for yourself. Because only when u start to love yourself, then u can only start to love others.

[heye]

When I had a mistress, my then wife (now ex-wife, and mistress also gone) did try to win me back by being more loving like you. I can tell you I felt disgusted by her actions... trying to be extra lovey dovey, etc. I actually involuntarily recoil from her touch. She try to cook my favourite instant noodles for me once... I can remember feeling sian and thinking "why are you doing this now?" She does not know how to cook proper meals... so it felt kinda contrived I guess.

OK, that probably made you more depress and discouraged. That's not my purpose. I just want to tell you that it will NOT be easy to win back your man. I want to tell you how it feels from the guys point of view, so you are prepared and you hopefully can do better than my ex did.

I definitely hurt her a lot when I rejected her advances.

At that point, I had an exciting relationship with my mistress and I was giddy with all the positive feelings. It's hard to walk away from that and come back to something that has been sliding downhill for a long time. It's not going to be overnight success.

I believe you can still win your man back, but you must know that it will take a long time... months maybe even years. But what you need is patience and persistence.

If you suddenly try to be extra loving, touchy, kissy, huggy he might reject, or at least, don't feel like it. He won't be returning signs of affection any time soon. That heat and passion is gone now... and it can reignite without preparation, like a real fire.

What I think you can do, is to continue to make yourself attractive, without overtly making advances on him. Like dressing nicer, sexier (not slutty). It will also make yourself feel better about yourself... but if you really want an intact family, please reject the guys who will start to pay attention to you. Hopefully, he will start to see your attractiveness again.

Side note, at that point, whenever I see my ex nude or near nude (like when changing in the morning for work) I would only see the flaws. So I suggest that you should avoid being naked around him. Does not mean you change in a different room... that's too obvious, but be in lingerie that plays up your assets. Around the house don't walk around in old shorts and t-shirts. But wear nice subtly sexy stuff. Not sure how to explain, but for example, instead of wearing loose old shorts, wear fitting shorts that hug your butt in a nice but not slutty way (if you have a nice butt). At home, be groomed. No need to make up all that. But make sure you brush your hair etc and look presentable.

Contrast for you. My fiancee has far from the perfect body, but when I see her nude I do not see her flaws. I am concious of them, but it does not bother me... and I think it is because I love and respect her. So point is, you are in a very different situation now.

Also go and get "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You can likely get it at the library, else buy from the bookshops. It will explain a lot of things about love.

Have to run off for meeting. May add on more if I think of anything. Feel free to ask questions here or PM me.

i agree with the bro here. It is not easy to rekindle the chemistry.
I am facing the same problem too just that i am not eating out yet. Been trying to hold my fascination bcoz of my boy.

Have you really talk to ur spouse what had causes the change.

For me is the different perspective. I want a future , i have a plan.
My wife is just spuring and loves drinking. Worst is she nv really put in effert
in taking care of my boy.

When the loves is gone , no matter what you do he will nv be satisfied.
Men like women needs a companion. Sporean gals are too pamper with their
princess mentality.

I think a good talk and a change might helps but not in near future.
It might take a very long period of time.

Having a good body and a pretty face will not help in a marriage.
If a successful guy just wanna have good sex he can easily pay and get 1.

[WIBlack]

Had a chat, know why he prefers out there, and that he cannot talk to me with anything under the sun. I got sad, cried for hours till headpain, so now, come to think of it, HE IS NOT WORTH EVEN MY TEARS!!

Time for more ME time with KIDS. I will still try to stay attractive, take care of myself, my health and take care of my kids. Still be a dutiful wife whom he has been taking for granted but I will not do extra to love him more, influence him over since he prefers those PRC flowers.

Thanks all bros and sis for your sharing and kind advice. Take care.

[Mr_don_juan]

Had a chat, know why he prefers out there, and that he cannot talk to me with anything under the sun. I got sad, cried for hours till headpain, so now, come to think of it, HE IS NOT WORTH EVEN MY TEARS!!

Time for more ME time with KIDS. I will still try to stay attractive, take care of myself, my health and take care of my kids. Still be a dutiful wife whom he has been taking for granted but I will not do extra to love him more, influence him over since he prefers those PRC flowers.

Thanks all bros and sis for your sharing and kind advice. Take care.

Take up some slutty dance or pole dancing wow wow him in bed... nowadays sg lack of babies.. make more love to boost up our infertility rate.. probably it make the r/s closer and also do a service to our country :p

[Gaofar]

Please.. Don't just because he confess to you on why "he prefers to be out there and that he cannot talk with you about anything under the sun" and you are reacting that way and saying he is not worth your tears.. The feeling is so similar to my then ex-wife..

When a man decided to confess to you, you are actually winning a bit of him back to you.. He wanted to bare his innermost feelings out with you to table it out, and seek understanding as well as how to solve the problem, not for you to hear it and react on it in that manner. Yes, it is the truth from your man and it hurts to hear but do rejoice that he is actually telling you, instead of bottlng up and not even bother to tell you anything..

A bit of my story, I already knew my ex-wife was slowly stopping her love and affection for me, ever since our first born. I tried all tricks in the books to rekindle her and for her to feel romantic towards each other all over again. I am trying for 4 years, with each year she is getting more distant away from me, lesser sex with each other as she claims tired, not feeling affectionate with me again, not liking to hold hands with me anymore, seeing me like transparent whenever she came back home.. And me was desperately trying to make her feel important and special, like buying her gifts for her birthdays, our anniversaries; bringing her out for holidays; make meals that she likes to eat, etc.. I was practically crying for her to not to don't care about me anymore, but was fallen on deaf ears.. And so along came a PRC who practically fulfills my every craving and I was quite "possessed" back then..

I do not need to speak about my ending but suffice to say, it is ironic that it takes another PRC to save me from the 1st PRC before I was financially ruined. But that is not the main point of my story here.. (Sorry for my rumbling..)

The point is this: LISTEN.. Please do listen and help your man out. If he is trying to tell you and seeking on what to do to resolve this, then please assist him and get back any sanity that might still lies between the two of you. (Of course, if he is telling you that just to piss you off so he can have his way and to be with his PRC, then you have my blessings to kick his nuts..)

If your man still wants to have his family back (even if he is feeling unsure, you have a chance to rock him to your side!!), then for goodness sake give him a chance to speak out and resolve together. You have a chance to get back and save the family, unlike mine even I tried as I have an ex-wife who simply don't gives me a chance to talk to her...

I hope I don't bore you with my story and hope that you will see the light to salvage your marriage.

*PS: Even though if you tried and it doesn't pan out, please don't be too overtly upset.. I did not say don't be upset, I said don't be too upset.. Take it as an experience and move on, for the sake of your kids.. Of course, hope it will not end up in this way.

Cheers and regards.

[WIBlack]

Mr don juan,
Please don't ask me to dance. I can never dance as well as your singing & dancing girls. But I will try to keep fit, tone up by doing regular exercises.

Goafar,
It's not that he confessed to me of that I want to break off. It's because I did gave him a choice but he chose otherwise and this is a second setback for me (Imagine broken vase got broke again. How many cracks it has now?)

I have thought of it, and before he confession, I knew I changed to a quick mouth wife, because I wanted to talk in the same manner as him (he was rude, verbal abuse me before) as if I talk soft, 1. he cannot hear what I said. 2. he will raise his voice so much louder, as if scolding us, his immediate family. I have changed a quite a lot past months and I can see and FEEL good about my change. He felt it too, and yet, he still continue to go on outside.

People may see this is only a small case, but to me, it's big, it's betrayal. Maybe I am just too naive, and in my thinking, he is too naive too to be KCed by this woman, who knows the art of KC. If he likes other (more outstanding than me) woman, I can understand, but not this type who I know she is in touch and talk to more than 1 men/ any men.

We are going to try in our marriage again and I cross my fingers for it and do my best yet again.

I am sorry to hear about your case with your ex wife, but glad that you have found someone who you love and love back.

[5ag1_Boar]

Its going to be tough for sure.

I'm a little confuse with your last few posts. At first you said you're not going to bother any more. Then last post you write:
We are going to try in our marriage again and I cross my fingers for it and do my best yet again.

Well, its a fluid and emotional situation. I'll take it as that you wish to carry on and work for a better marriage.

As I said before, its tough to come back to something that has already slide down hill very far. There will be times when both of you are trying and then a small thing will trigger old bad memories and you end up taking 2 steps backwards again.

You need a lot of patience and willpower to be the supportive and forgiving wife waiting for him to come back to the marriage and family wholly. When things with his PRC girl blows up, be the one he can come back too. Don't chide him, don't say "I told you" or "serves you right." Just take him back, then he will know your true worth.

In the meantime, continue to take care of yourself to be healthy and attractive.

Sounds like he is the sort who talk tough and say hurtful things, especially when he feels threatened. And the type who "eat soft, won't eat hard" (吃软，不吃硬). The more you go head on with him, the more he will fight back. So you need to adjust to engage him constructively.

Hopefully, when he is willing, both of you can consider marriage counselling to learn to love each other. Also over time, he will learn to be respectful.

Good luck.

[WIBlack]

Bro 5ag1_Boar,

At first I wanted to give up, really for good but then after that, something happened which make me think that I should carry on care for him, for family sake.

As you said, it's tough, but its going to be a learning journey for us both (heart training). At end of the day, I have tried and change myself for everyone's good, its good enough even if he does not want to carry on with me. No use saying those hurtful words too, unless the person really deserve it. We need to be more humble and acceptance to forgiveness than being selfish due to change of world and people.

Thanks for your encouragement.



Its going to be tough for sure.

I'm a little confuse with your last few posts. At first you said you're not going to bother any more. Then last post you write:


Well, its a fluid and emotional situation. I'll take it as that you wish to carry on and work for a better marriage.

As I said before, its tough to come back to something that has already slide down hill very far. There will be times when both of you are trying and then a small thing will trigger old bad memories and you end up taking 2 steps backwards again.

You need a lot of patience and willpower to be the supportive and forgiving wife waiting for him to come back to the marriage and family wholly. When things with his PRC girl blows up, be the one he can come back too. Don't chide him, don't say "I told you" or "serves you right." Just take him back, then he will know your true worth.

In the meantime, continue to take care of yourself to be healthy and attractive.

Sounds like he is the sort who talk tough and say hurtful things, especially when he feels threatened. And the type who "eat soft, won't eat hard" (吃软，不吃硬). The more you go head on with him, the more he will fight back. So you need to adjust to engage him constructively.

Hopefully, when he is willing, both of you can consider marriage counselling to learn to love each other. Also over time, he will learn to be respectful.

Good luck.

[5ag1_Boar]

Something else to keep you going. If at the end of the day, it does not work out:
1. You can hold your head up high to say you tried.
2. Your children are not blind, they will which parent was the home breaker. You will have their respect and love.
3. You will have learnt so much more what it is to be a good wife and better person, and your next relationship will better for it.

[tittyfoo]

Once the spark is gone.. not easy to get back..

[WIBlack]

After the ultimate, even a simple touch or when resting, it's not easy to forget or guess what they have done together, down to the last stub of hair.

Not easy to start all over again with dark shadows of ghosts looming above, behind, around, anywhere you are, your thoughts.

I just hope I will phase out this hurdle faster so I can move on with confidence in life. Life is not all about love, it's also about rice bowl and bread, plus young sprouts to groom.

[2centsworth]

Stay strong my friend. May your kids give you the strength you need to overcome life's obstacles.

[milford]

I hope someone can provide her number for young, handsome gigolo...more professional ones. Make love and tape it down and send it to your hubby. See if he still feel jealous of you before u divorce.

[Buaybuaygan]

Try your best.. dun give up... all the best to you:)

[WIBlack]

Thanks, bro '2centsworth' and 'Buaybuaygan'. I am still trying, but it hurts when we are still in this process, more than giving up totally.

michaelcastle bro, will you revenge on your FL whom you so much wanted to be with? Think twice. Wise people will keep away from further troubles such as revenge. Karma will in turn come on one who seek revenge.

Who needs gigoloos or sexboys when I have other positive matters to take care of and look after? The most, I will just get a sex toy myself to satisfy my crave. :cool:

[Botakhead]

Good one sister, safer to play with yourself than getting into more trouble adding to the unresolved problem. Be happy always.;)

[arsenal_84]

After the ultimate, even a simple touch or when resting, it's not easy to forget or guess what they have done together, down to the last stub of hair.

Not easy to start all over again with dark shadows of ghosts looming above, behind, around, anywhere you are, your thoughts.

I just hope I will phase out this hurdle faster so I can move on with confidence in life. Life is not all about love, it's also about rice bowl and bread, plus young sprouts to groom.

Sometimes thoughts are the worst enemy for any mortal.
Learning to look at the bigger picture help you to keep focus on positive stuff rather than holding on to lingering thoughts that could be destructive to your mental state.