is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that person?

[EatPrayLove]

It's been close to 5 years that I had a real relationship with any guys. most of them are just out of impulse when i was at my loneliest period or when i was at my weakest. some of them I do loved them... but i find it hard for me to commit myself... been in and out of relationships or just flings for the past 4 years. none of the relationship did last long... max is 6 months.

I met J 6 years ago when yahoo ad was still around. was selling some stuff on yahoo ad and he actually respond to my ad. we exchanged numbers and was flirting intensively on sms as we hit it off very well. after flirting for a few weeks, we decided to meet. the first time i saw him, i was totally shocked he look exactly like the guy i always dreamt of when i was young. he was pretty much the gentleman and treated me like a lady. eventually, our relationship became somewhat sexual. during this period of time, he will went MIA for a few days... and re-surface again like nothing happen. days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months... till i couldn't take it and decided that's it. i started dating other guys but ended up getting myself hurt even more... i just can't forget him... to make things worse, right from the beginning we were never together... it's more of a dating partner thing for him. (dating partner my ass. more like fb when i come to think about it)

i started dressing up sexily, started flirting with guys, started sleeping around just for the sake of feeling wanted. these goes on for at least 6 months after i stop contacting him... till i found out all along he was attached to this girl for 4 years! and he even propose to her while he was seeing me... that was the final blow for me... for a period of time, i couldn't trust anyone... i tried to break free but my childhood dreams kept haunting me...

i do really hope to have a closure to this but i know there is no way that i can contact him as i have totally erase all his contacts when i decided to leave him... i just can't stop myself from going around in circles... just when i thought this guy might be the one, i found out he has been sleeping with others behind my back... i do not know if this is my karma, but it happened more than once... in fact twice in the past 3 years.

i do not think nor feel that i am not giving my bf enough sex or i am that bad in bed. i am somewhat pretty much a active woman sexually and enjoys sex when both parties are involved in pleasuring each other. i do try my best do satisfied my bf on bed. which is why i totally do not understand why will he stray? i did confront one of them and his answer was that no doubt he enjoy sex with me, but something was missing... he said that he felt a lack of connection with me... he said that deep down inside he could feel that there is something hidden in my heart. i have never told him anything about J till that point.

what he told him was that i do really need a closure on J before i can totally move on and get into a real relationship. need help from fellow samster and samstress on anyway for me to have a closure without contacting J? any advise?

[tahana]

hi there.. sad to say there isnt any real solutions out there. and it will be of no use even if the ppl here give u a thousand and 1 solution.

the same ting actually happened to me.. just that gender is opposite.. my then ex gf was actually married. and to my horror.. i only found out 3 yrs down the r/s..

cheers for the better.. keep ur heart open... although i, also been trying hard to open my heart for the past 4 yrs... just keep trying.. :)

[EatPrayLove]

hi there.. sad to say there isnt any real solutions out there. and it will be of no use even if the ppl here give u a thousand and 1 solution.

the same ting actually happened to me.. just that gender is opposite.. my then ex gf was actually married. and to my horror.. i only found out 3 yrs down the r/s..

cheers for the better.. keep ur heart open... although i, also been trying hard to open my heart for the past 4 yrs... just keep trying.. :)

that sucks... been trying to keep my heart open... i thought i did a good job... till my last ex told me how he felt... then did i realise i failed...

i know there might be no answer... but i do hope to get a closure for me to move on... i am hitting 30s and i do have wishes to get settle down with someone i love and have kids. i hope at least i might be able to get some advise to break free from going around in circle?

[Todtan]

You just have to let him go! You have been going around looking for guys hoping that the special one will take over the void left by J. God make only one J and that it!

You just have to let it go!

[kockadood]

well, if you do feel you hit rock bottom, you can only go up can't you ;)

you have to tell yourself firmly that its time to start a new chapter. (i would stare at the mirror for hours till i convince myself.)

start making new friends, get out and around. experience different things, its really pretty much like reading or watching a movie.

the previous arc or plot point is over.. and now you are in a new arc of your life, you will feel different, so think different and try all again. nothing wrong with moving on.


you can meet fantastic people as long as you dont close the door, and put the right foot forward. from what you have described, if you give the intention of just flirting and sleeping around, you will get exactly that.

start with your new goal in mind, keep your doors open and tell yourself its time. Having a different environment or circle might be just what you need to keep yourself healthily occupied. who knows you might meet a kindred spirit that just got out of his shell too.

the strength and ability is always within you, so i hope you are able to find acceptance and draw it out. drop someone a pm if you need a specific listening ear. else, best of luck and fated encounters to you :o

[maxsee]

Unless u r ready to move on mentally....it will be an endless loop for u....i doubt tat anyone can really helps u...u got to do it urself....coz i am in such a predicament myself except slightly different story la...in the end it took me a long time before i finally walks out of it myself.....:D:D:D

[kharu]

Always look forward never backward. :(

[hickeybites]

Dear Sis,
What you experienced with J definitely had a huge impact... honestly who (man or woman) likes being dangled along for the ride?
In a way you experienced betrayal - you were being lied to & treated rather shabbily by someone whom you felt to be special. I can somewhat identify with how you feel
(altho I was not in your exact position, major shit happened)...
I remember feeling this way at times: if someone whom I love & hold in high regard can treat me so poorly, it's probably because I'm not worthy after all :(
The thoughts & feelings of low self-worth, insecurity, rejection can be truly weighty & consuming -- but if we allow them to be so...

It's scary to open our hearts again or let our guards down... we don't wish to be crushed further & the fear is that we may never recover & be the same again.
After yrs of reflection & really choosing to see things positively, I believe that we can emerge stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves especially.
But importantly I've also come to realize that no one is supposed to complete us (seriously - ignore Jerry Mcguire :rolleyes:).
If we can't love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, cherish ourselves - how can we expect to love & cherish another person?
We're birthed into this world alone, and we'll also depart into the earth alone... The journey from the cradle to the grave can be made more enjoyable with worthy, choice companions.
But ultimately they're just company/mates - not actually a part of us.

You owe it to yourself to fill your own void & create your own closure. Accept what J has done & accept that he was a real jerk.
Also acknowledge that you were younger & more naive then to allow him to treated you badly. Recognize that although we can influence our partners' actions, ultimately it's their choice, their own will. We cannot make someone love us, desire us or remain faithful to us. All of us have to stand by our own choices & actions.
If you're not ready to let your guard down with someone else, so be it. Learn to embrace solitude.
Personally I think it's better to be by ourselves & heal before jumping into another relationship.

What I found helped for me: running away either with good girl friends or by myself for a getaway & really just sobbing my heart out.
Doing the things that I always wanted to do & picking up new sports. Thinking & caring for others - outreach & charity (but really doing it to help the needy & not just to pass time).
Spending time with my parents & siblings & showering them with love & care - often I was guilty of being more caring to partners!
As days passed, when I least expected it, I found that the closure that I so desperately sought just came naturally.
I no longer needed answers. I've accepted, forgave & moved on.

Hope you'll come to find your peace... take care

[RealEstateGuy]

Dear Sis,
What you experienced with J definitely had a huge impact... honestly who (man or woman) likes being dangled along for the ride?
In a way you experienced betrayal - you were being lied to & treated rather shabbily by someone whom you felt to be special. I can somewhat identify with how you feel
(altho I was not in your exact position, major shit happened)...
I remember feeling this way at times: if someone whom I love & hold in high regard can treat me so poorly, it's probably because I'm not worthy after all :(
The thoughts & feelings of low self-worth, insecurity, rejection can be truly weighty & consuming -- but if we allow them to be so...

It's scary to open our hearts again or let our guards down... we don't wish to be crushed further & the fear is that we may never recover & be the same again.
After yrs of reflection & really choosing to see things positively, I believe that we can emerge stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves especially.
But importantly I've also come to realize that no one is supposed to complete us (seriously - ignore Jerry Mcguire :rolleyes:).
If we can't love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, cherish ourselves - how can we expect to love & cherish another person?
We're birthed into this world alone, and we'll also depart into the earth alone... The journey from the cradle to the grave can be made more enjoyable with worthy, choice companions.
But ultimately they're just company/mates - not actually a part of us.

You owe it to yourself to fill your own void & create your own closure. Accept what J has done & accept that he was a real jerk.
Also acknowledge that you were younger & more naive then to allow him to treated you badly. Recognize that although we can influence our partners' actions, ultimately it's their choice, their own will. We cannot make someone love us, desire us or remain faithful to us. All of us have to stand by our own choices & actions.
If you're not ready to let your guard down with someone else, so be it. Learn to embrace solitude.
Personally I think it's better to be by ourselves & heal before jumping into another relationship.

What I found helped for me: running away either with good girl friends or by myself for a getaway & really just sobbing my heart out.
Doing the things that I always wanted to do & picking up new sports. Thinking & caring for others - outreach & charity (but really doing it to help the needy & not just to pass time).
Spending time with my parents & siblings & showering them with love & care - often I was guilty of being more caring to partners!
As days passed, when I least expected it, I found that the closure that I so desperately sought just came naturally.
I no longer needed answers. I've accepted, forgave & moved on.

Hope you'll come to find your peace... take care

Nice classy well thoughtout and insightful post Braddah. Very positive for SG society Braddah.

[Suku21]

i feel that , you should like find sometime to think and get over the past, it past for a reason, and it is unfair to hold on to it when you brings to the next relationship. It will only be hurtful to you.

I think perhaps its the way you does and behaves that makes your after J relationship not successful.

You can consult 心理医生？？:confused:

[ch33zy]

sis eatpraylove.. since you mentioned that you do get feedback from your ex, perhaps you might want to take a step back and think things through.. it seems to me that the physical aspects like the sex, being physically there, etc are there.. you mentioned that something was missing from the last relationship, was it the emotional aspect? maybe you need to make that connection with your loved one in that relationship.. some time, when we are hurt in relationships, we tend to close ourselves up inside our own environment.. it is a tough job for our loved ones to break through this barrier to get through to the inner us.. have you tried taking a short getaway from our shores? perhaps that might help you to relax yourself and think things through..

[EatPrayLove]

Dear Sis,
What you experienced with J definitely had a huge impact... honestly who (man or woman) likes being dangled along for the ride?
In a way you experienced betrayal - you were being lied to & treated rather shabbily by someone whom you felt to be special. I can somewhat identify with how you feel
(altho I was not in your exact position, major shit happened)...
I remember feeling this way at times: if someone whom I love & hold in high regard can treat me so poorly, it's probably because I'm not worthy after all :(
The thoughts & feelings of low self-worth, insecurity, rejection can be truly weighty & consuming -- but if we allow them to be so...

It's scary to open our hearts again or let our guards down... we don't wish to be crushed further & the fear is that we may never recover & be the same again.
After yrs of reflection & really choosing to see things positively, I believe that we can emerge stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves especially.
But importantly I've also come to realize that no one is supposed to complete us (seriously - ignore Jerry Mcguire :rolleyes:).
If we can't love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, cherish ourselves - how can we expect to love & cherish another person?
We're birthed into this world alone, and we'll also depart into the earth alone... The journey from the cradle to the grave can be made more enjoyable with worthy, choice companions.
But ultimately they're just company/mates - not actually a part of us.

You owe it to yourself to fill your own void & create your own closure. Accept what J has done & accept that he was a real jerk.
Also acknowledge that you were younger & more naive then to allow him to treated you badly. Recognize that although we can influence our partners' actions, ultimately it's their choice, their own will. We cannot make someone love us, desire us or remain faithful to us. All of us have to stand by our own choices & actions.
If you're not ready to let your guard down with someone else, so be it. Learn to embrace solitude.
Personally I think it's better to be by ourselves & heal before jumping into another relationship.

What I found helped for me: running away either with good girl friends or by myself for a getaway & really just sobbing my heart out.
Doing the things that I always wanted to do & picking up new sports. Thinking & caring for others - outreach & charity (but really doing it to help the needy & not just to pass time).
Spending time with my parents & siblings & showering them with love & care - often I was guilty of being more caring to partners!
As days passed, when I least expected it, I found that the closure that I so desperately sought just came naturally.
I no longer needed answers. I've accepted, forgave & moved on.

Hope you'll come to find your peace... take care


wow.... spot on exactly how i feel. judging from the way you write i am guessing you are a fellow samtress?

honesty, i have been spending more time with my parents and friends in the recent years whenever i can as i work on project based, hence work has been part of my life most of the time. it's only recently that i have to clear my leave that i have a long break and that is when i have quiet time to reflect on the past year why i keep having failed relationships.

i realise i failed to acknowledge the fact that J is a jerk, that he was fooling with me, that he was making used of my feelings for him. even after so long, a part of me has been trying to make some excuses for him... i kinda find myself silly for thinking like this. i even hate myself for thinking like this.

all this years, i tried to get a short getaway whenever i could and have started picking up jogging whenever time allows me. it did help for a short while. but the memories would just haunt me out of nowhere. i guess J was quite a huge blow to me... at least i know i am trying to find closure to it is a good start.

your advice on emerging stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves is really a huge encouragement and enlightenment. :)

[Rambutan]

Sis, there is nothing to close with him because he had been using you only. I had not gotten a closure with my ex whom I loved deeply. One day she told me that we can't be together anymore for reason which she did not reveal. Tried to contact her again, but she ignored me completely and did not have chance to meet her at all. Weeks become months, months become years.

At one unplanned occassion, we met by chance and we ended up bonging once and lost touch again. Strange right? Last heard she was already married and with 2 kids. I do not wish to meet again or wanted any closure with my ex.

You also should and not have any closure at all for reason I mentioned earlier.

I believed for guys it can be released more easily because we are physical creatures. Ladies are more emo and take longer time to let go. However, it took me almost 10 years to let go those feelings of lossing something I treasure when I went to places that I went with ex. (helped by focusing on another person). I hoped u can let go and have a real relationship with another guy whom relly loves u and not just wanted to fuck u. :)

[froggiestyle34]

You know, age has a lot to do with it.

Most guys (and girls) are not really ready for long term relationship until after they are 30 (at least) until then, everyone thinks they can find better (grass is greener -but water bills are higher ^_^ )

One day people wake up and realize they are not brad pitt nor angelina jolie, people are just human, we all have good points and bad ones.

To really move on from old bf/gf you have to both be happy in new lives (relationships) or else it could be tricky - and bad idea, dangerous.

Don't worry, it's a long life and this too shall pass.

Be patient and remember that no one is perfect.

[RealEstateGuy]

wow.... spot on exactly how i feel. judging from the way you write i am guessing you are a fellow samtress?

honesty, i have been spending more time with my parents and friends in the recent years whenever i can as i work on project based, hence work has been part of my life most of the time. it's only recently that i have to clear my leave that i have a long break and that is when i have quiet time to reflect on the past year why i keep having failed relationships.

i realise i failed to acknowledge the fact that J is a jerk, that he was fooling with me, that he was making used of my feelings for him. even after so long, a part of me has been trying to make some excuses for him... i kinda find myself silly for thinking like this. i even hate myself for thinking like this.

all this years, i tried to get a short getaway whenever i could and have started picking up jogging whenever time allows me. it did help for a short while. but the memories would just haunt me out of nowhere. i guess J was quite a huge blow to me... at least i know i am trying to find closure to it is a good start.

your advice on emerging stronger & wiser & kinder to ourselves is really a huge encouragement and enlightenment. :)

Sistah, women also make use of men the way you described. Sistah, these things are not asymmetric. Sistah not exactly symmetric but women can also do a lot of damage to a mans heart and ability to trust and love again. Sistah, I think time is the best healer for you. Sistah, find yourself, love yourself and when you get your confidence and ability to trust again a nice guy for you will pop up. Sistah, keep us Braddahs posted on your progress Sistah.

[MonteCristo]

求人不如求自己
心若离开此困境
必先所求于自己
只疼惜，爱自己
在心最深隐之处
你又寻何物呢？

[arsenal_84]

never re-create places from your memory.
always imagine new places.

time will heal things.
going down the path of the dark side is only going to make you feel more guilty in terms of emotional aspects.
sleeping around when you're emotionally down is always going to make you feel more empty deep within.

i always feel that good sex is only possible when you are in the right state of mind.
if not, it will only make you feel more worthless.

[Stimsia]

Just watch some drama
The end of a r/s is the beginning of new one

On the reverse, with a new r/s, u can buried the old one

No point lingering on the past cos while you are dwelling in pain the other pax may be having the time of his/ her life with no 2 hoots for you?

[EatPrayLove]

I think most people misunderstand my post.

I am totally over him. no doubt i felt hurt and betray but i have move on in life and seek for happiness.

it's only with my last relationship, did i finally understand why i am always cold or emotionless towards my bf. it's not that i do not loved him... it's just that i am wound by J and have shut off myself for fear of getting hurt again without me knowing it until my ex told him so. even when i found out he was having affair with another woman, i didn't shock me nor do i felt hurt. in fact, i was relieved when i found out of the another woman... like finally i can breathe and i felt much more relax... like finally everything is over...

after that relationship, i did not wanted to go into any relationship simply because i know i am not ready and i know i need to open up myself first before going into a new relationship. i did try going on short getaway trips with my close friends, with my parents and even with myself. no doubt it helps to sort out my thoughts and really did help me to embrace myself better than before, something is still missing... i tried picking hobbies, which did keep my mind off. no matter how busy i am, i try to spend time with my loved ones. i even try to spend time on my own by bringing myself out for dates. all these did help me to keep my mind off and starting to have a better understanding of myself... but i know something is missing... something is lacking for me to really move on.

I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?

[Ichigo_Kurosaki]

I am totally over him. no doubt i felt hurt and betray but i have move on in life and seek for happiness.

it's only with my last relationship, did i finally understand why i am always cold or emotionless towards my bf. it's not that i do not loved him... it's just that i am wound by J and have shut off myself for fear of getting hurt again without me knowing it until my ex told him so. even when i found out he was having affair with another woman, i didn't shock me nor do i felt hurt. in fact, i was relieved when i found out of the another woman... like finally i can breathe and i felt much more relax... like finally everything is over...

after that relationship, i did not wanted to go into any relationship simply because i know i am not ready and i know i need to open up myself first before going into a new relationship. i did try going on short getaway trips with my close friends, with my parents and even with myself. no doubt it helps to sort out my thoughts and really did help me to embrace myself better than before, something is still missing... i tried picking hobbies, which did keep my mind off. no matter how busy i am, i try to spend time with my loved ones. i even try to spend time on my own by bringing myself out for dates. all these did help me to keep my mind off and starting to have a better understanding of myself... but i know something is missing... something is lacking for me to really move on.

I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?

No offense. You might be totally over J but you aren't totally over your anger nor have forgiven yourself to move on.......:o

IMHO, when we experience a loss, there is suffering. Out of the suffering comes our attachment to what was. In our desires to make relationships last, we are overcome with pain,and disappointment when it ends. We do not feel in control. And wanting to feel some sort of control over our pain, we get on the emotionally roller coaster of more pains...........................................:o

Many at times, we try to drown the awareness of our pain with avoidance. Avoidance by burying ourselves - Like what you did - Taking time off for trips, with your loved ones, go on dates or picking up a new hobby but these are merely suppressing your grief temporary. Yet, inevitably you will end up feeling anxious, depressed, sadness or anger. :o

However by accepting as what it is moving through this bad relationship, you be able to find inner peace, harmony and forgive yourself to move on and completely eradiction of what's holding you back from new relationship (Anger) - Unknotting your deep heart knot is the only solution. Take your time, one small step at a time. Good luck and cheers, IK ;)

[berma]

stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?

Maybe the males are not handsome and rich enough for you , or worse still , the way they look at you is telling that they just want to get under your skirt and that is why you are protective . :D

[Mischievous]

never re-create places from your memory.
always imagine new places.


Inception in Matters of the Heart :rolleyes:

sorry to digress, but come to think of it another quote might apply to this thread.....

Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange :D

[ObjCoder]

>>"I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do [not] love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?"

You've built your "world" solely around J last time and he shattered your world. You no longer feel pain after 6 years, but the damage has been done. You now bubble-wrap yourself so much in other relationships that you never give and love fully.

Understand that romantic love is NOT THE ONLY world you can built and have. Build many mini-worlds - friends, work, family, hobbies, passion... if you have built so much mini-worlds, you won't be worried that the whole universe would come crumbling down should your romantic love world fails. And if you aren't worried that much, you'll stop being cold.

>> "i do try my best do satisfied my bf on bed. which is why i totally do not understand why will he stray?"
Btw, sex is important but not the only thing. Your bf is the only one who may remotely know the answer. I bet if his buddy ask him why he stray, he won't be able to pinpoint an exact answer. Sometimes accepting that there is no answer helps you to move on.

Don't remain in that circle for too long. Break out soon.

[Coriolanus]

I don't really know any advice to give you eatpraylove, but as someone who has been through similar heartbreaks for myself albeit at a much younger age, I can fully empathise with how much effort and time you will need to mend your broken heart and scarred psyche. All I can say is, take your time, listen to your friends and family, cherish those whom are around you now instead of reminiscing about what's past in your life. Have faith in yourself, that someday, you will emerge from all this emotional storms and heartbreaks a much stronger, and much more loving person, all the more deserving for the right guy to hold close, love with all his heart, and his whole life with.
If you need someone to talk to, somebody to just let you forget all this for a day, a month, an hour, a minute, there's always your friends and family. Or if nothing else suffices, my shoulder will always be here for you to rest on.

[Apocalypse]

It's been close to 5 years that I had a real relationship with any guys. most of them are just out of impulse when i was at my loneliest period or when i was at my weakest. some of them I do loved them... but i find it hard for me to commit myself... been in and out of relationships or just flings for the past 4 years. none of the relationship did last long... max is 6 months.

I met J 6 years ago when yahoo ad was still around. was selling some stuff on yahoo ad and he actually respond to my ad. we exchanged numbers and was flirting intensively on sms as we hit it off very well. after flirting for a few weeks, we decided to meet. the first time i saw him, i was totally shocked he look exactly like the guy i always dreamt of when i was young. he was pretty much the gentleman and treated me like a lady. eventually, our relationship became somewhat sexual. during this period of time, he will went MIA for a few days... and re-surface again like nothing happen. days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months... till i couldn't take it and decided that's it.

i started dressing up sexily, started flirting with guys, started sleeping around just for the sake of feeling wanted. these goes on for at least 6 months after i stop contacting him... till i found out all along he was attached to this girl for 4 years! and he even propose to her while he was seeing me... that was the final blow for me... for a period of time, i couldn't trust anyone... i tried to break free but my childhood dreams kept haunting me...

i do really hope to have a closure to this but i know there is no way that i can contact him as i have totally erase all his contacts when i decided to leave him...

i do not think nor feel that i am not giving my bf enough sex or i am that bad in bed. i am somewhat pretty much a active woman sexually and enjoys sex when both parties are involved in pleasuring each other. i do try my best do satisfied my bf on bed. which is why i totally do not understand why will he stray? i did confront one of them and his answer was that no doubt he enjoy sex with me, but something was missing... he said that he felt a lack of connection with me... he said that deep down inside he could feel that there is something hidden in my heart. i have never told him anything about J till that point.

what he told him was that i do really need a closure on J before i can totally move on and get into a real relationship. need help from fellow samster and samstress on anyway for me to have a closure without contacting J? any advise?

I think most people misunderstand my post.

I am totally over him. no doubt i felt hurt and betray but i have move on in life and seek for happiness.

it's only with my last relationship, did i finally understand why i am always cold or emotionless towards my bf. it's not that i do not loved him... it's just that i am wound by J and have shut off myself for fear of getting hurt again without me knowing it until my ex told him so. even when i found out he was having affair with another woman, i didn't shock me nor do i felt hurt. in fact, i was relieved when i found out of the another woman... like finally i can breathe and i felt much more relax... like finally everything is over...

after that relationship, i did not wanted to go into any relationship simply because i know i am not ready and i know i need to open up myself first before going into a new relationship. i did try going on short getaway trips with my close friends, with my parents and even with myself. no doubt it helps to sort out my thoughts and really did help me to embrace myself better than before, something is still missing... i tried picking hobbies, which did keep my mind off. no matter how busy i am, i try to spend time with my loved ones. i even try to spend time on my own by bringing myself out for dates. all these did help me to keep my mind off and starting to have a better understanding of myself... but i know something is missing... something is lacking for me to really move on.

I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?

The problem started because you have an ideal picture of how your dream guy will be from young. Every princess wants to find their prince, but not everyone that come along is the real prince. So when he takes you as a FB, you doubt yourself, like "why the hell happen? this was the guy that is so perfect, and why did he not contact me? Don't man like sex? there must be something wrong with me....." and that started the sleeping around and flirting with guys in order to prove to yourself that you are attractive and have a certain power over guys.

Stop. Its not your fault! You have to start believing that you are attractive and have power over man, without having sex. You simply met a guy that "looked" like your perfect guy, but he isn't the perfect guy.

Man don't like sex. Man like the hunt. We remember the ONE girl that we didn't get to screw, because something went wrong. We don't remember really the girls we screwed because there isn't really a point to remember, if the mentality is out to get any much screw as possible.

You were still finding that answer after 6 months he didn't contact you, and you were hoping that there was a chance, a remote possibility that he would take you back, and it was the one think you were hoping for throughout the activities you did. But the end result was nothing you did could change what was inevitable. You had to accept the reality that he did not choose you.

The result of this, is a trust issue with other guys. The closure you want, does not involve seeing J or anyone, but is the closure and reconciliation within yourself.

It is the same in the current relationship. Its not about J, but because you need to protect yourself, you have learnt over time to build up a wall , a defense mechanism in order to move on. This can be becoming really chatty, possessive, distant and unemotional etc etc depending on your character.

You didn't say how long are you with your current bf who cheated on you but he did mention abt the something thats missing. the thing that is missing is 50% bullshit, and 50% the wall that you built up in order to protect yourself. That is fine, because you don't need to go around exposing your vulnerable self to people. But when your new guy comes alone, make it hell difficult for him to bed you, give him the hunt, and since your nick is EatPrayLove, then Pray for your lover to be able be someone who understand your needs & tell you from the start, while you are still dating non sexually that you are a wonderful and fun girl to be with, but there seem be a wall that preventing him from knowing you. He holds your hand and look you in your eyes, telling you sincerely in a soft assuring voice, that he will open up himself to you, if you will open up to him. He will be worthy for you to submit to him, and he will protect and cherish the most vulnerable part of you, that you have shown him.

On your part, you closure lies in understanding and being convinced that J was not your dream guy from the first day, and one day, your dream guy will appear. So until he comes along, you'll be happy. You don't need to sleep with guys to feel confident or assure yourself. You don't need your bf to tell you you are a gd fuck in bed (pardon me for sounding crude). Even your bf that cheated, its not your fault either. Because he is not bother to find out, and talk to you and fight with you about what is missing in the relationship. Mean, he is crap, and you are better off without him.

Just my 2 cents worth in brief as I don't want to get too detail and hope it helps somehow.

[Apocalypse]

I don't really know any advice to give you eatpraylove, but as someone who has been through similar heartbreaks for myself albeit at a much younger age, I can fully empathise with how much effort and time you will need to mend your broken heart and scarred psyche. All I can say is, take your time, listen to your friends and family, cherish those whom are around you now instead of reminiscing about what's past in your life. Have faith in yourself, that someday, you will emerge from all this emotional storms and heartbreaks a much stronger, and much more loving person, all the more deserving for the right guy to hold close, love with all his heart, and his whole life with.
If you need someone to talk to, somebody to just let you forget all this for a day, a month, an hour, a minute, there's always your friends and family. Or if nothing else suffices, my shoulder will always be here for you to rest on.

General Coriolanus, I don't think she needs your shoulders right now, as nothing in the post suggest the wall she put up is one of a needy, weepy one. Its a distant emotionless one. You sound you are ready to hump anything that moves when you read the words in red above. And please don't reply me the standard "do I know you". I read what I read. :D

Read what's important, and not the part that she sleeps around alot when she was 16 when J went missing. She didn't mention if she still does that now, so don't assume. :D

[sinner1234]

I think most people misunderstand my post.

I am totally over him. no doubt i felt hurt and betray but i have move on in life and seek for happiness.

it's only with my last relationship, did i finally understand why i am always cold or emotionless towards my bf. it's not that i do not loved him... it's just that i am wound by J and have shut off myself for fear of getting hurt again without me knowing it until my ex told him so. even when i found out he was having affair with another woman, i didn't shock me nor do i felt hurt. in fact, i was relieved when i found out of the another woman... like finally i can breathe and i felt much more relax... like finally everything is over...

after that relationship, i did not wanted to go into any relationship simply because i know i am not ready and i know i need to open up myself first before going into a new relationship. i did try going on short getaway trips with my close friends, with my parents and even with myself. no doubt it helps to sort out my thoughts and really did help me to embrace myself better than before, something is still missing... i tried picking hobbies, which did keep my mind off. no matter how busy i am, i try to spend time with my loved ones. i even try to spend time on my own by bringing myself out for dates. all these did help me to keep my mind off and starting to have a better understanding of myself... but i know something is missing... something is lacking for me to really move on.

I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?

Dear Sis Eatpraylove,

Firstly, you started the thread title as: “is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that person?”

Your introductory post asked: need help from fellow samster and samstress on anyway for me to have a closure without contacting J? any advise?

Yet, the above-mentioned quote: your first sentence was:

“I think most people misunderstand my post.

I am totally over him. no doubt i felt hurt and betray but i have move on in life and seek for happiness.”


My….. to me, it’s contradicting and it explains your mindset now.
You are confused and not totally out of the woods yet.
You can one day say: “ohh.. I miss (J)” but yet another day you can say..” I dnt miss (J)"
Tht’s my point that I want to bring across to you.

Definitely, J has a big impact on you as he is deemed to be the “perfect” guy.
You had given out 100% thus you are deeply affected by it.
Much has been advised here and only time can totally heal your wounds.
You had also taken steps to aid in the healing process so I wish you well on the road to recovery.


What i seek in my post is to offer my humble opinion on your following comment:

Quote:
I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?


“Love” my dear and you just have not found one that you can give your heart out to.
None has “beaten” the love that you had given J.
It’s very weird at times…. When one seeks love, love is not there. It actually strikes when one least expects it.
Fret not, take it easy.
BUT please treat each R/S differently and objectively.
Do not use past experiences (this mentality is a double edged sword. But to me personally, I prefer to see think that a man is good than he is bad) and relate to your current R/S or situation.
Just do not repeat the “bad” “mistakes” in the failed R/S.
Life is full of “gambles”. I hope you will “win” from the next “gamble”.

Hereby I dedicate this to you: A quote from Joey Mcintyre’s song (Stay the same): “Just open up your heart and let it show you the way”.


A point to note: I agree with Bro Apocalpyse of not making it easy to have sex with you… The best that a woman can give is her body to a man…. The best that a man that can get from a woman is her body (Let’s leave money issues out of this yah as the concentration should be on the emotional aspect.;p)
To me Love is the main factor and you definitely have a lack of it right from any start (minus J).
Sex is the “enhancement” tool to make a relationship last/grow.

Only when you feel the “Love” meter is “ok” then you can start thinking about sex ok?;p


Ps: I have a “close” friend who is more or less in a similar situation as yours. I also sincerely hope she can meet her “prince charming” soon. :)

Good day to ya.


Note: Pardon me for the “heaviness” of this post yah. ;p

[Apocalypse]

Dear Sis Eatpraylove,

Firstly, you started the thread title as: “is there anyway i can have closure to a past relationship w/o contacting that person?”

Your introductory post asked: need help from fellow samster and samstress on anyway for me to have a closure without contacting J? any advise?

Yet, the above-mentioned quote: your first sentence was:

“I think most people misunderstand my post.

I am totally over him. no doubt i felt hurt and betray but i have move on in life and seek for happiness.”


My….. to me, it’s contradicting and it explains your mindset now.
You are confused and not totally out of the woods yet.
You can one day say: “ohh.. I miss (J)” but yet another day you can say..” I dnt miss (J)"
Tht’s my point that I want to bring across to you.

Definitely, J has a big impact on you as he is deemed to be the “perfect” guy.
You had given out 100% thus you are deeply affected by it.
Much has been advised here and only time can totally heal your wounds.
You had also taken steps to aid in the healing process so I wish you well on the road to recovery.


What i seek in my post is to offer my humble opinion on your following comment:

Quote:
I am 100% sure it's not pain, it's not the hurt and betrayal i felt. I am 100% sure I do not miss J. I am 100% sure i do love J anymore. so what is missing that causes me not be able to open up myself? stop being so cold and emotionless towards males who are interested in me?


“Love” my dear and you just have not found one that you can give your heart out to.
None has “beaten” the love that you had given J.
It’s very weird at times…. When one seeks love, love is not there. It actually strikes when one least expects it.
Fret not, take it easy.
BUT please treat each R/S differently and objectively.
Do not use past experiences (this mentality is a double edged sword. But to me personally, I prefer to see think that a man is good than he is bad) and relate to your current R/S or situation.
Just do not repeat the “bad” “mistakes” in the failed R/S.
Life is full of “gambles”. I hope you will “win” from the next “gamble”.

Hereby I dedicate this to you: A quote from Joey Mcintyre’s song (Stay the same): “Just open up your heart and let it show you the way”.


A point to note: I agree with Bro Apocalpyse of not making it easy to have sex with you… The best that a woman can give is her body to a man…. The best that a man that can get from a woman is her body (Let’s leave money issues out of this yah as the concentration should be on the emotional aspect.;p)
To me Love is the main factor and you definitely have a lack of it right from any start (minus J).
Sex is the “enhancement” tool to make a relationship last/grow.

Only when you feel the “Love” meter is “ok” then you can start thinking about sex ok?;p


Ps: I have a “close” friend who is more or less in a similar situation as yours. I also sincerely hope she can meet her “prince charming” soon. :)

Good day to ya.


Note: Pardon me for the “heaviness” of this post yah. ;p

one post with not many dots... no actress hp number this post. :( :p

[Apocalypse]

General Coriolanus really misinterpreted everything... Do you think she's gonna cry out loud to a stranger??? For someone going through a heartbreak,it's best for her to collect her own thoughts and realize what went wrong in the past relationship, even if you want to offer a shoulder to someone in distress,you must know that she will just treat you as a sandbag coz you're her only friend she can tell you of her heartaches and when she'd found her the man of her life,she'd rather not have any contacts with you as you remind her of her past pains... So be careful of what you asked for :D

you forgot the part about not telling people you've never met, all the more deserving for the right guy(implied: me) to hold close, love with all his heart, and his whole life with. :p

Only to add to her pain after she used your shoulders

[sinner1234]

one post with not many dots... no actress hp number this post. :( :p


Dear Bro Apocalypse,

not :( ? zapppppppp me lor ;p..... but leave me enough to be not in moderation yah ;p...... i dnt wana live in a time zone diff to others in this virtual world

hahah.... well..... tok abt "variations" mah.... for all you noe, i maybe is REG in disgust.. oopps i mean in disguise leh ;p


boring hor? when toking "serious" stuff.... ;p

i also prefer ...... ..... ;p... but some crzy dudes will not see the "light" side of it... ;p

hmmm.. anything to "debate" on this mon morning?... not much "juciness around here yah ;p....

let's spar? ;p... but hor... my lingo sure not more ink than yours lah.... pan chance abit ok ;p

gd day to ya.


Ps: yah.. i admit... this post is TCSS... can zap liao... lai... ;p lmao

[s1.w3n.b41.l31]

...
On your part, you closure lies in understanding and being convinced that J was not your dream guy from the first day, and one day, your dream guy will appear. So until he comes along, you'll be happy. You don't need to sleep with guys to feel confident or assure yourself. You don't need your bf to tell you you are a gd fuck in bed (pardon me for sounding crude). Even your bf that cheated, its not your fault either. Because he is not bother to find out, and talk to you and fight with you about what is missing in the relationship. Mean, he is crap, and you are better off without him.
...

Good words.
Do disagree with the "dream guy" idea. I'll rather use "right guy". "Dream guy" is a figment of a girl's imagination; seriously how many guys exist like that? "Right guy" is a real person, with traits that a girl likes and faults that the girl tolerates.
Just picking bones.. but still good words for TS.

For breakups, outsiders can only offer advice. Mine is: the only thing TS should continue bringing with her from the previous relationship is the lesson learnt.. that J or someone like him is not the right guy for her.

Sorry, lunch break so gotta keep this short. Good luck to TS.

[Apocalypse]

Good words.
Do disagree with the "dream guy" idea. I'll rather use "right guy". "Dream guy" is a figment of a girl's imagination; seriously how many guys exist like that? "Right guy" is a real person, with traits that a girl likes and faults that the girl tolerates.
Just picking bones.. but still good words for TS.

For breakups, outsiders can only offer advice. Mine is: the only thing TS should continue bringing with her from the previous relationship is the lesson learnt.. that J or someone like him is not the right guy for her.

Sorry, lunch break so gotta keep this short. Good luck to TS.

I also agree that there is no such thing as a perfect dream guy, but there is a right guy for the girl. But I was using TS' lingo to write otherwise difference between right guy n dream guy will be another 1 - 2 paragraph long. :D Was waiting for guys like you bro, to pick up on the dream guy/ right guy thingy. whahaha

[dyeeng]

Sis...just let it go..and move on...it's time....
学会放下舍弃，向前走。。。。:o

[Apocalypse]

That's what boys under the age of 20 would do. Simply naive, stubborn and reckless. They only say those far-fetched promises in hopes of that the girl will be touched and moved, not knowing that the girl finds him a total psycho :confused: But young boys are just clueless about this thing called love,only with age are they are able to learn to be better lovers albeit with countless of mistakes from the past

I tio threaten leh

http://www5.picturepush.com/photo/a/7723513/img/7723513.jpg

you got tell corialanus about your bf anot?

Before I take screenshot I got inform Corialanus one

http://www2.picturepush.com/photo/a/7723555/img/7723555.jpg

sorry TS for interrupting your thread. At least we prove that this kid's shoulder is v unstable for sis to lean on. :D

Corialanus, please take this offline and dun rebutt back. I'm here to offer advise for a dear sis, and not to go meet your parents and uncles and grandpa. thanks ah.

Once again, sorry EatPrayLove sis.

[EatPrayLove]

oh dear... i do think i have this problem with communicating myself to others?
The reason that I wanted a closure is that throughout all these years, no doubt I have forgive him and even totally forgotten about him till recent months when not more than once, guys who I have been seeing with the intention of going into a serious relationship told me that I seem to be pretty emotionless towards them... like something is totally lacking in me and no doubt I am right beside them but they feel like I am distant away.

So what I did was to think back about these past few years and suddenly I realise it might be because of J that I am being too protective? anyway, let's have a closure to this thing as I have gotten the answer I needed.

happy bonking and surfing to all samster & samstress. :)

[Ichigo_Kurosaki]

So what I did was to think back about these past few years and suddenly I realise it might be because of J that I am being too protective? anyway, let's have a closure to this thing as I have gotten the answer I needed.

happy bonking and surfing to all samster & samstress. :)

We need to live life in the present moment, clinging to the past and fearing for the future causes suffering. :D

Happy closing the room door with a new dish and bonking ;)

[LouisVuiitton]

Sad to say... Sex is freaking important but it's still not the everything. U have to move on and be positive! Say is easier lah... But in time to come u can do it. All the best to u.

[froggiestyle34]

EatPrayLove

Time heals all wounds - even if it hurts in the meantime.

Now is the time to maybe NOT try to be with another, guy. Why rush? Focus on you, making you a happier, healthier, better you. More sports, more hobbies, more work, more studies, more whatever makes you feel good - throw yourself into it and before you know it your whole perspective will have shifted.

Then you can talk to another guy.

Taking a break never hurts.

Good luck! ^_^

[jolenekoh]

nope. dont believe that time will heal ur wound. get back at the person hurting u. n u will find ur salvation then

[BVeneta]

I believe alot of us who are single and been hurt in relationship feels the same
Pumping up this thread so that more ppl can read the insightful replies from samsters..

:)

[SeniSeis]

actually .. since u felt that u need to contact him and tell him tat all these things has to end in order to feel tat it has come to an end.

Then by all means, find him.. if not u will never be able to feel whole again

[stillgottheblue]

I know I will get mob for saying this. While in a relationship, it is best not to end up in bed while you were still bf and gf. Guys won't be satisfied with how good you're in bed. You are satisfying only his desire, not the heart and mind.

[Tai_zi21]

To me it All in the mind if you wanna Forget him anot?

Agreed that samsters here can give you the best advice! But if it fall on deaf ears? Does it help?

Who doesn't have a heart breaking relationship Before my friend? I just ended mine last month! I can cry and make ppl pity on me! Does it help?

Wake up before it too late

[EatPrayLove]

To me it All in the mind if you wanna Forget him anot?

Agreed that samsters here can give you the best advice! But if it fall on deaf ears? Does it help?

Who doesn't have a heart breaking relationship Before my friend? I just ended mine last month! I can cry and make ppl pity on me! Does it help?

Wake up before it too late

Tai zi ge ge,

this post was like an year ago liao leh.
I have long forgotten about it. beside, I posted that I found the answer that I needed. :)

I wanted to get you out that day so that you can enjoy.
Look on the bright side k?

Cheers,
EPL