gal needs advice

[rummyraisin]

never really properly introduced myself to the forum, i'm a a fresh grad from local uni.. now still looking 4 jobs so quite free. anyway, just wanted to post some of my bg and hear the opinions from guys' point of view.

i'm the sort of girl that's pretty average looking, and except for my relatively tall height, I'm not like a stunner. and coming from an all-girls sch/arts background means that i've only so few guy friends, whom i'm more of a buddy buddy to.. when i see gfs around me get attached i do feel a bit left out, but i wasn't particularly concerned cos i felt like r/s at our age aren't gonna work out anyway and seemed more of a hassle than anything. so i had thought short termed flings are the way to go..

i continued that mindset all the way into uni, my freshmen year and i remember telling a group of hall guys during drinking sessions about my strange views.. there were quite baffled by my standpoint i guess and must have thought I'm one of "ang mo pai" girls who have radical opinions as opposed to SYTs that can be xianed.. however there was this yr 2 senior in our bunch who's the quiet sort. he's the type that would observe and emanate the cool aura type, not the rah rah enthu boys in hall. so i was quite intrigued by him. i guess he too by me, cos he got my msn eventually and we started talking, and flirting online etc. and in two months we kinda got together thru silent mutual understanding (and another thing i dislike upon looking back was how he never did offically ask me to be his gf.. even after a few months together and i hinted and tried to make him say it). shocking right, but yea it happened.

so initially i thought it would test out my theory and not take this seriously and treat it as a fling thing to see how long it'll last, but gradually i realized that he actually really do cared for me.. i pretended not to be happy when he'll call me every day to ask what I'm doing etc.. and looking back maybe i should have reciprocated and called him more often and spent more time w him. see, thing is, now that i was in a r/s i have wanted to spend more time with my friends because i didn't want to be one of those people who ditch their friends after getting attached. maybe i overdid it. ??? did i?

anyway, to cut a long story short, he started the "Fade Away Breakup". its a breakup style that i condemn because its.. cowardly. (guys, pls don't ever do this to ur gfs). i would even prefer a "It's Not You It's Meet" talk to the Fade Away, where he basically just stopped contact with me completely on phone and msn. Up till now i don't know what's the real reason for the break up; his good friend told me later on he told him i was too nice to him. like, wth is that suppose to mean?? i need to act like a crazy bitch and pick fights with him occasionally? or did he run cos he'd sort of popped my cherry and i'm no longer a challenge? (damn those women magazines with crappy advice!) and because we were never officially bf-gf??

it was the breakup that made me realize i did invest something in the rs too and it was too late. but surprisingly.. after a year or two of awkwardness we've started talking again as friends. Never did dare to ask him about the past though.. and i've gotten over the thing (with the help of booze and boys, of cos). I'm the sort of person that doesn't hold grudges, that's why.. rather prefer to have friends than enemies. but problem is recently we've been meeting up quite often, at least once a week to have beer/supper, and i was wondering if this is unhealthy. like they say in How I Met Your Mother, when 2 exes get together one of them will eventually get hurt. does he genuinely just want to be platonic friends with me, or.. i dunno, because i really can't tell, though he's always the one asking me out cos i don't like to initiate or bug him..

so.. guys, help me out. i have the emotional capacity of a plant. what should i do? what is he thinking?

PS: after this experience i've validated my theory on relationships. they are so not worth it, life is too short..

[tigerprawn]

Sista, first of all, you are asking an Aunt Agony question in a sex forum so do be prepared for a lot of sexual responses to your emotional problem.

From what you wrote, there are 10,001 possibilities on why he is doing what he is doing. Did he just broke up with another girl or got rejected? Is he now on the rebound and using you as a float? or treating you as a resting place until he recovers and starts to "hunt" again? Or maybe he really just want you as a platonic good friend (which is possible but rare especially considering you saying you had flirted with each other before)?

But one thing is for sure. What you are having does not appear to be the explosive kind of hot love as love should be especially for boys and girls your young age. From what you wrote, it appears to be more a getting used to and getting comfortable with kind of relationship than hot combustible romance.

Actually it is irrelevant what he is thinking or doing. The important thing here is what YOU want. Do you really LOVE him and want him as your bf? Unless you left it out, from your writings it does not seem that the both of you had any kind of really romantic love at all but almost settle too quickly into a relationship like old married couple comfort kind of relationship. For companionship out of loneliness and not exactly true love. Which of course I may be wrong in my assumption here as there isnt enough details. Of course love and true feelings can be nurtured out of such kind of relationships too but that is not the kind of honeymoon love young girls like you should be experiencing. So, do you really love him and want him?

IF you do, then the next question to ask yourself is what you want to do about it. And NOT trying to second guess what he is thinking. This is under-rated but actually the next step may be as simple as having an open talk with him to find out how he feels about you and whether he reciprocates your feelings in the way you want him to.

Good luck! :)

[singexpat]

It's all in your mind..
If you treat him as just a platonic friend, then let him knw directly (i guess tht seems to be your style) instead of having that uneasiness in your heart and mind..
If you have tht feelins for him, then mayb give it another try to develop the relationship into something more proper (one tht is healthier than when you first started out with him).
If all else fails, look for other guys.. PLENTY in this FORUM.. :D

[naturegreen]

My only advice will be to repost this in the section under "Matters of the Heart":D
http://www.sammyboyforum.com/matters-heart/

[Minty Mint]

Hey there,

Do you still have the passion for him just like when the 2 of you were together back then.

[ilurbu]

You only do need the emotional capacity of a plant to understand this.

If you are half-decent looking, all men are after ONLY ONE THING.

This is the primal and UNDENIABLE truth among our species.

If you do believe in platonic friendships, you must also believe in Santa Claus or look like Abigail Chay. Even then,.. well you get the idea.

Your next step will decide if you wish to be hurt willingly or wish to impose a self-hypnosis program saying that it's all ok.

Take care.

[patrickzapu]

Hi, the world's at yr feet, why ponder on just a tree when u hv the jungle out there for yr picking........and time's on yr side as well, cheers, it's TGIF...:)

[dgsk]

I think you are going crazy because you are hoping for something to happen.
If I am right, then you need to start talking to him.
Has it only been meet up for drinks and that's it?
You mentioned that after him, you've had boys. Does that mean relationshipships, physical, or just hanging out?
How does he treat you now compared to previously?
All the answers are there, just open your eyes and your heart and you will see them clearly.

[Athenawishes]

hmmm i m a gal too..

had somehow the same situation back in poly...
its jus tat i dun initiate to tok to boys..
usually i m in my gang of gals,,

tis guy den took my msn & hp no. from other ppl & started to tok to me.,
ask me abt hmwrk n stuff.. slowly going to sch wif me.. (even thou i m attached)
we did flirt abit online cus i was shy when seein him in person..
whenever we were alone tog i will jus look on the floor..
dun dare to tok much.. haa..

den... he jus suddenly disappeared.. drop out of sch in yr 2..
& nv to see him or hear frm him in msn/hp again..
ALSO suddenly... my grad yr.. he contacted me again..
haa.. surprising.. but.. ppl does change.. is how u see him..

previously he was a SUPER-flirt.. NV to miss out a gal he came across..
but since he disappeared & re-appeared again on my grad yr..
i realised he change into a more... can i say "faithful" person?
he has more responsible person... caring towards a gal..

others may say he wanna "jio me" so he is using the "wolf under a sheep skin" technique.. thus.. ard the same situation as TS..
so.. pls ask urself.. since u n him has steady before.. do u NOW still hav feelings for him??
if yes.. as a gal.. for ur future.. INITIATE to ASK & clear the air before stupid things happen like "one sided thing"..
if not.. as a gal again.. to avoid him of "fallin deeper into u".. tell him straight in the face u only treat him as a fren.. =) it saves both lives..

hope it helps gal.. take care..
(we r young.. still have more chances b4 settling down..)
(dun give up the whole forest because of a re-grown tree tat u cut down last time)

[shoutcast]

i can also be very quiet and intriguing you know :D

[Criminalz]

i tot girls would know by now whats on a guys mind...

1. sex
2. sex
3. sex
4. sex
5. food
6. sex
7. sex
8. sex
9. sex
10 sex

[Medusa]

when a man starts retreating...he is starting to think and consider...since its the past and u no longer put it to heart...u might just wanna let go...if u still insist on knowing the answer on why he disappear...just ask him straight since u guys started talking again...

but...

somethings are better left unknown :)

[eeemen]

hmmm i m a gal too..
......................................
hope it helps gal.. take care..
(we r young.. still have more chances b4 settling down..)
(dun give up the whole forest because of a re-grown tree tat u cut down last time)

Sis Athenawishes, very well said and a good piece of advise.

I like your last statement too :D



...............

so.. guys, help me out. i have the emotional capacity of a plant. what should i do? what is he thinking?

PS: after this experience i've validated my theory on relationships. they are so not worth it, life is too short..


Sis rummyraisin, you've said it " Life's too short" So,........ get on with it rather than worry and think too much of it.

Good luck and best wishes, cheers............ ;)


.

[rummyraisin]

hi all, thanks everyone for all the advice! suppose i shd have posted this under the "matters of the heart" section but that section seemed to be for rs w FLs or wives etc. nevertheless, u all have been generous w ur opinions, which gives me diff angles to consider, and its nice to have it logically analysed (thanks tigerprawn!)

Athenawishes, nice to hear about ur experience too :o

i tot girls would know by now whats on a guys mind...

1. sex
2. sex
3. sex
4. sex
5. food

sometimes i wish boys are really just THAT easy to read (sex sex sex sex food).

and seems like some do not think platonic r/s exists btw a guy and a girl. i also thought not, but that dude's behavior confuses me cos he treats me just like a friend now. bahhhh.

Has it only been meet up for drinks and that's it?
You mentioned that after him, you've had boys. Does that mean relationships, physical, or just hanging out?
How does he treat you now compared to previously?

ya just drinks.. chitchat.. as for other boys, they are all physical fun :) eh.. treats me about the same, though more on the friend level now.

the forest thing is very true though :cool: TGIF!

[Cheonging101]

Okay, I don't know how much this is gonna help, sis TS, and it hurts me a little to dig up my own past that I'd rather stay buried.

I was in the same exact position your guy friend was and my ex was exactly how you behaved, seemingly too cool for me and her own good. We never did exactly told each other how much we cared for each other and state just what our status to each other are. Why? I guess it's that kinda image that we wanna project. Y'know, close enough to fuck but too distant to fart.

But as time goes by, I began showing more concern since, hey, that's what a guy gotta do, right? Protect girls, chivalry and all that? My gf would still talk to me and stuff but only when I call her. She felt so far away that I thought SHE was the one who initiated the break-up.

It was only a few months later that we accidentally bumped into each-other, very awkwardly I might add, in the study room of our neighbourhood CC that we began talking again. I tried to avoid talking about the past with her because I was attached again and also I did not want to interrogate her as I did not blame her.

What surprised me was that SHE asked me why did I not call her and gave her the silent break-up. I was like HUH?! What the hell?

Anyway, morale of the story which I am doing it every so often to my GF: If you love someone, don't just show it... Make it known. Everyday.

[Athenawishes]

keke TS jia you~~

gals ROX!!

[huat_ah_888]

Just talk to him. Ask him what you want to know. Communication is crucial in a relationship.

[ferrari355]

gal, appreciate the details that you gave, but for all that you've written, there is only one thing that you can do to know without a doubt, what is in his mind and what his intentions are.

the key to anything, absolutely anything between a guy and a girl, is communication. Open, honest, and unreserved communication. Talk to him. Ask him the questions you have in your mind. Tell him you wanna be totally honest and open, and would appreciate if he be like that too. Then based on his answers, you can make your own decision on where and how to proceed with him. Whether to develop a real BGR, a truly platonic friendship with him, or maybe even a friends with benefits friendship with him.

It is precisely because people don't have truly open, honest and unreserved communication that we have all these second guesses and questions going around. Communicating in such a way doesn't have to hurt if what one wants to say is not exactly going to be good. The right tone, right situation, right choice of words, and subsequent action can temper any hurt that may arise due to the negative things that one might want to say.

[KingEros]

... but that dude's behavior confuses me cos he treats me just like a friend now. bahhhh.
It's a long time since this old man here got emotionally entangled ... & that is achieved through a long-time personal practice to always leave the "heart" at home when out playing.

If I read you right, you started off with a stance that you wanted a relationship without the emotional entanglements ... even after you've slept regularly with this guy (despite no official "announcement" to the people around you that he & you are an item), you were still all-cool about the relationship.
IMHO, if you had found his behaviour (then & even now) confusing, then I must say he was possibly even more confused by you. :D :D

The fact that you guys still meet up these days ... is possible testimony that this guy still harbour hopes of one day getting the official "announcement" of the status between you two.
During these occasions of "beer & supper", did you guys indulge in carnal connections again? The answer to this question should shed more light on the basis for his so-called confusing behaviour.


and seems like some do not think platonic r/s exists btw a guy and a girl. i also thought not ...
According to my own wiki entry, platonic used to mean a relationship that is totally asexual ... these days, it doesn't take a full-fledged player to be able to isolate between love & sex.
Think about it ... :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[HayHot]

Don't just AssUMe, cause by doing that, you are just making an Ass Out of U and Me.

If there's doubt in the relationship, clarify it. Never let your relationship be based on guesswork. It's both tiring and can lead to disastrous ending.

Same as hearsay. Never let hearsay dictate what happens to your relationship. If you heard something abt that special someone from a third party, clarify it with the special someone personally. Don't listen blindly. Had seen too much relationship broken by hearsay and gossip mongers.

Like what another Cheonging101 said, false reading of each other sometimes lead to you assuming that person is fading away, while you took reciprocal action and fade away as well. In end, both thought it's the other party that want to break off when in fact it's not the case. But on the other hand, it may be that you are not fated to be together that's why it happens. :)

Catching up again is good. If you are able to rebuild the friendship and the relationship again, it may shows that you are able to withstand the test of time. And it's no longer those puppy crushes but rather something more serious. But don't put too much hope in that. Just let nature take its cause.

Last but not least, if sex was good with him, you might just keep him as fb/friend with benefits. :p Who knows, maybe that's what on his mind all the while and that's why he's back in the picture. :D

[makka111]

For what it's worth from an experienced adult's (my) perspective:

You said the chap is a sophomore when you met him. THat will put him at about 21years old, presuming he finished JC and NS etc the normal way.

Let me tell you this: a 21 year old guy, although legally an adult already, is still immature when it comes to matters of the heart. That is why he does the farking funny "fadeaway break-up" thing you mentioned becos he (a) doesn't know how to and/or (b) doesn't have the fuking guts or maturity, to do a proper "let's talk this over calmly" breakup.

Get a life, rummyraisin. Like patrickzapu said earlier, don't give up the entire jungle for one lousy tree. Go out and meet more people. You will be surprised that there are many Mr Rights to choose from. :)

[Bangster]

Fuck him.

Give him a dollar.

Get over it.

[newbieboy]

blah blah blah nothing was confirmed blah blah blah fade away blah blah blah sort of popped cherry blah blah blah

1. i don't see how guys have to be the ones who initiate everything
2. there is no breakup if there was no confirmation
3. you think too much and do too little

there can definitely be platonic friendships, i have many friends who are girls, gays etc. and platonic friendships can sometimes be easy escape routes for boys who are shy, as i am. i have done the fadeaway to many girls, none of whom were official gfs. it's really quite graceful, just watch an old jordan video.

end of the day, you might dislike it, but you sat there and took it. didn't act to rectify matters, just sat there and waited. there's a chinese saying for this called 守株待兔.

ironic how you mention you want to treat men as flings (not an attack on your approach to relationships, everyone's entitled to their own beliefs) but clam up at this experiment of yours. if you were really after flings, you'd be a lot more carefree than this. maybe what you're really yearning is a genuinely romantic relationship, because all your actions so far have pointed to that direction. you just want to be wooed, i think.

good luck with your life, hope this wasn't offensive. :)