Extramarital Affair: Truly in love with each other

[korg2020]

Dear brothers,
It took me a while to pluck the courage to write this message, in the hope that someone can give me good advice.
When I was young, the thought of extra marital affairs brings to my mind an adulterous couple who wants nothing but satisfaction of their own physical needs.
Now I am in my forties, have two kids and a wife. I guess I married because of society expectations, to make my parents happy, and of course, as everyone says, time will help improve the relationship.
After 12 years of marriage, it has taken a toll on our communication. My job stress, kids, financials etc. There seems to be a widening gap between me and my wife. Harsh words were always used on me but I chose to remain silent as she is the violent type.
I got to know this female colleague of mine for 6 years. We always watch out for each other and she is also a mother of 3. Her husband has taken her gor granted and spends time either at work or helping out the family.
We admitted our feelings for each other and gave each other strong emotional support, and we also felt that if we could start all over, we would definitely find ourselves the more compatible couple in terms of chemistry, culture, needs and understanding.
We have developed to a stage where we are always looking out and caring for each other, and now I understand that not all couples who commit adultery are doing it for physical needs, but for emotional needs as well. Both are equally important.
I would like to hear from brothers out there, their experience, and also advice. It is very hard for us to turn back, but I wonder if it is naive of us to carry on the relationship, until the day where we fulfill our obligations, bring up the kids, and coming out to the open with the relationship.
Until then, I also find it a struggle, as we cannot openly show our affection in public, and had to do everything without public attention. It is very tough emotionally.
Lastly, if there is a place where we can go off together to enjoy each other's company, not the sexual nature, but the romantic type like watching sunsets, holding hands, etc, please do advise me. Do PM me if it is not convenient to disclose the place or location, as it could be in Singapore or nearby countries.
Thanks very much in advance.


M

[kgbkgb]

Lastly, if there is a place where we can go off together to enjoy each other's company, not the sexual nature, but the romantic type like watching sunsets, holding hands, etc,
M

Err, ur already in yr 40s and u hv no idea where to bring her to hangout? I'm puzzled. I tot only 15 y.o. kids wld ask such questions

[2centsworth]

Err, ur already in yr 40s and u hv no idea where to bring her to hangout? I'm puzzled. I tot only 15 y.o. kids wld ask such questions

You know, nobody will fault you if you got nothing better to say and you actually KEPT QUIET about it.


TS, I understand your situation. You will like to hang out at nice places where both of you won't be spotted by people who know both families. May I suggest going for spa? Couple spa to be exact. It's a place where you can relax and privacy is of utmost importance. I ever brought someone here to a couple spa. Quite nice. $170 for the couple spa; the first 30 mins is in a jaccuzzi, the next 90 mins can be spent on massage or a combination of a 60 min massage with a 30 min scrub.

I also like the feel that you are there to relax and not there because it's a 'safe' place to be... The girl I brought... the first time we saw each other naked was when we were in the room, stripping to enter the jacuzzi. Damn erotic... from never see her naked to soaking in hot tub naked together... within 1 min. Heavenly.. :)

[korg2020]

Thanks very much for the advice, much appreciated. Hopefully I can get to hear someone who is in the same situation as me and offer me some advice on how to cope with such relationship.
I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....
Thanks again.


M

[HyperV]

.. Her husband has taken her gor granted and spends time either at work or helping out the family....

Thanks very much in advance.


M

Bro, try to think if you also take your wife as granted, and if she has same feelings and frustration as you, talk to her, maybe you can solve your problem easily :D:D

[Gunner999]

TS.. I can fully understand how you feel cause i'm in a similar situation. Believe me that you are not alone.. there are many others out there just like you and me.

And I've thought thru this long and hard...I dont think there is a solution or action plan in the short term.. just react accordingly to situation as you move along. But you must know that there's always risks involved when you continue such lifestyles (your wife or your gf's spouse may find out...confrontations, kids affected etc)

Last two things i'd like to share with you:

1) If you continue with your 'socially accepted but unhappy' marriage till you are 80 years old, and when you look back at the unhappiness you've endured for the last 40 years... will there be any regrets? That's why i chose to continue despite the risks..

2) No matter what... Always look after your kids.

[HCKing]

Thanks very much for the advice, much appreciated. Hopefully I can get to hear someone who is in the same situation as me and offer me some advice on how to cope with such relationship.
I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....
Thanks again.


M

really not easy as she's also married. if she still single still can go neighbour countries together for 1 - 2 days free n easy 'business trip'

unfortunately sg is too small its hard not to bump into ppl either party knows. its down to yr luck liao TS.

[Gentle Beast]

My belief is that both of you are in this situation because you have something in common (breakdown in each other's relationship). It has been 6 years since but if I am not wrong, the sparks probably started not too long ago. Bear in mind, with 5 kids (yours 2, hers 3) things can get pretty complicated into the future. Financially it could be a NIGHTMARE. My advice is for both of you to walk away from this situation before it becomes even more complicated. Given the choice, I will work on my relationship with my wife. Not easy but more straight forward and less complications.

[shctaw]

When I read your thread... I can feel your heart totally...:(

Think it thru...... you do not need to break up 2 family just to be together.

See whether you and your GF can become FB cum companion.

But usually the Girl will want your to divorce..... because woman usually want guy to commit.

I also have a friend whom have a companion for 20 years...... he is around 60 now. He met his GF when he is 40 back in 1990.

[TiredSal]

May I ask, when you find that gaps are widening between you and your wife, did you attempt to do stuff that you used to do for her while you both were dating, to at least remind her why she'd said, I do.... when you both married?

Harsh words were used on you, but were there neglects you used on her? Instead of thinking that you'd suffered quite a bit in your relationship, have you seen whether you wife had suffered as much?

Have you tried romancing her once again? Leaving kids behind and go for a 'once again' Honeymoon? Candlelight dinner? Surprise gift? Flowers... and kiss her after you tell her that you love her, right in front of the kids?

Right here, I'm speaking from the perspective of a wife. Of a woman. And, I was a victim of an extramarital affair.

My hubby complained almost the same issue as you. Felt that the gap between him and me and widened to beyond repair stage. Felt that I was violent against him and he was the one whom had taken all the blows from me.

What he couldn't understand is, I yearned for his touch, his concern, his care... his loving words towards me. A kiss when I'm down, and when I'm almost to a verge of explosion from stress from kids and family.... I want him to just step out and hug me. Telling me he's there with me. But, he chose to hide at work, hide in computer room... and eventually, seek solace in another.

As for me, I admit that I wasn't that exactly nice to him for a while. I had chosen to express my frustration in a very wrong way. I had said harsh words to him when I see him rather spending on dinners out with friends, on his car... and his cigerattes. It's been 7 yrs since I'd last received a present from him. He missed my birthday every single yr... Where for me, I will surprise him on his birthday without fail, a holiday, a gift, or just a surprise party. But none for me.... thus, I chose to give him black face most of the time. Instead of choosing to talk to him what is making me upset.

And when he was with her, they went for holidays at his own expense, and diamond necklaces, flowers... movies... you name it. I don't wish to think back anymore.

You and your colleague had spent too much time with each other. Thus the emotional bond happened. Both of you are not staying together, thus everything is still so wonderfully romantic for both of you.

What if one day, you start to see how she pluck the hair from her underarm? And wake up to a rather nasty smell from her breath when she tried to be romantic by kissing you good morning. Then eventually, telling you why aren't you both able to enjoy a nice holiday at Europe every once a yr? Does all the stress sets in again? Doesn't communication plays a part in every single sort of relationship? Be it friendship/BGR/Parents and child/In-laws?

You just sorely lacked communications with your wife. Thus it pushed you towards her.

But, if you still strongly felt that 'she' is for you.... then please do not hurt your family anymore. Just be frank with your wife and break things off totally, before you can proceed with your 'showing of affection openly', and 'do everything without public attention'. Don't hurt your kids anymore. They are the most innocent.

Good luck to you, from a lady's point of view...

[shctaw]

Nice.....

Cool thread....

SBF have people that share real life story that one can learn to appreciate what they already have.

We read and learn from each other experience and mistakes. It is better than commiting the mistake ourselves and learn the hard way.

I did some wrong before too; but I am lucky to have U-turn back...
I keep my focus after my U-turn and I stay on the road throughout.

Remember not to stray too far off...... you do not want to end up like one of the sad story in the Chinese News Paper.

[pz33]

Well, I have been in this forum since I was in my early twentys and now I am approaching mid-thirties and yet this is my first posting....

I have exactly the same situation but less complicated as we do not have kids. But I feel very very strongly the same way as per what TiredSal has said and I do seriously believe it as well.

One day, if you also find out that your wife has another similar soul mate (opp sex) as you, I can 100% sure that you will feel gutted as well. My suggestion is that have a honest and everything bare all talk with your wife. If she still doesn't want to change or work on the relationship, at least you have try....

Bros, remember, you have once so in love with your wife before, it is not that you don't love her anymore, it is that you have forgotton how to love her again.

[tuffcookie]

What advice would you want us to give to your wife if she were to post a similar thread as you in this forum?

My one cent.

[goodpartner]

I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....


IMHO, if you endorse these as "genuine reasons" for committing adultery, then you should never believe in marriage in the first place. Or perhaps you still do not know what is a marriage. :rolleyes:

There will always be someone out there who is a better companion or better whatever than the one you are having now. If you subscribe to the notion of marriage, then you should just stop searching and comparing once you're committed. For the better or worst....

Else don't get married or start any family.

Marriage is not for everyone, unfortunately most people don't know what they want in life.

p.s. I orso don't know what I want.... why am I in sbf after such a long break?! :confused::D:p

[Demonkin7]

May I ask, when you find that gaps are widening between you and your wife, did you attempt to do stuff that you used to do for her while you both were dating, to at least remind her why she'd said, I do.... when you both married?

Harsh words were used on you, but were there neglects you used on her? Instead of thinking that you'd suffered quite a bit in your relationship, have you seen whether you wife had suffered as much?

Have you tried romancing her once again? Leaving kids behind and go for a 'once again' Honeymoon? Candlelight dinner? Surprise gift? Flowers... and kiss her after you tell her that you love her, right in front of the kids?

Right here, I'm speaking from the perspective of a wife. Of a woman. And, I was a victim of an extramarital affair.

My hubby complained almost the same issue as you. Felt that the gap between him and me and widened to beyond repair stage. Felt that I was violent against him and he was the one whom had taken all the blows from me.

What he couldn't understand is, I yearned for his touch, his concern, his care... his loving words towards me. A kiss when I'm down, and when I'm almost to a verge of explosion from stress from kids and family.... I want him to just step out and hug me. Telling me he's there with me. But, he chose to hide at work, hide in computer room... and eventually, seek solace in another.

As for me, I admit that I wasn't that exactly nice to him for a while. I had chosen to express my frustration in a very wrong way. I had said harsh words to him when I see him rather spending on dinners out with friends, on his car... and his cigerattes. It's been 7 yrs since I'd last received a present from him. He missed my birthday every single yr... Where for me, I will surprise him on his birthday without fail, a holiday, a gift, or just a surprise party. But none for me.... thus, I chose to give him black face most of the time. Instead of choosing to talk to him what is making me upset.

And when he was with her, they went for holidays at his own expense, and diamond necklaces, flowers... movies... you name it. I don't wish to think back anymore.

You and your colleague had spent too much time with each other. Thus the emotional bond happened. Both of you are not staying together, thus everything is still so wonderfully romantic for both of you.

What if one day, you start to see how she pluck the hair from her underarm? And wake up to a rather nasty smell from her breath when she tried to be romantic by kissing you good morning. Then eventually, telling you why aren't you both able to enjoy a nice holiday at Europe every once a yr? Does all the stress sets in again? Doesn't communication plays a part in every single sort of relationship? Be it friendship/BGR/Parents and child/In-laws?

You just sorely lacked communications with your wife. Thus it pushed you towards her.

But, if you still strongly felt that 'she' is for you.... then please do not hurt your family anymore. Just be frank with your wife and break things off totally, before you can proceed with your 'showing of affection openly', and 'do everything without public attention'. Don't hurt your kids anymore. They are the most innocent.

Good luck to you, from a lady's point of view...

Sis TiredSal you r a extramarital affair survivor not a victim cos you manage to climb back on your feet and share with us ur experience. U r a brave woman, u have my respect.

I do agree with Sis TiredSal. Sometime it is lack of communication that makes everything so bad. We always have shorter temper with those we love. Why is that so? Cos we always think that they should know us better and able to take our outburst if there is any. Then hurtful words comes out in a rash of moment... Then we dun know how to savage it all... It is sad but true that we hurt most by those we love.

So we have to endure, understand and be patient about it. let the rash moment pass and then really sit down n listen to them. Sometime not only we lack communication we also lack listening skills.

TS if it is just a moment of rash thought and emotional roller coaster we will understand. But look at the bigger picture with both family inside and what damage both your acts might cause. Do you love your kids and does she love her kids? Ever thought of why you brought them to this world? To see both the parents breakup and throw verbal abuse at each other daily? Where is the love? Sorry I may sounds old school but I still believe that is how loving someone and staying committed in marriage. Think twice, think thrice if u need to before u missed the U-turn. Then u will have to do a lo of damage control later for both u n her side.

[lamhai]

I always believe in "you will get what you give" before I got married. The believes, somehow, proven wrong after my 15 years marriage.
My wife is a career driven woman, because of the working field stress, she will got emotion explosion for 3 or 4 times per month.
I did my part in houseworks, I cook, I wash, I spend time with kids, I fold washed dress. I thought all these shall someday let her feel I am behind her supporting what she is pursuing.
What hurt me most is when she is hit, she yelled at kids for small little things, totally not in proportion with the level of mistake-doing. When things like this happen I just watch, I just worried what would this sort of upbringing will affect their personality when they becomes adult. When I try to step in, she will shout "don't interfere when I am teaching my kid!".
I have my small hobby to love, but it was not accepted. She will move my golf bags to center of family hall and tell me to keep them at some other place because it "occupied to much space".

I realise then, when you do kind loving things to people for long, then people will take this as their right to receive, and the giver is at wrong, always, for whatever small issue in the relationship.

Argue back? I tried, then I realise it is the emotion-exploded personality that I am dealing with and there is no reason and no logic to apply when one is in his/her mood of such.

Extramarital affairs? I had 3 when I was younger, all stopped because I realise I actually have no intention to start any relationship, rather I was bored with the marriage and was inherently wanted a break, an illusive shortbreak. But never had I got the heart to hurt my wife and indirectly, the family.

For that I believe, today, if you are a good, 1st class, no-expecting-return type, perfection lover, then you life is destinied to be suffering. Whether it is sweet or sorrow, it is all up to individual to interprete.

[Ken79]

Dont worry TS, an affair adds spice and excitement to your life or you can look for whores; nothing bad - as normal as picking up milk in the store.

[wells]

Before it gets exploded, you should find one day reflecting on the outcome should this affairs got exposed. The consequences will break out 2 families and causing more distress and mental torture to everybody who involved in this saga.

I do not have affairs but I always fuck with hit and run. I still take care of wife, children and my house. In this game there is a limitation, don’t cross the line.

You cannot have the best of 2 worlds, salvage the marriage and don’t forget your vows.

[mustachio]

I always believe in "you will get what you give" before I got married. The believes, somehow, proven wrong after my 15 years marriage.
My wife is a career driven woman, because of the working field stress, she will got emotion explosion for 3 or 4 times per month.
I did my part in houseworks, I cook, I wash, I spend time with kids, I fold washed dress. I thought all these shall someday let her feel I am behind her supporting what she is pursuing.
What hurt me most is when she is hit, she yelled at kids for small little things, totally not in proportion with the level of mistake-doing. When things like this happen I just watch, I just worried what would this sort of upbringing will affect their personality when they becomes adult. When I try to step in, she will shout "don't interfere when I am teaching my kid!".
I have my small hobby to love, but it was not accepted. She will move my golf bags to center of family hall and tell me to keep them at some other place because it "occupied to much space".

I realise then, when you do kind loving things to people for long, then people will take this as their right to receive, and the giver is at wrong, always, for whatever small issue in the relationship.

Argue back? I tried, then I realise it is the emotion-exploded personality that I am dealing with and there is no reason and no logic to apply when one is in his/her mood of such.

Extramarital affairs? I had 3 when I was younger, all stopped because I realise I actually have no intention to start any relationship, rather I was bored with the marriage and was inherently wanted a break, an illusive shortbreak. But never had I got the heart to hurt my wife and indirectly, the family.

For that I believe, today, if you are a good, 1st class, no-expecting-return type, perfection lover, then you life is destinied to be suffering. Whether it is sweet or sorrow, it is all up to individual to interprete.

I had the same belief "you will get what you give" in life. In some instances i am right but mostly wrong in my marriage. My wife had been treated so well by me that she had become terribly lazy, foul tempered, disrespecful to my parents, take me for granted, shout at the kids over small matters and mentally deranged.
In the past few years she had romantic and sexually explicit exchanges with people in the chatrooms. When confronted she cooked up all kinds of stories and excuses. The last straw was when she went overseas to meet the man and stayed with him for 3 weeks. She gave the excuse of wanting to start a business. Business my foot! My PI reported her sitting on his lap kissing, hugging and laughing for 20 minutes. She even denied she had no feelings for this man.
The shouting of the kids will affect their upbringing as my girl uses the same words the mother uses. And the mother had the cheek to reprimand my girl for using those same words she uses.
Sometimes it is too late to realise that your love will lead to the undoing of the relationship. Now i am letting go and have stop doing things i have done for her for so long. I agree that she takes it as her marital right to receive and i am always in the wrong for any issue in the relationship. And it is also her right to withhold giving.
Argue back? No point anymore. At the end she always say "Yes. I am in the wrong, i am bad so what you want now?" There is no reason or logic to apply when dealing with this type of woman.
Extramarital affairs? I had one but usually prefer to pay as i don't want any KC attachments. Sometimes going to GL is also to remind myself that i am still a man, i still am able to function and preserve my sanity.
I feel it is alright to start a relationship once your marriage is officially over. So long as you have the best interests of the children at heart. Just open your eyes and DO NOT get married again. There is this saying going around "人生有多少个十年“. You and i and many others here DESERVE and must find OUR happiness.
Remember the saying "男人不坏，女人不爱“. Many of us are in our kind of situation. Good, 1st class, expecting a fair return type, want to love wholeheartedly and end up suffering. Is there fairness? I have given up on my wife.

[basic]

Just get divorce lo. So simple.

[lamhai]

Just get divorce lo. So simple.

dude, divorce can solve the adult problem, I think that is very obvious. How would the separated familyhood affect the kids? When a solution for a problem created another 2 problems, then it is not a solution.

Above all, I LOVE my kids, I really do. I can think of them anytime anywhere and that moment I will smile from my heart and got myself cheered.

[goodpartner]

Just open your eyes and DO NOT get married again. There is this saying going around "人生有多少个十年“. You and i and many others here DESERVE and must find OUR happiness.

When a solution for a problem created another 2 problems, then it is not a solution.


Well said. There is NO solution to TS's problem unfortunately.

Most people simply chose the wrong partner to get married and/or marry for the wrong reason. Period.

What's done cannot be undone. Just have to deal with the mistake now; e.g. bite the bullet and press on with the marriage "for the sake of the kids", and go GL to release, go for extra-marrital r/s. :rolleyes:

When you find the RIGHT partner to get married, you will actually grow together, not apart. So much of this goes back making wise decisions during the dating process. People should have a much higher standard for a future spouse than they have for their friends. If you don't want to be a prisoner of a wife, then don't date strong-willed women.

TS is now thinking that he has finally found the Miss RIGHT.

But in SBF world, we're promoting the idea that its better just to get with a broad and let her dump you when she feels she needs a commitment. Then move on to a better broad.
Ok not SBF, I say one :D

[OceanMaster]

Bro Ts the cycle will start again and you will feel that the gap is widening between you and your female colleague just as what you feel now with your wife!

I suggest you work things out with your wife so as not to jeopardize the well being of you two kids!

I am very certain if you make the first step to work things out with your wife, everything will be just fine.

In fact it is not that difficute to accomplish!

One question for you, did you and your wife not have the most lovely, the best chemistry and the most understanding times?l?l?

I'm very certain both you and your wife have had the most loveliest time together where you can't live without her or vice versa!

[korg2020]

Dear all,
Thanks for all your valuable feedback. I guess it is a choice I made to marry and as fellow samster said, got to bite the bullet and carry on, especially for the kids, because I know they are the innocent parties who will eventually be hurt.
I did not elaborate further on our relationship which I hope to give you all more details.
I am like a fellow hamster here, who pampered her all the way in any way possible, I have no temper, and am always giving in to her and her family.
My mum was in coma after a fall(she still is) and all I want was to pop by and see her everyday after work. After some time, she was upset and said I should be spending more time with people who are alive, rather than my mum who may or may not recover....this hurts me a lot. My mum raised me and sacrificed for me and the family, even though she is unconscious, as a son, I want to be by her side as I know she would also do that if it is me lying in hospital. It really hurts me...
My emotional support now comes from this married colleague and I would know, whether anyone here has had such relationship and is able to continue while still being a responsible father and husband to the current family. I think most likely the answer is no and one day when the relationship gets found out, it would do more harm than good...but I just wanted to know if it is possible....
Thanks again...


M

[hamsapkwai]

Some people in coma can hear but cannot respond much. Ask her to blink once for yes and twice for no and you will be surprised.

Dr Hamsapkwai

[Komuso]

Dear all,
Thanks for all your valuable feedback. I guess it is a choice I made to marry and as fellow samster said, got to bite the bullet and carry on, especially for the kids, because I know they are the innocent parties who will eventually be hurt.
I did not elaborate further on our relationship which I hope to give you all more details.
I am like a fellow hamster here, who pampered her all the way in any way possible, I have no temper, and am always giving in to her and her family.
My mum was in coma after a fall(she still is) and all I want was to pop by and see her everyday after work. After some time, she was upset and said I should be spending more time with people who are alive, rather than my mum who may or may not recover....this hurts me a lot. My mum raised me and sacrificed for me and the family, even though she is unconscious, as a son, I want to be by her side as I know she would also do that if it is me lying in hospital. It really hurts me...
My emotional support now comes from this married colleague and I would know, whether anyone here has had such relationship and is able to continue while still being a responsible father and husband to the current family. I think most likely the answer is no and one day when the relationship gets found out, it would do more harm than good...but I just wanted to know if it is possible....
Thanks again...

M

Bro TS, what your wife said about your visiting your mother would be considered the last straw for me. Granted that it may have been an emotional outburst without thinking, such words are not acceptable. At least an apology is in order for such gross disrespect. I think you need to be decisive very soon, to avoid further emotional strain both for yourself as well as the kids.

Sis TiredSal raised an excellent point on communication in her reply. Perhaps you should attempt, several times, to discuss with your wife the problems that are at hand as sincerely as possible. See if she can be reasonable and agree to work towards saving the relationship; compare both parties' grievances and try to reach a compromise.

If this doesn't work out, the unfortunate truth is that the relationship must be dismantled. I don't mean to sound too mechanical about this, but it's akin to taking medicine or having a bad wisdom tooth pulled. Hurts like hell but absolutely necessary. The usual consideration is that the children will suffer of course, but then again, is it wise for them to grow up learning that they can get away with what their mother has? Or that as a father you tolerate such unacceptable behaviour from another adult? How will they treat other people they meet in life later on? When thinking of the kids, the most important thing is what they learn as they grow up. I don't believe you want them to become adults who mistake dysfunctional relationships for normal ones. On the other hand, if their mother is willing to work with you to make things right, they will have a renewed respect for her, and will remember that when they are older and have to deal with their own relationships.

Lastly, if divorce is impractical for financial reasons, you'll have to make do with the situation. The highest priority, even higher than your own happiness, is their education - and I don't mean the one they get in school, which is close to useless. If you have no choice but to stay in the relationship and bite the bullet as they say, you should spend lots of time talking to your kids and teach them, as best you can, how to be good people. This is all the more important because even while you're doing that, they'll continue to be fazed by the live example of their mother, whose behaviour will appear to contradict everything you teach them. In the confrontations with your wife that follow, your children will be observing your behaviour, and will form that lasting impression of how their father either firmly stood up to what was wrong... or simply gave in to a stronger force of will.

Please understand that I'm not trying to talk down to you (you're older than me at any rate) or teach you what to do; I don't even have the full details of the nature of your relationship, nor have I heard your wife's side of the story, which will doubtless make the picture clearer.

But this is just my take on your situation, out of genuine concern for another Singaporean man struggling to survive in this city... which can be very harsh on its inhabitants indeed.

[between2heart]

May I ask, when you find that gaps are widening between you and your wife, did you attempt to do stuff that you used to do for her while you both were dating, to at least remind her why she'd said, I do.... when you both married?

Harsh words were used on you, but were there neglects you used on her? Instead of thinking that you'd suffered quite a bit in your relationship, have you seen whether you wife had suffered as much?

Have you tried romancing her once again? Leaving kids behind and go for a 'once again' Honeymoon? Candlelight dinner? Surprise gift? Flowers... and kiss her after you tell her that you love her, right in front of the kids?

Right here, I'm speaking from the perspective of a wife. Of a woman. And, I was a victim of an extramarital affair.

My hubby complained almost the same issue as you. Felt that the gap between him and me and widened to beyond repair stage. Felt that I was violent against him and he was the one whom had taken all the blows from me.

What he couldn't understand is, I yearned for his touch, his concern, his care... his loving words towards me. A kiss when I'm down, and when I'm almost to a verge of explosion from stress from kids and family.... I want him to just step out and hug me. Telling me he's there with me. But, he chose to hide at work, hide in computer room... and eventually, seek solace in another.

As for me, I admit that I wasn't that exactly nice to him for a while. I had chosen to express my frustration in a very wrong way. I had said harsh words to him when I see him rather spending on dinners out with friends, on his car... and his cigerattes. It's been 7 yrs since I'd last received a present from him. He missed my birthday every single yr... Where for me, I will surprise him on his birthday without fail, a holiday, a gift, or just a surprise party. But none for me.... thus, I chose to give him black face most of the time. Instead of choosing to talk to him what is making me upset.

And when he was with her, they went for holidays at his own expense, and diamond necklaces, flowers... movies... you name it. I don't wish to think back anymore.

You and your colleague had spent too much time with each other. Thus the emotional bond happened. Both of you are not staying together, thus everything is still so wonderfully romantic for both of you.

What if one day, you start to see how she pluck the hair from her underarm? And wake up to a rather nasty smell from her breath when she tried to be romantic by kissing you good morning. Then eventually, telling you why aren't you both able to enjoy a nice holiday at Europe every once a yr? Does all the stress sets in again? Doesn't communication plays a part in every single sort of relationship? Be it friendship/BGR/Parents and child/In-laws?

You just sorely lacked communications with your wife. Thus it pushed you towards her.

But, if you still strongly felt that 'she' is for you.... then please do not hurt your family anymore. Just be frank with your wife and break things off totally, before you can proceed with your 'showing of affection openly', and 'do everything without public attention'. Don't hurt your kids anymore. They are the most innocent.

Good luck to you, from a lady's point of view...

Sis,reading your post made me cry.

I am now same as you.I've been married for more 10 year,recently(almost 1 years) we always bite each other.

My husband said he couldnt stand my behaviour.Luckily,he doesnt have extra affair.We almost fight everyday over small things for nothing.
How can I solve my problem with him?I feel the gap between him and me wider and wider.

[shctaw]

If he really do not have an affair; your relationship is a catalyst for an affair to happen....(both for you and him)

Sealed the gap before it turn into a hole.

Remember it take 2 hands to clap... and now there are no clapping.

It is human nature to blame other when something bad happen; while taking all the credit when something end well.

Sis,reading your post made me cry.

I am now same as you.I've been married for more 10 year,recently(almost 1 years) we always bite each other.

My husband said he couldnt stand my behaviour.Luckily,he doesnt have extra affair.We almost fight everyday over small things for nothing.
How can I solve my problem with him?I feel the gap between him and me wider and wider.

[cooldudex]

Love is an active and conscious decision and not just a feeling or an emotion. It always take lots of commitment on both parties to want to fix things, to want to talk it out. For you, it's even more serious because you have children. Think about it, you're their father and your wife needs you to be committed as well. What would the children think about their dad when daddy leaves the moment things get rough?

Many lives and futures are at stake here... Be wise...

[Longitude]

The problem with many of us is that we tend to use reason to talk back to conscience. We failed to realize that reason deceives us; conscience never. My advice to you is to heed the saying : "Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends".

[between2heart]

Tks bro

I feel marriage is so haggard,sine it will end with lot of trouble why tied the knot at the at the first place?

[see see only]

Truly in love with each other ?? :rolleyes:


Most extramarital affairs are sweet and loving ... after been divorced twice i experienecd the same as well.

A very simple reason - relationship like this has very low expectation toward each other ...

Be it:-


Financial disagreement


in-law’s different opinion


untold agenda before marriage


broken promises


friends’ comments on ideal partners

etc etc


Nevertheless enjoy each other to the max, such r/s is one of the best way to destress. And just remember or take note, things may not be the same if two of you are married. It may be really Déjà vu, when the situation is the other way round (when your wife is your extramarital affair partner instead)

[OceanMaster]

It may be really Déjà vu, when the situation is the other way round (when your wife is your extramarital affair partner instead)

ha! you are spot on Bro!

Thats utterly what I meant.

[goodpartner]

... after been divorced twice i experienecd the same as well.

Woah! Bro, will you consider marrying again?

[2centsworth]

Tks bro

I feel marriage is so haggard,sine it will end with lot of trouble why tied the knot at the at the first place?

To have children. Most jump into marriage without any inkling of what being married is. People change after marriage too. So the person you propose to may not be the person you marry... Character wise I mean. Actually cohabiting first before marriage is quite a good idea.

[see see only]

Woah! Bro, will you consider marrying again?

Of cos i will ... me now already married to MONEY :D

[chinacuntlover]

Think consequence can take?
Divorce, kid...alimony...

If ok, can try ktv, bt timah forest, changi coastline,
Oversea anywhere also can la....

[Reoxy]

Every couples, every families will have their own unique set of problems which others will not be fully comprehensive to give advice.

The only qualified judge will be yourself because ultimately, you will be the one to bear the full brunt of the consequences.

When a couple breaks up or a family falls apart, there are no winners. One party may emerge as more victorious but ultimately, everyone involved are losers.

[arsenal_84]

Seriously, you have 2 kids, she have 3. Thats 5 children that are going to be messed up, just because you can't make that effort to love your wife, inspite of your issues with her. If that is the case, then you should not have rushed into the marriage with her. Then you can eat out all you want, and leave her if you really find her incompatible with you. Now not only are you justifying for yourself, you seem to be justifying for her as well. She will have a story that is convenient to her, and instead of taking everything with a pinch of salt, you buy into the fact that she neglected.

agreed.
many ppl who get into emotional affairs with other ppl wife/husband often do not think about the aftershock effects they create in both families.
if TS doesn't bother to work things out with his wife, at least pay more attention to his kids.

my mum did get into such a rs with another man and the outcome did have an effect on me after seeing how my father confront another guy right in the face.
perhaps that's why till date, i'm still single and sometimes i find it particularly hard to trust local ladies...
this emotional scar does get pass onto your kids when the confrontation happens right in front of them.

[huanggua]

agreed.
many ppl who get into emotional affairs with other ppl wife/husband often do not think about the aftershock effects they create in both families.
if TS doesn't bother to work things out with his wife, at least pay more attention to his kids.

my mum did get into such a rs with another man and the outcome did have an effect on me after seeing how my father confront another guy right in the face.
perhaps that's why till date, i'm still single and sometimes i find it particularly hard to trust local ladies...
this emotional scar does get pass onto your kids when the confrontation happens right in front of them.

You shouldn't blame your mum for it and let this incident imprison you. Much marriage difficulty and unhappiness are due to the failure of the partners to accept the fact of their finiteness. So do not be terrified. Be strong and courageous.

[Dickens1111]

Dear TS, Just want to share some experiences, some personal ones and some from close friends. I will not mince my words so people, please dun flame or zap me, anyway, nothing to zap liao la.

First, here is my analysis of your intent behind this post:-

1. I agree with 4horseman in many areas. You are not seeking advise but affirmation and you are likely going to see what you want to see from the varied responses. You want to prove to yourself that whatever you have dcided (which is to continue) is not wrong. The fact that at the end you are asking ppl where to have discreet meetings is proof of the intent.

2. We heard your side of the story but not your wife's. You cited rather nasty things about her like about ur mother. Just like above, this is the affirmation from the -ve aspects of your wife, to proof you deserve better and that 'She made me do it, it wasn't my fault'.

You situation:-

1. if you eat abalone and sharkfins for every meal for a year, you'll love to eat salted fish and eggs once in a while. Welcome to the 90th percentile of all marriages, YES IT GETS MIGHTY BORING (especially licking, fucking the same pussy! - sorry for being crude but I need you to ask yourself this question, there is a strong element of a new pussy isn't there?).

2. It is not uncommon that if a courtship is too long, over 6 yrs, they tend to break up because, IT GOT BORING. Like the routine of calling each other everyday but run out of topics to chat about for the next hr, and end up quarreling (sounds familiar?). To survive that r/s, u need to start a new project that involves both of you.... a good one is planning for your wedding. Walah, bonding is reignited. Then there will be building your new home, wham! Further bonding through shopping together, decorating etc. Then kids come and the bonding even stronger. But then, most couples will get so sucked up in family building they forgot about each other, attention all on kids, schools, exams. That is when there is no new projects to ignite the bonding. And that is when it drifts. Sounds familiar? if it does, then YOU ARE NORMAL. Why i say this is, stop making excuses to bang your colleague.

3. Your timing is also very zhun. 40+, mid life crisis, are you still attractive, can you still pump and pump and make the woman scream (dun bluff that nv crossed ur mind). So when a lady shows she is 'available' it reignited the hunting instinct in you, and perhaps her trapping instinct as well.

4. At last, you and ur colleague are in this state, playing with fire.

Warning!
1. All relationships are lovy dovy from the beginning. Each will be at their best behaviours. Caring, loving, sweet nothings all the time... till the novelty wears off.

2. You 2 are just enjoying the moment. There are lots of cases where ppl initiate a divorce to see their other 'significant other' run away. Man you may be willing to sacrifice ur 2 kids and wife but she may not. Then you will be left with mouth wide open, looking like an idiot i tell you. Or vice versa with her divorcing.

3. What makes you think that ur colleague won't hv other issues. I have a friend who is in his 4th marriage.

4. What about all the kids. Even what you say is 100% true, YOU ARE THEIR FATHER & SHE MOTHER TO HERS. the kids are innocent, dun deprive them of a complete family. When you are 80, it won't be ur wife or ur lover, but ur kids who have to nurse you and bury you.

Conclusion
If you like to relive your younger days with ur colleague, by all means but make it absolutely clear to yourselves about dumping 2 families for 1 new one. There is no guarantee and as they say, a bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. So long as both are clear where the parameters of your playground is, then by all means but dun get her preggie. When at home, leave everything behind and focus on ur wife and kids, it only makes ur escapedes less stressful with a less suspicious wife (I am not advocating this but telling you not to rock the peace at home). Be a responsible man, husband and father like the 90th percentil of men.

A notti closing statement
Rekindle the marriage, bring your wife to swing! LOLs.:D or a 3some with ur colleague:rolleyes:

But seriously, you want to fuck around, it is only human for males (pro-creation ma) but dun fuck your family around along. If you truly believe ur marriage has a problem, then dump ur colleague, solve it face on without the complication and insurance of a 3rd Party and hv a clean conscience. Then u can truly believe what you are doing (divorce nia hor, not hv an affair) is correct. Or, just make sure it is pure sex and fun and companion and not beyond.

[tomdh]

there's a funny thought though that's been currently swirling in my mind:
i love my family, i don't want to hurt my wife + kids, but our relationship does need a lot of repair.
i have a lovely girl outside, who is sweet, single & most charming.

WHAT IF i come out clean and confess this affair to my wife AND try to convince her that we can work out a 'concubine policy'? (all with the assumption that i am financially able)

wouldn't that be a great fantasy coming true!? actually concubinage goes back well into history, maybe we should bring it back. that'll stop all the 偷偷摸摸, and bring everything to light. if a guy has the ability to support and take care of 2 families, why not? you just need to know how to play fair, and take equally good care for all the parties involved, wife, concubine, kids.

i'd love to hear what some of you guys or even gals may say about this.

[korg2020]

Thanks for all your feedback....just wondering in this small island of Singapore, is there really someone out there who is fulfilling his duties as a father yet having a true extra marital relationship with another married person whom he or she can confide in?

[Reoxy]

Thanks for all your feedback....just wondering in this small island of Singapore, is there really someone out there who is fulfilling his duties as a father yet having a true extra marital relationship with another married person whom he or she can confide in?

I am sure there are many.

[goodpartner]

i'd love to hear what some of you guys or even gals may say about this.

Can! Go back to the old age....
Cum cum... contribute here:
http://www.sammyboyforum.com/showthread.php?t=254582
:D

[miniskirt]

I also like the feel that you are there to relax and not there because it's a 'safe' place to be... The girl I brought... the first time we saw each other naked was when we were in the room, stripping to enter the jacuzzi. Damn erotic... from never see her naked to soaking in hot tub naked together... within 1 min. Heavenly.. :)

sounds fun. wish someone can bring me there. :(

[goodmassage]

If u r muslim, circumcised & your wife agrees...sgp syriah courts. Will permit more than 01 wife

[korg2020]

Just wondering if there are any brothers out here with a serious extramarital relationship that lasts for several years? In my opinion, it may not exists...but happy to hear any feedback...

[Iemanishere]

Hi guys, know how u feel.. As I am sure many guys in Singapore have the other women or lady..most will keep them here and others overseas.. But there are some saying the rule of the tum.. Is what do u see in the other women?? Can she give you what ur wife can't or??

In the biz world out there, man keep other women is to ensure thy build a biz world which she can help and as well for others..

I fly a lot an my main line of biz is here hk and china, once a biz women told me if u keep a other women in ur life be it local or oversea, do make sure she can help u in ur biz or others.. She said again think with the big head not the small.. Can't help you don't do it..

But in all case never never not care for ur kids..as what u do now thy may not understand but in time to come thy will.


God bless.. Ps sometimes it hard to think but we are only human.. But u want to take this path.. Make sure, take good use of it and be someone some day..not all will go to waste...

[sgjoey]

Monogamy is a failed paradigm because again and again, people marry and after a time find themselves attracted to others. This is not their fault -- it is quite in keeping with our nature to crave for variety in most things, including our sexual and emotional bonding with others.

Polygamy is the traditional alternative and minority paradigm in certain cultures but because of its one-sidedness (a man can have more than one partner, but expects his wife to have only one) is chauvinistic, and more importantly, also not in keeping with human nature.

The fact is that we -- both men, as well as women -- are inclined to be non-monogamous. The solution is an open marriage of sorts -- presuming that marriage is even necessary in the first place.

Polyamory may be the relationship paradigm of the future. I say the future because too many people at present are still wallowing in ignorance as to what human nature is really like.

To break out of the mongamy trap, take a look at this site (http://sexatdawn.com).

[TheHornyDevilz]

What was that saying...

If you love something,
Set it free
If it comes back,
It's yours.
If it doesn't,
it never was...

Sometimes, when life becomes an impasse, and there is no clear channel for things, perhaps it is time to get answers and move on from there.

[starz85]

Thanks very much for the advice, much appreciated. Hopefully I can get to hear someone who is in the same situation as me and offer me some advice on how to cope with such relationship.
I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....
Thanks again.


M

I don't think anyone can cope with this ..

I frown on adultery as well .. and i think those that do are cowards that do not dare to divorce and sometimes use kids as excuse ..

well sometimes ...
adultery is ACTUALLY the easy way out ...
and passonate relationships are easy to fall into ..
it's marriages that are hard to work out

but then which one is love? passion? or marriage?

[starz85]

there's a funny thought though that's been currently swirling in my mind:
i love my family, i don't want to hurt my wife + kids, but our relationship does need a lot of repair.
i have a lovely girl outside, who is sweet, single & most charming.

WHAT IF i come out clean and confess this affair to my wife AND try to convince her that we can work out a 'concubine policy'? (all with the assumption that i am financially able)


No woman will like this ...
some say marriages are invented by men to trap women ... i think sometimes the other way ard is true ..
cos women are the ones that need a faithful man who will support the kids with her .. as they are always saddled with the kid ..

all girls will say dun mind dun mind but sure have parts that they mind one cos it's not a complete marriage ... or relationship ..

it's how u juggle them i suppose

[Marblecat]

Well, I just couldn't resist writing a reply even if TS may not be reading this any longer. "Looking for good advice"? hahaha. No no no. You're looking for people to support your delusions. You're not looking for advice or answers, just replies that fit an outcome you already want.

I'm trying not to sound judgemental here, but really, if you have decided what to do, then do it anyway. Don't beat around the bush. The fact that you are not hints that there may be a decent voice of sanity screaming though the fog in your brains.

Right now, your behaviour can be best summed up as irresponsible, selfish, and of more practical implications - unrealistic. You are not looking to have your cake and eat it - you want the whole damn bakery. And to gorge yourself, then vomit and eat more.

You want the thrill and the illicit excitement of having a secret liaison, the exquisite angst of being in love and yet having true love being denied, of romance without consequence, of lust without constraint, of emotional highs without rational consideration, the SHEER high of something new. But you also want the stability of a home, the security of a doormat, the comfort of family, the succour of familarity, the SHEER stability of something you may complain about, but in which you are absolutely sure of and can be truly yourself.

Be honest, neither you nor your lover are being honest (and I don't mean to your respective spouses). To each other or yourself. Are you really showing the real you to her? really? And you think you are seeing the real her? Both of you are indulging in a fantasy world. if you had to live with each other, if a genie would be to grant what is supposedly your deepest wish and whisk you away to be together, I guarantee you 90% of the attraction would vapourise the second the affair becomes an open accepted relationship - the illicit excitement that is feeding both of you would be gone. Then, over time, the grind of reality in daily life would take care of whatever foolish notions of romance you have. Google for info and you will find that over 90% of re-marriages from affair partners end up in further divorces. Wanna guess why?

The "chemistry", the "connection", the emotional closeness you feel is very real to you, that I understand, but it is also illusory. It's based on an environment that cannot be realistically obtained in real life. You can actually have the same chemistry again with your wife, but it takes work, and work is never the preferred option when you can blame somebody else. Go google PEA. That's the chemical that's screwing with you right now. It'll go away soon. IF you can go cold turkey.

I can add more if you really want to see through your options. But if you're just looking for validation for what your heart and dick wants to do, don't waste time, your own and others'. I'll say this much - in the throes of your most passionate, shiok encounters possible together (as someone put it - in a couple spa for instance), at the height of your "chemistry", if you were taken aside and faced your child alone, and made to hear the hurt and bewilderment of not even anything abusive but a simple "Why, Pa? What are you doing?" That tongue in your mouth is gonna feel like sawdust.

Good luck.

[Gentle Beast]

I can add more if you really want to see through your options. But if you're just looking for validation for what your heart and dick wants to do, don't waste time, your own and others'. I'll say this much - in the throes of your most passionate, shiok encounters possible together (as someone put it - in a couple spa for instance), at the height of your "chemistry", if you were taken aside and faced your child alone, and made to hear the hurt and bewilderment of not even anything abusive but a simple "Why, Pa? What are you doing?" That tongue in your mouth is gonna feel like sawdust.

Good luck.

I concur with your analysis. Some of us turn to commercial sex to get the alternative high as a replacement to getting messy with extramarital affairs. To each his own.

[goodmassage]

Well said MARBLE CAT!

Rather than pretend to be in love & convince yourself you are not the hypocritical bastard. Why not just go full swing into patronizing whores? After all, guilty of once, guilty regardless. Moreover, no emotional attachment to the ones u bonk.

Your wife would hurt less if she knew u were whoremongering than to have an illicit affair.

[korg2020]

Just wondering if there are any other brothers out there to share their experience? I am not asking anyone to support or disagree with my decisions but just wanted to know there are also someone out there going through the same experience. Thanks

[grouchycabi]

Well, I just couldn't resist writing a reply even if TS may not be reading this any longer. "Looking for good advice"? hahaha. No no no. You're looking for people to support your delusions. You're not looking for advice or answers, just replies that fit an outcome you already want.

I'm trying not to sound judgemental here, but really, if you have decided what to do, then do it anyway. Don't beat around the bush. The fact that you are not hints that there may be a decent voice of sanity screaming though the fog in your brains.

Right now, your behaviour can be best summed up as irresponsible, selfish, and of more practical implications - unrealistic. You are not looking to have your cake and eat it - you want the whole damn bakery. And to gorge yourself, then vomit and eat more.

You want the thrill and the illicit excitement of having a secret liaison, the exquisite angst of being in love and yet having true love being denied, of romance without consequence, of lust without constraint, of emotional highs without rational consideration, the SHEER high of something new. But you also want the stability of a home, the security of a doormat, the comfort of family, the succour of familarity, the SHEER stability of something you may complain about, but in which you are absolutely sure of and can be truly yourself.

Be honest, neither you nor your lover are being honest (and I don't mean to your respective spouses). To each other or yourself. Are you really showing the real you to her? really? And you think you are seeing the real her? Both of you are indulging in a fantasy world. if you had to live with each other, if a genie would be to grant what is supposedly your deepest wish and whisk you away to be together, I guarantee you 90% of the attraction would vapourise the second the affair becomes an open accepted relationship - the illicit excitement that is feeding both of you would be gone. Then, over time, the grind of reality in daily life would take care of whatever foolish notions of romance you have. Google for info and you will find that over 90% of re-marriages from affair partners end up in further divorces. Wanna guess why?

The "chemistry", the "connection", the emotional closeness you feel is very real to you, that I understand, but it is also illusory. It's based on an environment that cannot be realistically obtained in real life. You can actually have the same chemistry again with your wife, but it takes work, and work is never the preferred option when you can blame somebody else. Go google PEA. That's the chemical that's screwing with you right now. It'll go away soon. IF you can go cold turkey.

I can add more if you really want to see through your options. But if you're just looking for validation for what your heart and dick wants to do, don't waste time, your own and others'. I'll say this much - in the throes of your most passionate, shiok encounters possible together (as someone put it - in a couple spa for instance), at the height of your "chemistry", if you were taken aside and faced your child alone, and made to hear the hurt and bewilderment of not even anything abusive but a simple "Why, Pa? What are you doing?" That tongue in your mouth is gonna feel like sawdust.

Good luck.

Very well said. Solid England!

[kgbkgb]

Thanks for all your feedback....just wondering in this small island of Singapore, is there really someone out there who is fulfilling his duties as a father yet having a true extra marital relationship with another married person whom he or she can confide in?

The simple answer to yr question is YES, Yes and YES. Plentiful. But, how does it matter if anyone else is in the same boat?? More imptly, what do u want to do with yr life? How do u want to move on from here? It's abt choices and of cos consequences. U are too afraid to leave a bad r/s yet too afraid to carry on with a new r/s. Man, u hv to make a stand..